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So your enjoying a nice cruise, touring the coastline of Alaska. Then the captain (a drunk) turns the cruise ship into a large ice floe and the ship begins to sink.
Your not worried about the 20 degree water because you booked tickets on one of the first cruise ships to implement a new safety mandate.
That
mandate being that all ships be equipped with large containers of lard, enough to completely cover all passengers.
Upon the call for abandon ship, as an added safety measure(if one cant get aboard a life boat) all the passengers jump into a large vat of lard.
That way, if you do happen to enter the water, a thick layer of fat will act as insulator (for a while)
PANIC - mince pie crisis. buy now...
http://www.guardian...763,1351990,00.html
[po, Nov 28 2005]
British Lard
http://www.britishlard.co.uk/
Here's the place for all your Lard-based requirements. [Minimal, Nov 28 2005]
Larded Arctic Rescue Dog
http://www.puppythr...ge_blog/fat_dog.jpg
Here's one we prepared earlier... [ConsulFlaminicus, Mar 12 2008]
Preparing To Abandon Ship?
http://kunarion.com...ry/grease_me_up.wav
[Amos Kito, Mar 12 2008]
Leopard seal feasting on a halfbaker-laden lard cake
http://www.sciencel..._size_landscape.jpg
[normzone, Jun 25 2009]
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Annotation:
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I don't think there are many sharks in Alaskan waters. Orcas would probably be just as bad though. And then, if you do make it shore instead of another boat, there are always bears. |
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[po] re: link; If there's a shortage of lard, purchase manteca. |
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I suggest flavoured lard. I am sure that there must be a flavour that will repel Orcas and Polar bear. (See The British Lard Marketing Board link for more details) |
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Peppermint Lard is a useful alternative to regular Lard, and has the useful side effect of leaving the regular lard-eater with fresh breath confidence throughout the day. The only downside is that it contains less calories.... |
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Vaseline would serve the same purpose, without the attractive taste. Either way you must be naked for it to work, so +. |
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sp. you're, floe, equipped, insulator |
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If we're talking mandates, how about one that the ship's crew doesn't drink on duty? Or that the ship have an abundance of arctic life boats, in case some don't deploy properly? |
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they could all sing togther as the ship went down "Lard of
hope and glory" + |
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In lieu of the more apropos thwarted pineapple, this gets an absurdity bun from me. [+] |
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I was thinking of petroleum jelly, but isnt that stuff flamable? |
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<is hauled aboard rescue ship>
<thanks lucky stars that ship was
equipped with survival
lard>
<gratefully accepts cigarette
from rescue ship crew member>
<woompf> |
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Actually, this is not as far fetched as might at first be considered. If I had been on the Titanic, with the knowledge I now have...and many had in that day and age, I would have taken my wife and children to the kitchen (providing we could not get into life boats), snatched table cloths as I went through the dining room...I would have demanded access to the cooking lard and would have immediately began slathering them with as much lard as I coudl smear on them. then, wrapping them in the table cloths,more lard and another table cloth...leaving them just enough room to walk and use their hands...then tied a nice secure knot to keep all applications in place, wrapping myself up in a similar manner, paying particular attention to the trunk, upper legs and upper arms and head...off into the icy murk we would go...to float around chilled...but not frozen to death before rescue. We would have bobbed like corks,easily visible in our white cocoons, hopefully staying together as we awaited rescue. |
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I don't know how long we might have lasted...but it sure as heck would have been better than just jumping in ... |
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Cold lard would not provide good coverage. You would just stand around on top of the cold hard lard.. Margarine with a low melting temperature would be more approrpiate. |
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Survival spray-on expanding polyurethane
foam sounds less exciting, but... |
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//[po] re: link; If there's a shortage of lard, purchase manteca.// |
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I thought manteca was lard. |
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"Jeeves, there's no room for you in the lifeboat, will you be alright?" |
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Special fantasy survial award goes to Marklar. Excellet pun and a very warvy method of exampling how the embarrassingly wealthy may treat the help...indeed! |
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Great idea but I believe goose fat is preferable to lard. Long-distance swimmers use goose fat. It's probably more expensive so could be reserved for first class passengers. |
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I have begun composing a dirge entitled "standing on top of the cold hard lard." It has a sort of spiritual feel to it. |
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//Then the captain (a drunk) turns the cruise ship into a large ice floe //
He's a drunk *and* an illusionist? |
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For best results, the lard coating ould need to be continuous over the skin surface. That would mean removing clothing .... so, the evacuation procedure would be : "When the alarm sounds, remove all your clothing, don your disposable anti-lard hat, and walk briskly through the escape tunnel, where you will be copiously sprayed with warm lard. Please wait in the cooling area for the lard to fully solidify before boarding your liferaft or lifeboat". |
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<Contemplates image of dozens of cold, anxious, naked halfbakers, thickly coated in lard, bobbing in the icy water like a clutch of Hattifatteners, awaiting rescue> |
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Then again, some might actually enjoy stripping naked and being sprayed with warm lard....... |
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Does lard float? Maybe a sufficiently thick coating could double as a flotation aid for those that aren't strong swimmers. |
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Wouldn't it be better just to pack all the passengers into cubes of lard before the ship sets out? Just leave their heads sticking out of the top so that they can watch the TV during the journey and insert some medical tubing for essential biological functions and then, if or when the ship goes down, they can all just be dumped over the side en masse, perhaps via a slip way of some kind, without the need for any of this panicky running around for the lifeboats malarkey. |
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With an off-centre passenger the cubes might be a bit top-heavy and have a tendency to flip over, drowning the unfortunate occupant. |
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Clearly some suitable counterweight is needed at the bottom. Perhaps the passenger's luggage? |
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If the upper portion of the cube, where the passenger's head proturudes, is cast not of solid lard but of lard foam (with a high proportion of air bubbles) then the assembly would be self-righting, but still durable. |
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Hexagonal castings would give superior packing fractions. |
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/Wouldn't it be better just to pack all the passengers into cubes of lard before the ship sets out? / |
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One could make the case that the obesity epidemic is doing exactly that. More spheres or dumbells than cubes, though. |
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If the ship carried a large tank of warm lard, if it started to sink, the lard could be released and would immediately solidify into a large artificial (but environmentally-friendly) iceberg. |
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Some self-inflating tents, and boxes of lengths of pre-waxed rope wicks (poke them into the lard and light them with distress flares) and the survivors would be warm and sheltered until help arrives. |
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After rescue, the lardberg could be towed to a dry dock, melted down, and reclaimed for future use. |
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That's an idea in itself. Go on and post, c'mon. |
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[normzone], If you like the idea, please feel free to post it yourself, with our blessing. |
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I like it!
The survivors have an easy way to cook those who didn't make it |
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But it'd be a devil for the people in the chopper trying to hold onto people to get them out of the water.. |
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