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"The Ji-HA-HA-dists"
  (+4, -5)
(+4, -5)
  [vote for,

The United States should play a more pro-active role in recruiting and training suicide bombers.

A major effort could be made to create websites and other recruiting methods by USA covert organizations (like the CIA) to recruit more fanatically religious people who wish to martyr themselves ... the so called mujahideen.

This would be in direct competition with current, real mujahideen recruiters. Assuming that there is only a finite number of people who wish to kill themselves in this way, the plan outlined here would, by cutting into this group, reduce the number of people who actually succeed in killing themselves along with their target(s).

Stage One: Set up independent recruiting websites. Freely use the name "al-Qaida" as in "al-Qaida Martyrs' Brigade Enlistment". (So what? Are they going to sue us for trademark infringement?) Arrange that the major search engines quickly bring inquires to this CIA monitored website. It can be done with meta-tags and other well known techniques. Hi-jack real recruiting webpages to redirect inquires to this site. Within a few mouse clicks, a potential suicide bomber could be entering personal information like name, address and phone number into a secure server in the CIA basement in Langley, Virginia. This could be useful even if it goes no further. It would take a lot of effort to continuously monitor and "do-the-dirty" on real recruiting pages, but so what? A hundred or so CIA hackers on continuous duty would be more than enough and cheap by comparison to cost of the 100,000 plus troops in Iraq now.

Stage Two: Potential mujahideen who are accepted for training could be met secretly at an airport in Syria, Jordan, Cairo or wherever by suitably disguised CIA operatives. Then, blindfolded, they would be taken to a "secret desert training base". This base could be in Kuwait, a US controlled area in Iraq ... or Nevada, for that matter. One desert looks pretty much like another.

The training base would be staffed with Arabic speaking CIA agents. (Helped and maintained by "graduates"; it could be self-sustaining facility.) The training itself would be physically and mentally demanding. Extremely physically and mentally demanding. It should make Marine Corps boot camp look like a kindergarten. The main purpose here would be to get the potential mujahideen to voluntarily quit. None-the-less it should be made as near to the real thing as possible. Liberal use of captured training material, like real videos and video lectures should be used. This would be accepted by the trainee as he knows Osama Ben Laden rarely makes personal appearances.

Quitters should be photographed; finger printed and told, "You aren't good enough to be in this man's jihad! Go home and don't re-apply! We know who you are and we'll tell everyone. If you attempt to re-apply in any way, you'll be killed." (We must be firm with quitters.) They would be transported, blindfolded again, to an airport and put on an airplane home with their fare paid. Each time this is done another potential suicide bomber returns home in shame and is eliminated from the pool of recruits for real jihad recruiters.

In spite of all this, a certain number will stick it out and graduate. These determined individuals should be encouraged to divert from their intended suicidal path. They could be told, "You're way to good to be expended as a bomber. We want you to stay here as staff and help train in-coming recruits." Or they could be told, "You're way too valuable and dedicated to be a bomber. We want you to go back to your home town and recruit for us." Either way, another suicide bomber is eliminated.

Extremely dedicated individuals who, in spite of every inducement, refuse to be diverted from their self-destructive intensions will enter Stage Three.

Stage Three: The mujahideen would make the customary "Last Will and Testament" video. The muja would assist in making his own explosive vest: the pouring of the plastic explosive, the embedding of the ball bearings, bolts and nails in the explosive, the insertion of the formed explosive in pockets in the vest, the wiring of the detonators ....

The muja would be transported to a crowded street or market, told to put on his vest, walk into the crowd and press the detonator. But, you see, at the last minute the real explosives in the vest will have been replaced with duds. All except the one just to the left of the zipper and that one with a reduced charge ... pointed inward.

Presumably, when the suicide bomber enters "Paradise" he will be met by 72 virgins who will all laugh and point, "Ha Ha," they laugh, "You stupid jerk! You killed yourself for nothing! What a mench! Ha Ha!"

Hence the term "Ji-Ha-Ha-dists."

Your thoughts?

KaptainKen, May 07 2008


       You don't really get this site, do you?
DrCurry, May 07 2008

       By selling this idea with a denouement that takes place in the afterlife, you are making the same error as the terrorists. Why does *your* concept of right & wrong exercise creative control in the hereafter?
lurch, May 07 2008

       What is it, good doctor, that you find offensive about this idea? It is an idea, it is original, it is entertaining, and while it relies on certain stereotypes, it is well-written and even solves a problem! The name and afterlife thing, however, detract from the idea and should be removed.
Voice, May 07 2008

       Haha.. good one! +   

       Although there may be flaws, such as:   

       does the CIA really want to put a stop to terrorism?   

       the most hardcore terrorists probably don't recruit via the internet (those are the half-baked ones lol)
afinehowdoyoudo, May 07 2008

       Well, at least it has paragraph breaks.   

       Reminds me of a word play I thought of twenty years ago - laughterrorists.
normzone, May 07 2008

       My thoughts?   

       Rubbish. Al-Qiada (not sure about the spelling of that) isn't an organised army in the way you seem to think it is. That's one of the reasons why they call them "terrorists". The reason they use suicide bombers is because the footsoldiers aren't well-trained and well-organised - they use whatever they have to hand to cause as much destruction and damage as possible.   

       Secondly - who isn't qualified enough to be a suicide bomber? Again, that's kind of the point. "Dammit! I've just been rejected from the Al-Qaida suicide bomber training programme! Might as well go and blow myself up in a crowded place or something..."
lostdog, May 07 2008

       So they blow away their dicks and nothing else? They die and cannot f the virgins?   

       It's not 72 virgins it's grapes, if you must know.   

       I agree, it is well written. Well written stupidity.
zeno, May 07 2008


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