h a l f b a k e r y
Bunned. James Bunned.
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Those few of you who have been paying close attention might have noticed that the UK has appointed* a female Conservative as Prime Minister (technically, 'First Lord of the Treasury').
The last time this happened was in your Earth year 1979. And there was much rejoicing...
For years after that,
The Divine Margaret ("She Shall Rise Again !" <clenched-fist salute>) brought a breath of fresh air to your planet's political scene, partly by the tactical deployment of the notorious Thatcher Handbag.
A number of leaders, notably one Comrade Gorbachev and a number of EU heads of state got the Handbag treatment, with immediate and salutary effects, invariably to the benefit of the UK's interests, the UK Government, and even (on very rare occasions) the actual benefit of UK citizens.
The new incumbent, Ms May, is still in the process of "setting out her stall", but appointments so far reveal a deliciously aggressive and contentious line-up to handle shouting at all those bloody foreigners.
It would therefore seem appropriate that whenever Ms May goes abroad in search of dragons to slay (of which there are many), she should be accompanied by a pair of Yeomen Warders of the Tower carrying a litter, on which reposes The Holy Handbag of Grantham. It doesn't have to be a fancy one; Carol is bound to have some of her Mum's old stuff in the back of a wardrobe somewhere. It's not the thing itself that matters, it's the symbolism and the ceremony.
So, should any foolish, misbegotten representatives of Johnny Foreigner show fight, the Holy Handbag would be brought forth just to remind them of what they're up against, backed by a cloth-of-gold embroidery reading "Come on then chummy, if you think you're hard enough, go on, have a go, we will kick your heads in" and followed by a file of choristers chanting "You're going home in the back of an ambulance".
The Handbag would be guarded on public occasions by the Holy St. Boris of No Tact, carrying a big stick and a megaphone, to illustrate the supercession of the advice "Speak softly and carry a big stick" by "Shout loudly and carry a big stick, so that you can hit them on the side of their knees from behind and then shout at them while you've got them on the floor sobbing and bleeding profusely, and are kicking them."
*The First Lord of the Treasury is appointed by the Sovereign, who then requests them to from a government for her.
The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch
Comes with instructions (Book of Armaments, Chapter 2, verses 9-21) [8th of 7, Jul 14 2016]
The Thatcher Handbag
Not yet verifiably beyond use. [8th of 7, Jul 14 2016]
Surprise, surprise... [8th of 7, Jul 14 2016]
Baroness Thatcher, of Kesteven
Kind to children and animals (allegedly) [8th of 7, Jul 14 2016]
The Bronze Lady of Grantham
.... as opposed to the Iron Lady. [8th of 7, Jul 14 2016]
...and pro pain accessories. [2 fries shy of a happy meal, Jul 15 2016]
||The "Grantham" reference escapes me, a mere American.
Why should I be impressed?
||More deserving of pity than condemnation. Cheer up, at least you're not french...
||//The last time this happened was in your Earth year 1979.
And there was much rejoicing...
||What, you don't remember the rejoicing ?
||Grantham is a reference to webchat masturbator Leslie Grantham, famous in these shires for playing "lanky pock-faced meddler" Dirty Den in a soap opera that was popular around the time Maggie Thatch was ravaging heavy industry.
||Few people - in fact only those at the highest level -
know that Mrs. Thatcher was, in fact, killed in the
IRA bombing of the Brighton hotel. In the years after
that, she was actually portayed by an animatronic
lookalike built by a secret consortium of Sinclair
Computers, Lego and Dyson. The Dyson part of the
project went on to become the famous vacuum
||A subsequent project to replace Tony Blair with an animatronic replica after the real one died in a tragic yet hilarious accident with an electric toothbrush didn't go quite so well, after Dyson couldn't participate and their part of the job had to be handed off to a joint venture between Monsanto and Black & Decker, who - to save time - re-used quite a lot of existing design work arising from trying to produce a genetically-modified Komodo dragon that could strip paint. True, they did contribute a hideous reptilian creature that emitted huge amounts of hot air and a poisonous bite, and if Lego hadn't interfered and insisted on uprating the computational system (a modified ZX-80) then no-one would have noticed the swap.
||"Industry based on huge lumps of ferrous metals and rocks, sufficiently durable that they are reasonably resistant to damage by a drunken belligerent* scotch person**".
||*Intoxicated caledonians typically exhibit a form of tripolar disorder, in which they veer between incomprehensible aggression, maudlin self-pity, and sentimental affection, often in the course of attempting to speak a single sentence.
||** Gender differentiation is somewhat inexact, as both males and females wear skirts, display alarming amounts of facial hair, and consider six cans of Carlsberg Special Brew an ideal "Continental Breakfast".