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The true story of the Battle of Singapore

  [vote for,

Recently found in the archives, it seems the hostilities started on the 6th of February 1942, and not the 8th as the history books show.

The initial problem was Yamashita* didn't want to bother the British commander, as he might be busy, and it took his orderly the whole of first day to convince him it was probably ok to go tell him.

Job done, but then one more delay, neither side wanted to be so impolite as to shoot first, "osake ni dozo", "no, no, no, after you old chap" and so a a whole day was taken up with playing rock-scissors-paper until the Japanese team lost, so they had to start shooting first.

A disastrous start for the Japanese, until Yamashita gave orders that it was ok not to stand up, bow and say "hajimamashte" before shooting.

The battle commenced, with Japanese troops saying "Gomen nasai, I am sorry my rifle is so noisy" and the British saying "that`s perfectly alright, I hope my body did not damage your bullet when it went through me".

The Emperor had to intervene at one point to instruct his troops to stop helping the British carry ammunition cases about, no matter how heavy they looked.

Realising the likely course of the battle, Percival pre- emptively instructed his troops that during house-to- house fighting, if someone knocks on the door, do not hold it open for them...no matter how much it looks like poor manners.

This is not even mentioning the infiltration that took place behind enemy lines on a moonless night, a crack squad of British commandos replenished the Japanese forces supply of tea as it was obviously running low, but they were too modest to mention in official records.

*One of those little known facts**, Yamashita was a sufferer of "social phobia" (what we now call "hikkomori") and was so intensely shy that he had to do the entire officer training course by correspondence.

The bayonet practice course was done by sending large man-shaped cardboard cut-outs to his house, which would then be returned and his proficiency assessed.

** Because it's not true.

not_morrison_rm, Aug 08 2014


       Clearly the only reason Commonwealth forces were defeated was that the Americans weren't there.   

       If the Americans had been there, they would onnly have needed a couple of Marines to drive the Japs back to Tokyo, but they have an excuse … they were busy, standing on the dock at Pearl Harbour and wondering how to get their Pacific Fleet off the bottom …
8th of 7, Aug 10 2014

       Which we did by the way.   

       9 were a total loss but 11 were raised and put back into service.   

       Unlike the Prince of Wales and the Repulse three days later. (Oh yea, and the entire Imperial Japanese Navy after we got through with it.)
doctorremulac3, Aug 10 2014

       Hibernating. It was February, after all. Don't blame them, they can't help it - it's the Ursine genes that have somehow been incorporated into their heredity.
8th of 7, Aug 10 2014

       //If the Americans had been there, they would onnly have needed a couple of Marines to drive the Japs back to Tokyo//   

       Sp.: Martinis.
MaxwellBuchanan, Aug 10 2014

       Gosh, were the martinis really that bad?
not_morrison_rm, Aug 10 2014

       If you have never ordered a martini in the bar of a hotel in a totally islamic country at 1am, you cannot possibly envisage how bad a martini can actually get. And shouting only makes it worse.
MaxwellBuchanan, Aug 10 2014

       I was thinking of some OSS martini, containing a mix of laxative, regurgitant and a slow acting poison, or even worse - martini.   

       //you cannot possibly envisage how bad a martini can actually get.   

       Having drunk Egyptian brandy, I have a very good idea...oh, that hangover...worse than soju....no, thinking about it, nothing is worse than soju.
not_morrison_rm, Aug 10 2014

       //Get a cheap bottle of grappa.   

       Soju gets you 50% of the drunk feeling, like can't walk straight, slurred speech...but you don't feel at all happy...devil's brew.   

       Far too idle to track down the old C1 soju website (English version), where they helpfully labelled the 2 litre bottle " for the heavy user"
not_morrison_rm, Aug 11 2014

       There are alcoholic beverages on offer in some of the former Yugoslav republics that appear to be concocted from recycled* Warsaw Pact chemical weapons …   

       * the recycling process consisting of merely changing the label on the container.
8th of 7, Aug 11 2014

       You should have gone to Czech instead [8th] (can't speak to Slovakia not having been there (no idea why (I was there a whole year after all & it's not like it's a long trip to just pop over the border, just lazy I guess)) but I'd guess that's good destination too).   

       They do some good brews (the peach brandy isn't bad either (maybe a bit sweet for some pallets mind)).   

       The restaurants tended to cater for my own cholesterol & fat laden dietary leanings too (though I'd caution that they don't seem to do curry?) & their car ash trays were very 'spacious' to say the least.   

       Personally I was in heaven (given my preferred lifestyle choices I of course don't expect to live past twenty, though dying before will now be a feat of special scientific note ;).
Skewed, Aug 11 2014

       Like the new emerging alternative history/ historical fiction theme. [Bungston] made one about the civil war recently. Saturating with that theme should make historically incorrect statements in political discussions virtually undetectable.
rcarty, Aug 11 2014

       No, seriously! How does this idea work?
pashute, Aug 11 2014

       // [Bungston] made one about the civil war recently.   

       Ahh, but this is a much more civil war..   

       spent ages scrolling down Bungston`s page looking for it... got to "Nitrogen breasts" and decided to scroll no further   

       //No, seriously! How does this idea work   

       Ah well, they say "the victors write the history books", not being a Victor, I just wanted to test axiom.
not_morrison_rm, Aug 11 2014


       Your use of brackets has revealed a previously undiscovered way of generating vertigo in this human.
bs0u0155, Aug 11 2014


Skewed, Aug 11 2014

       Well... as they are after the way of not doing it... it's a bit hard to tell really (which on re-consideration of your query leads me to believe the correct answer may be 'no'?).
Skewed, Aug 11 2014

       Ah, Indian food. Britain's greatest gift to the world.   

       //Get a cheap bottle of grappa//   

       On second thoughts, it might be gin.
bs0u0155, Aug 11 2014

       // leaves are a relatively minor part of the recipe//   

       That's pretty much all you need to beat salad.
bs0u0155, Aug 11 2014

       Salad = rabbit food.   

       There is of course the BACON, lettuce and tomato sandwich, more truthfully known as the bacon sandwich …
8th of 7, Aug 11 2014

       During the time I was there I never encountered a curry of any description [bs], there was a lot of pork with dumplings & gravy, with half a duck on the side.   

       They didn't seem to do cider either, eventually resorted to combining 'alcoholic' & 'apple juice'.   

       All I got was blank looks so I asked my English speaking Czech associates, who told me there was no such thing.   

       To be honest I thought they were yanking my chain (they appear to ferment everything else so it seemed unlikely they'd overlook apples) but I never did come across any while I was there (not in Prague anyhoo).
Skewed, Aug 11 2014


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