Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Touchscreen Cleaner Booth

You know you want it ...
  [vote for,

Very soon, you'll be seeing the new BorgCo touchscreen cleaner booths in hotels, shopping malls, rail stations and airports.

Resembling an ATM, the principle is simple. Select the service you require, and make payment via cash, credit card, or text message. There are different prices - like a car wash - for anything from a basic screen clean to a full polish and orofice cleaning. Place your device in the drawer, close it, and wait.

After a short interval of whirring, buzzing, clicks and beeps, your now- pristine phone or tablet is returned to you.

Inside, the unit is simplicity itself; a pump-sprayer of cleaning solution, an array of wipes, cloths and pads, a selection of cotton buds and toothpicks, an MP3 player with a recording of whirring, buzzing, clicks and beeps, and a small, frail, elderly person who's desperate for money.

Field testing has shown that small, frail, elderly people are the ideal operators for the unit, as they are easily cowed into climbing into the box, where it's nice and warm, and they can practice for being in a coffin. Elders with colostomy bags are preferred as they don't have to be provided with a bucket, and there are no unpleasant odours emanating from the ventilation slots.

The more mentally agile ones will be trained to do a quick scan of the phone to see if there's anything worth downloading; if so, they can illuminate a CALL ATTENDANT annunciator. By the time the customer has walked to the newspaper stand and returned with the attendant, the download will be complete and their phone will be back in the drawer.

8th of 7, Mar 02 2015


       There's a coincidence! MaxCo. has just launched its first tranche of Elderly People Cleaning booths.
MaxwellBuchanan, Mar 02 2015

       "I told that young man I did not want to get into his coffin cleaning machine. He was so surprised when I pulled out my pistol. I was so surprised when it went off. I think he was trying to say something, then he was dead. The damn cleaning up around this place never ends."
popbottle, Mar 02 2015

       Not all older people may be suitable for this work. I sent my father a spare iPad we had and set it up. He refers to it as: "that flat, black computer thing that doesn't even come with any instructions." If I asked him to clean it I suspect it'd go in the sink with the morning dishes.
AusCan531, Mar 03 2015

       You had me at the concept but the mp3 player and the frail old man really showcase your genius here.   

Voice, Mar 04 2015

       [+] Yes, yes, I want it. I don't own a touchscreen or anything, but that's not the point.
FlyingToaster, Mar 04 2015

       Doubleplusgood [+]
21 Quest, Mar 04 2015

xenzag, Mar 04 2015

       // frail old man //   

       Please ... we are definitely an equal opportunities oppressor. Frail elderly women are entirely welcome to our employment programme ...
8th of 7, Mar 04 2015


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