Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Tuned suitcases

  [vote for,

While we're on the ever-popular subject of musical luggage <link>, I'd like to ask just why, exactly, there is no "Product: Luggage: Musical" category.

Consider, for a moment, the humble wheeled suitcase. On rough terrain, it is typically dragged along on only two wheels, and produces an unmusical clatterattle whose exact nature depends largely on the substrate over which it is being dragged. Nothing can be done about this, short of using magnetic levitation which (as you'll know if you read Arthur Thrend's obituary last week) is a bad idea for many reasons.

Indoors, on smooth surfaces, the wheeled case may be driven on either two or four wheels, but it remains mute. This, fortunately, _can_ be fixed.

Following a multi-million-pound research program (much of which took place at Daniel K. Inouye International Airport in Hawaii, for reasons that have not been satisfactorily explained), MaxCo. is proud to announce the launch of its range of tuned suitcases, to be marketed under the "Tuned Suitcases" brand.

The wheels of Tuned Suitcases are each embossed with a short musical phrase, which is repeated every half-second or so as the owner progresses across a smooth surface. Best of all, each of the four wheels carries a different sequence of notes, carefully chosen to be harmonically pleasing in almost any combination.

Slight variations in floor contour, or turning to one side or the other, subtly shift the relative phasing of the wheels, producing a slowly varying two- or four-part melody. A skilled luggage-owner will, over time, learn precisely how much to swerve to left or right, to achieve a particular phase and produce their favourite melody. Most satisfactorily, the melody will vary between a "I've got plenty of time to browse Duty Free" legato, to a high-pitched "Shit shit shit the gate's closing shit shit shit" allegro.

To commemorate the 126th anniversary of the birth of Roy Chadwick, MaxCo. is also producing a limited-edition Lancaster Bomber Tuned Suitcase. For this model, all four wheels are profiled to replicate the noise of a Rolls Royce Merlin engine. Each wheel differs in diameter by approximately 0.3mm, ensuring that the authentic worrrrrrra worrrrrrrra worrrrrrrrrr of engines drifting in and out sync is produced.

Order your Tuned Suitcases today! As an introductory offer, the first 200 purchasers will have the opportunity to buy a second case at the same price.

MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 13 2019

Suggested by, and the perfect accompaniment to: automatic_20trombone_20suitcase_20handle
[MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 13 2019]

Shameless elf promotion Bagtones
[21 Quest, Jan 13 2019]

Musical Highway https://www.smithso...-highway-180958449/
Similar idea, but on the road instead of the wheels [discontinuuity, Jan 13 2019]

Aquaroll https://www.aquaroll.com/
Very practical. [8th of 7, Jan 15 2019]

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       If the wheels were huge, there would be more scope for this.
pocmloc, Jan 13 2019

       The case has wheels, if you were to put a conveyor belt-like system between the wheels and the floor, the imperfections on the belt/floor interface should make sound.   

       Simply swap out the belt cartridge inside the case to get another tunes. Wagner's entire Ring Cycle belt may be quite heavy.
not_morrison_rm, Jan 13 2019

       Airport rumble strips to add more permutations?
xenzag, Jan 13 2019

       With some clockwork you could introduce a music box configuration.
RayfordSteele, Jan 13 2019

       Form the case into a wheel, with the handle protruding from the axle. You'll reduce rolling friction and have plenty of space for music.
Voice, Jan 15 2019

       There's a water transportation drum that uses exactly that design. <link>   

       It would be possible to install a barrel organ, a small pipe-organ, or a tiny pianola in such a device. Thus the passenger could play a selection of live music as they walked. A constant-speed governor would be needed to maintain the tempo independent of the rate of progression.   

       Truly, this would bring a new horror to the existing miseries of travel.   

       [+] Croissant for mentioning Roy Chadwick, the Avro Lancaster, and the Rolls-Royce Merlin. Technically, three croissants, as a sutably respectful mention of any of those is immediately bunnable.
8th of 7, Jan 15 2019

       //A constant-speed governor would be needed to maintain the tempo independent of the rate of progression.//   

       No no no. Not at all in any way. It is far more satisfying if the leisurely "Stranger on the Shore" is transformed into "Yakkety Sax" during that final dash to the gate.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 15 2019

       In that case, a cluch could be incorporated to engage the "Benny Hill" chase music once a critical speed was attained.
8th of 7, Jan 15 2019

       Yes, that would be mutch better.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 15 2019

       ^ mutch - late Middle English (denoting a nightcap)   

       Erm, the Aquaroll (as is) doesn't make music, help flatten a lawn (it has flanges) and seems to not have the rough outer coating needed for a log-rolling shenanigans. Apart from that, it's quite practical.
not_morrison_rm, Jan 16 2019


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