h a l f b a k e r y
Clearly this is a metaphor for something.
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While we're on the ever-popular subject of musical luggage
<link>, I'd like to ask just why, exactly, there is no "Product:
Luggage: Musical" category.
Consider, for a moment, the humble wheeled suitcase. On
rough terrain, it is typically dragged along on only two
and produces an
unmusical clatterattle whose exact nature
depends largely on the substrate over which it is being
dragged. Nothing can be done about this, short of using
magnetic levitation which (as you'll know if you read Arthur
Thrend's obituary last week) is a bad idea for many reasons.
Indoors, on smooth surfaces, the wheeled case may be
on either two or four wheels, but it remains mute. This,
fortunately, _can_ be fixed.
Following a multi-million-pound research program (much of
which took place at Daniel K. Inouye International Airport in
Hawaii, for reasons that have not been satisfactorily
explained), MaxCo. is proud to announce the launch of its
range of tuned suitcases, to be marketed under the "Tuned
The wheels of Tuned Suitcases are each embossed with a
musical phrase, which is repeated every half-second or so as
the owner progresses across a smooth surface. Best of all,
each of the four wheels carries a different sequence of
carefully chosen to be harmonically pleasing in almost any
Slight variations in floor contour, or turning to one side or
other, subtly shift the relative phasing of the wheels,
producing a slowly varying two- or four-part melody. A
luggage-owner will, over time, learn precisely how much to
swerve to left or right, to achieve a particular phase and
produce their favourite melody. Most satisfactorily, the
melody will vary between a "I've got plenty of time to
browse Duty Free" legato, to a high-pitched "Shit shit shit
the gate's closing shit shit shit" allegro.
To commemorate the 126th anniversary of the birth of Roy
Chadwick, MaxCo. is also producing a limited-edition
Lancaster Bomber Tuned Suitcase. For this model, all four
wheels are profiled to replicate the noise of a Rolls Royce
Merlin engine. Each wheel differs in diameter by
approximately 0.3mm, ensuring that the authentic
worrrrrrra worrrrrrrra worrrrrrrrrr of engines drifting in and
out sync is produced.
Order your Tuned Suitcases today! As an introductory offer,
the first 200 purchasers will have the opportunity to buy a
second case at the same price.
Suggested by, and the perfect accompaniment to:
[MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 13 2019]
Shameless elf promotion
[21 Quest, Jan 13 2019]
Similar idea, but on the road instead of the wheels [discontinuuity, Jan 13 2019]
Very practical. [8th of 7, Jan 15 2019]
||If the wheels were huge, there would be more scope for this.
||The case has wheels, if you were to put a conveyor
belt-like system between the wheels and the floor, the
imperfections on the belt/floor interface should make
||Simply swap out the belt cartridge inside the case to
get another tunes. Wagner's entire Ring Cycle belt may
be quite heavy.
||Airport rumble strips to add more permutations?
||With some clockwork you could introduce a music
||Form the case into a wheel, with the handle protruding from the axle. You'll reduce rolling friction and have plenty of space for music.
||There's a water transportation drum that uses exactly that design. <link>
||It would be possible to install a barrel organ, a small pipe-organ, or a tiny pianola in such a device. Thus the passenger could play a selection of live music as they walked. A constant-speed governor would be needed to maintain the tempo independent of the rate of progression.
||Truly, this would bring a new horror to the existing miseries of travel.
||[+] Croissant for mentioning Roy Chadwick, the Avro Lancaster, and the Rolls-Royce Merlin. Technically, three croissants, as a sutably respectful mention of any of those is immediately bunnable.
||//A constant-speed governor would be needed to maintain
the tempo independent of the rate of progression.//
||No no no. Not at all in any way. It is far more satisfying if
the leisurely "Stranger on the Shore" is transformed into
"Yakkety Sax" during that final dash to the gate.
||In that case, a cluch could be incorporated to engage the "Benny Hill" chase music once a critical speed was attained.
||Yes, that would be mutch better.
||^ mutch - late Middle English (denoting a nightcap)
||Erm, the Aquaroll (as is) doesn't make music, help
flatten a lawn (it has flanges) and seems to not have
the rough outer coating needed for a log-rolling
shenanigans. Apart from that, it's quite practical.