Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Useless Information Police

A special task force designed to deal with uninteresting, unhelpful information.
  [vote for,

Neighbors wandered out into the dark, raining scene, attracted to the flashing lights and sirens. One unremarkable red-headed man seemed brave enough to forward a question to one of the grim-faced officials. In the background, other similarly grim figures dressed in rain ponchos, with visible badges, escorted a handcuffed man into a waiting police vehicle.

"Excuse me, sir, but what's happening?"

The grim figure looked around, suprised. "Oh. Those people were discovered to be distributing unwanted information around the Internet. We're sure to be cracking down on more cases any day now.

"But what's wrong with that?" The man asked.

The large, intimidating figure looked dead-on with the woman. "Let's look at it this way. Think about how much information you are sent every day. Now, think about how much of that you actually use." The man pondered that for a moment.

"Now, consider how much time you spend recieving information that you, otherwise, have no use for." The man looked vaguely suprised.

"How much more time do you think you'd have, if you didn't recieve any information at all that was unrelated to your immediate task at hand?"

That last hit home. The man was nearly reeling. "I'd have so much more time..."

"We know. That's why we've decided to completely halt the spread of useless information. In fact, did you know that more useless information is spead globally per minute than pornography?"

The rest of the officials suddenly looked up, their ears perked, with startled looks on all of their faces. One made a low, rumbling whisper to another, and suddenly, all of them began to slowly advance on the traitor in their midst, weapons drawn.

The official who had made the fatal slip began to run, before discovering that he was surrounded on all sides. He screamed. "No, you don't understand, it was all a big mistake! I didn't mean it! It was just one slip! You can forgive a guy for one mistake, can't you?!"

The man who had originally approached the traitor sighed. He turned towards another officer, and flashed his badge. "I knew sooner or later we'd find the insider. He's been with the U.I.P. for what, ten years? We've all known he was a leak, but we just needed this opportunity to bring him down."

He shrugged. "I don't know about you, but this IA stuff really gets you down. I'd tell you I'm going home to a bottle of scotch and my beautiful wife, but that'd be a violation of rule #1, wouldn't it?"

They both chuckled as the gunshot rang out over the rain.

Evil_Baron_Moustachio, Mar 02 2003


bristolz, Mar 02 2003

       blaise, sounds like you approve of this idea then.
waugsqueke, Mar 02 2003

       Ummmm.... Spam-filters?
pathetic, Mar 02 2003

       Ouch. While I appreciate your kind(?) words, [blaise], I am sad to inform you that it is a moot point. I am currently writing this post on the 1/2B from Cell Block D of the Maximum Security Facility for Lifetime Useless Information Offenders. I have discovered that, to my suprise, 98% of my fellow inmates are .5B'ers themselves.   

       *Shuts off the computer as he hears the warden coming.*
Evil_Baron_Moustachio, Mar 03 2003

       Keep in mind that these are not necessarily my views; this idea was based on an old running gag I had with my friends, one of whom was a font of useless information. This task force was invented to curb his addictive habit.
Evil_Baron_Moustachio, Mar 03 2003

       // addictive habit //   

       Sounds like he's more worthy of pity than condemnation; maybe he should try some sort of 12-step programme, visit the Gerald Ford clinic (Like the Betty Ford clinic, but for bozos), or start going to Trivial Pusuiters Anonymous meetings ....
8th of 7, Mar 03 2003

       Would this improve the halfbakery, or destroy it entirely?
beauxeault, Mar 03 2003

       There's a difference ?
8th of 7, Mar 03 2003

       To the Amish, most information is useless.   

       "In the news today, media giant AOK Wime-Torner filed for bankruptcy in the aftermath of the passage of the Useless Information Act. In a related story, the dollar nose-dived to it's limit-down as 57 government agencies, 12 research labs, and ABCDNews folded as a result of the new legislation.
RayfordSteele, Mar 03 2003


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