Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Wicker Man kit

Exactly what it says on the weaving.
  (+3, -2)
(+3, -2)
  [vote for,

BorgCo are pleased to be able to offer a new range of environmentally- friendly dispoasble incineration systems for a wide range of applications, from the metre-high "Catroaster" model to the gigantic multi-level "European Parliament"* version.

Each Wicker Man kit comes flatpacked in a box, boxes, or succession of shipping containers, complete with full instructions and a complementary "Marinus van der Lubbe" plastic drum of volatile accelerant and a thermite grenade**.

S<Later>imply set up the effigy and insert the offering of your choice into the torso, then douse in flammable liquid and retire to a safe distance before throwing the grenade to initiate the entertainment.


Now also available, the Matryoshka Wicker Man, which has multiple layers; as each one burns away, it reveals a different screaming, helpless victim to the enthralled audience.

Burn times are carefully engineered to ensure that the inner layers don't ignite until the outer one is almost completely burnt away, thus prolonging the suffering. Ducting ensures that the inner victims are supplied with fresh air so that they don't asphyxiate before their turn comes to fry, which would spoil the fun.


* note that due to the fat accumulated from the EU Gravy Train, a substantial earthwork containment bund is advised.

** Prohibited in some jurisdictions; white phosphorous or napalm may be supplied as an alternative.

8th of 7, Aug 14 2013


       Does the wiker man kit come with a rubber-mask face, such as that of Guy Fawkes?
Vernon, Aug 15 2013

       I recommend centralizing the warehouse somewhere near Cairo.
RayfordSteele, Aug 15 2013

       Ahem, a pocket wickerman did get a mention, in your absinthe.
not_morrison_rm, Aug 15 2013

       //Prohibited in some jurisdictions; white phosphorous or napalm may be supplied as an alternative. //   

       Where on earth would willie-pete be available that thermite isn't? I would imagine WP is subject to much more restriction than thermite is.
Custardguts, Aug 15 2013

       science shops ?
FlyingToaster, Aug 15 2013

       U.S. Army surplus white phosporous grenades are available at Tractor Supply for use as crow repellent.
Alterother, Aug 16 2013

       It reminds me of... oh, how do the French say... "N'était-ce pas frais, cette chose que j'ai vu dans ce film? Ce ne serait pas soignée si elle était réelle?"
tatterdemalion, Aug 16 2013

       .// oh, how do the French say.. //   

       "Nous se rend ... voulez vous coucher avec moi ? Ma femme ? Ma soeur ? Ma vache ? Vous etes Allemand ? Merde ! Allors, pour nous la guerre est finis ... Ou est le drapeau blanc ? Bien, ici un cadeau pour vous … un fusil nouvellem ave less cartouches. Bienvenue a Elsass- Lothringen … (Ma foi ! Ou sont les Anglais, les Canadiens, les Americains ? Ou est mes Nikes ? )"
8th of 7, Aug 16 2013

       Terrible grammar, [8th].
pertinax, Nov 07 2020

       Very true, she makes Grampa's life a misery ...
8th of 7, Nov 07 2020

       Two questions:
Does it come in a miniature version with an effigy of yourself?
Does this figure have the facility to be filled with some kind of fatty substance that will boil and drip once the heat reaches it? [+] - pending a positive response
xenzag, Nov 07 2020

       All versions of the product have the capability to hold accelerants of animal, vegetable or mineral origin, to give a satisfactory burn and provide resilience in the event of wind and/or rain attempting to spoil the fun.   

       // an effigy of yourself? //   

       We understand that Borg effigies are commercially available from other suppliers in a variety of sizes and materials, but we do not supply them, nor do we intend to.
8th of 7, Nov 07 2020


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