Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Winged Monkey Sprinkler

Douse evil witches with ease
  (+19, -1)(+19, -1)
(+19, -1)
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Many parts of the world (though not Kansas) are afflicted with the problem of evil witches who can only be killed by water. The traditional method of administering this is via a bucket. However, such a device holds only enough for one application, is hard to aim, and requires the user to get close enough to the witch to launch it.

Therefore, I propose we turn the witch's minions against her. We must capture one or more of her army of winged monkeys and fit them with water sprinkler units similar to those used for cleaning cars or watering gardens, hiding the nozzles in its wings. This way we may be able to use the minion to destroy its master.

The winged monkey would simply fly up to the witch and automatically unleash a spray of fine droplets of water, which on contact with our ruby-slippered, stripey-socked foe would cause immediate vanishment. Since evil hench-creatures are generally characterised by extreme stupidity, they may very well not notice the extra weight, especially if camouflaged under the natty jacket they like to wear.

But how do we ensure the water is released in the correct location, you object. We wouldn't want the water pumping harmlessly over the ocean, or worse causing rust damage to a passing Tin Man. One solution would be to add motion sensors and have the monkey spray when it lands. But this will fail if the beast stops mid-flight to kidnap a small dog or perpetrate other impulse crimes.

What we need is to attach the sprinkler to a commercially available smoke alarm. Witches are always vanishing in puffs of smoke, so it stands to reason their head offices will be permanently shrouded in a thick fug. Furthermore, the very act of applying water to a witch will produce more smoke, creating a positive feedback loop. Optionally, the monkey may unleash a small amount of water randomly or on touch-down to attempt to start such a chain reaction.

How will it work? We bait a winged monkey trap with a dog or rat (or intermediate lifeform). The monkey flies down, and we catch and tranquilize it. We fit the monkey with a water sprinkler hidden in its jacket and wings, and release it. The monkey, then, will fly into Witch Central. It will land by its evil mistress to await its diploma in mayhem, but the motion sensor will administer a cautious spray of water. This will hit the witch, causing a small amount of discombobulation, and creating a puff of smoke. When the monkey's smoke alarm detects the smoke, further moisture will be unleashed, and soon the witch will be reduced to a pointy hat and cloak on the ground.

Furthermore, in the event of a "peace dividend" or witch famine, I believe this technology would have civilian applications in fire-fighting.

pottedstu, Oct 03 2001

The hench-simians http://www.i5ive.co...icle.cfm/9676/66103
How the original winged monkeys were made [pottedstu, Oct 03 2001, last modified Oct 21 2004]

Get your own http://tellink.net/...m/winged_monkey.htm
A bit cute and soulful, where the originals were the scariest things in the world, but still cool. [pottedstu, Oct 03 2001, last modified Oct 21 2004]

Boy Scout riding a Bicycle -- top view http://www.drawandt...les01/boyonbike.gif
Roger Price's fascination with the abstract was most evident in his 'witch' subjects, notably "Ship Arriving too late to save a Drowning Witch" [reensure, Oct 03 2001]

Ship arriving too late... http://globalia.net...Drowning_Witch.html
...to save a drowning witch (which reensure mentions above, but links to something else) Zappa album cover + title song lyrics (plus at no extra cost lyrics to "Valley Girl"!) [pottedstu, Oct 03 2001, last modified Oct 21 2004]

Flying Butt Monkey Award http://www.buckswor...tmonkeywinners.html
Any worthy website joins some distinguished collegues here. [entremanure, Oct 03 2001, last modified Oct 21 2004]

Why water works http://www.straight...g/mwickedwitch.html
Why does water make the Wicked Witch of the West melt? from Straight Dope. [pottedstu, Jan 04 2002, last modified Oct 21 2004]

[link]






       How about a yard gargoyle (for those of us who aren't wanting to habitate with flying monkeys) that can pitch a house on an approaching witch?
reensure, Oct 03 2001
  

       From the title I was picturing decorative versions of either the water sprinklers in office buildings or lawn sprinklers...but this is good, too.
sferrari, Oct 03 2001
  

       Only one, [waugsqueke].
phoenix, Oct 03 2001
  

       erm... ok... you need help... but because I'ts funny I'll just encourage you by giving you a croissant...
RobertKidney, Oct 03 2001
  

       Wouldn't it be simpler to build a hydrogenous oxygen bomb? I understand that a critical mass may be sufficiently small to be set within an elastomeric sphere, commonly known as a 'baloon'. A skilled artist could use a particularly elongated baloon and shape it into a form approximating the proportions of said 'small dog'. Once the winged monkey is duped by this clever decoy, it picks up the baloon-dog and delivers it to the witch. When the witch is near the baloon-dog, a sharp shooter, located at the ramparts of the witches castle, could fire off a shot that causes the elastomer to puncture and rapidly collapse explosively -- thus setting off the chain reaction causing the hydrogenous oxygen to have its lethal effect.
pathetic, Oct 04 2001
  

       A pastry for you, and your little dog too.
angel, Oct 04 2001
  

       Obligatory Civil Liberties for Witches post.
thumbwax, Oct 04 2001
  

       If you read the first link, you'll see the original monkeys had motors hidden on their backs, so a sprinkler mechanism shouldn't be a problem.   

       I want to try hypnotising them to urinate on the witch, I'm just worried that testing this out would be a wee bit messy [look, ma, I did a pun].
pottedstu, Oct 05 2001
  

       I'm just wondering if these would work on Her Barrenness Thatcher...   

       "No, one doesn't think that the Islamic leaders in this country have been nearly apologetic enough yet. Why they haven't got down on their knees yet and- Aaagh. Stop! Aaaagh. Help me! I'm melting. I'm melting!"
Guy Fox, Oct 07 2001
  

       Nicely thought out right down to the smoke detector. I wonder if it would work on Witchy-poo.
macrumpton, May 17 2004
  

       when I fight evil witches, I prefer the protection of a Super Soaker (tm).
Sulfer_Rain, Jan 04 2005
  

       A pastry for yet another uniquely practical gem.
crater, Jan 06 2005
  
      
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