Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Zen Diaphragm

An almost spoonerism (or plain bad pun) of Venn diagram.
  [vote for,

Diaphragms are only 82-94% effective as birth control, which strikes me as particularly low if you're serious about not having children. Therefore I am hypothesising that most diaphragm users, rather than thinking "I don't want children", are actually thinking "I mostly don't want children".

Effectively, they are instigating a 'survival of the fittest/luckiest' sperm situation.

If you're going to create choice, many prospective parents would surely have more complex criteria as to which sperm they would most like to be successful, other than which one swims fastest in the correct direction.

Here's where the Zen Diaphragm comes in handy. Used as a normal diaphragm, but consists of two intersecting circles.

Each circle is marked with qualities which are desirable to the perspiring and gyrating sperm and egg doners in tiny writing. Of course, no sperm will be able to read the desired qualities due to it's unfortunate lack of eyes, but the point is that the signs are there.

If you wanted to produce a well rounded football supporter, circle one might read "I wish to be born to do good work in the world" and circle two "I wish to support Accrington Stanley F.C."

The sprem would follow it's conscience towards the circle which best described it. A sperm destined to become an Accrington Stanley terrace thug would be caught in circle one, where a well rounded Manchester United fan would be caught in the second circle.

Only a sperm which fitted both criteria would head for the intersecting area, where there would be a small hole in the diaphragm allowing passage to fertilisation, grasshopper. For fussy parents, a more complex venn diagram could be designed on the Zen Diaphragm.

“You are not a Sperm," said the intrigued halfbaker, "So you can't truly know that the sperm have conscience to understand your sign."

"You are not me," said the Fishrat. "So how do you know that I do not know that the sperm are conscious?"

** For the record, I'm not a fan of selection per say, but the traditional diaphragm is already selecting on a fittest/luckiest basis, and besides Accrington Stanley do need all the support they can get.

Fishrat, Nov 14 2003

Accrington Stanley http://www.accringtonstanley.co.uk/
Ian Rush says... [Fishrat, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 05 2004]


       This is a bad idea. (+)
Madcat, Nov 14 2003

       Sounds like you've hit on the way to perfect the diaphragm. Simply put two conflicting ideas in each of the two circles, and none of the sperm will be able to take the intersecting path.   

       Might I suggest using "I wish to obey the laws of the known universe" on the right, and "I wish to break the speed of light" on the left? Physicists would be forever grateful, in the highly unlikely event of a pregnancy, to meet this child of yours.
Overpanic, Nov 14 2003

       Better still, "I wish to break the speed of light" and "I wish to play for Accrington Stanley". Football would never be the same.
Fishrat, Nov 14 2003

       This idea has no basis in fact or science. It presumes choice within an organism that technically is not even life (even by church standards) and is so rediculous that I give a croissant for making me laugh.
Klaatu, Nov 14 2003

       Just one language, Spermese for the spermies.
grip, Nov 14 2003

       Ah, the Zen Diaphragm should use the international language of love. Signs should be written in a modified tahoma, with little hearts over every i. This is the only time EVER that I will find it acceptable to put little hearts over every i.
Fishrat, Nov 14 2003

"Accrington Stanley? Who's that?"
phoenix, Nov 14 2003

       Hmm...break the laws of the known universe and exceeding the speed of light may not be mutually exclusive. Now, if you said "break the known laws of the universe" that might be a different story.. (OK, I know it's a little nitpicky, but you have to be precise in situations like this, otherwise both circles would be fully open to passage...)
Freefall, Nov 14 2003

       [pheonix] <in joke continues> Drink yer milk </in>

       [DrC] It's a pun, an invention, and a plea for Accrington Stanley supporters all in one. At least two out of those three are allowed.

       [freefall] Don't even start that discussion on this thread.
Fishrat, Nov 14 2003

       I happen to love puns in titles, but this is a running joke based on magic technology rather than an actual idea. Anyway, I'm not the person you have to argue it out with.
DrCurry, Nov 14 2003

       //a running joke// If you're talking about Accrington Stanley [link], then I think you're being harsh, but fair.
Fishrat, Nov 14 2003

       > "The sperm would follow its conscience..."   

       Sorry, you lost me right there.
Ander, Jul 31 2004

       The thing is, it's not a Zen Diaphragm, it remains a Venn Diaphragm at best.
zen_tom, Jul 31 2004

       I was under the impression that most diaphragm users were actually thinking "I don't want children, and if he has a condom, we can use both to be sure. Otherwise... I still might want sex more than I don't want children."
ye_river_xiv, Mar 12 2008

       Fishrat, Fishrat, Fishrat - where are you? Come here at once and be warmly shaken by the hand. This is an excellent idea and well-written.
MaxwellBuchanan, Mar 12 2008

       Got to be honest, I haven't even read the idea. I'm bunning the title.
jtp, Mar 12 2008

       Hey, if we're the only one's around here, what say we raid the minibar?
MaxwellBuchanan, Mar 12 2008

       I'll keep lookout, you go for the vodka.
jtp, Mar 13 2008

       I hope they have peanuts too.
MaxwellBuchanan, Mar 13 2008

       Dammit. The fridge is empty. I only went away for seven years.
Fishrat, May 04 2015

       82-94% - you may as well, place a maze or shaped door in the diaphragm to physically select the sperm. The trick would be linking the wanted behaviour with the sperms' physical attributes. Of course, this is still only half the problem.
wjt, May 05 2015


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