Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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"Faceless Little Men" Agency

Just between you and me and the gatepost...
  (+6, -1)
(+6, -1)
  [vote for,

When you need something done, without anyone really knowing it's being done or who's behind it.

An agency, comprised of men and women who've gone a bit beyond the law perhaps. Nondescript, obscure, shadowy... they even drive the most popular make of car; wear clothing so bland it's impossible to remember it and never pay with credit cards or shop where cash isn't welcome.

Small, unimposing and therefore non-threatening. "Tell him Gatehouse sent us", might be the only interaction they have with you.

Need your former business partner's garden turned into a smoking ruin in the dead of night?
There'd be an advantage to having your dead-beat dad's holiday account emptied into your school book account?
Need your dog walked, vigorously, at 2am?

Call the FLMA. We'll remember what we have to do, even if you and we testify in court that none of us are aware of it ever being ordered.

No records are kept; no tales told.

UnaBubba, Jun 04 2012

water melon shark http://www.whatabou...hollow-1024x764.jpg
[not_morrison_rm, Jun 06 2012]


       I like it, but you'd probably end up doing a lot of mindless, boring drek.   

       This reminded me of an 'experiment' I tried years ago: I set up an anonymous email account, then put up an ad on Kregslist that read "Problems Solved, No Questions Asked."   

       The only response I got was from some guy who wanted to join up.
Alterother, Jun 04 2012

       You needed to do more advertising?
UnaBubba, Jun 04 2012

       Probably the kind of problems us Craigslisters have don't match up with the solutions you could deliver. I, for example, bought a refrigerator with two keg tapper fixtures, a CO2 tank and some lines and such from the 'list this weekend.   

       Now if you could figure out how to get it into my spare bedroom, that would be a problem solved.
normzone, Jun 04 2012

       I really just did it to see what kind of responses I'd get; I set up the anonymous email so that I wouldn't get caught up in anything that I couldn't back out of. I chose Craygzlist because it was around the time that the press was going apeshit about the online prostitution scandal, and there was all manner of speculation about what other scandalous activity might be taking place on such 'unregulated' websites. I thought I might get people with interesting or unique conundrums, and also those who wanted something immoral or illegal done. I even fantasized that I might get proactive cops or sleazy journalists trying to entrap me in some concocted misdeed.   

       But, to both my amusement and disappointment, all I got were repeated messages from this guy trying to convince me that he had 'the skills that it takes' and that I really needed him 'on the team'. He never asked what kind of problems 'we' solved (he seemed to have formed the impression that I was actually a group or organization), nor did he specify what his 'skills' were. I'm pretty sure he thought he'd be joining the A-Team or something. It probably broke his heart when I let the ad expire and canceled the email account. Even now, I imagine him sitting at the end of the bar in some shabby watering hole, telling anyone who will listen about his 'shot at the big- time'.   

       [normz], that's easy, you just mount the taps on the door so that the kegs go inside the fridge with long enough lines to let the door open all the way--if you use the tall, skinny kind from soda fountains, you can fit three standing up and build a bracket to mount a fourth horizontally above them. Then you disconnect the thermostat from the freezer and put the CO2 tank in there, drill a hole for the CO2 line through into the fridge compartment and seal it with spray foam, and install your gang valve on the wall or ceiling of the fridge (get the clean-out kind with the inspection window so you can tell if it's iced up). The soda-fountain taps (available from restaurant supply stores or websites) come apart into two pieces, so just disconnect the tap heads and wheel the whole thing through the door with a hand truck.   

       Remember to close the CO2 tank's head valve and bleed the pressure from the main line when you're not using it. A 30-lb tank will fit diagonally into a standard-sized freezer compartment, unless it has a bulky ice-cube maker, which you'll have to remove in that case. In addition to the convenient dimensions, a couple of other advantages to using the soda-fountain kegs are that you can de- pressurize them very easily, and they have large hatches on the top, making them very easy to fill, empty, and clean. You can buy used ones for about $35, but bring along a tank and some soapy water to check for leaks before you hand over the cash; they're the one component you don't want to purchase online.
Alterother, Jun 04 2012

       Geez guys, I just wanted someone to take to the owner of the local gym with a pick handle, because he's a jerk who rips off his staff and his customers. All this talk of beer fridges in spare bedrooms sounds like hard work.
UnaBubba, Jun 04 2012

       No worries, we'll just call in the FMA to do the heavy lifting.
Alterother, Jun 04 2012

       Won't they arrive 5 days late? Oh, sorry, that's FEMA.
UnaBubba, Jun 04 2012

       "wheel the whole thing through the door with a hand truck"   

       [Alterother], I'm truly grateful for the detailed advice, and I'll stand you to a growler if you get out this way, but my problem is that even without the doors on it won't fit through the doorway and around the dogleg turn. Apartment life...   

       I'm thinking refrigerator on the patio with the taps mounted in the window.
normzone, Jun 04 2012

       Now, if those were faceless little men, there'd be a [+]
not_morrison_rm, Jun 05 2012

       I wasn't sure whether I wanted to make them "little" when I first posted.
UnaBubba, Jun 05 2012

       I have no copyright...damn now I have to bun you...<starts rummaging around for a bun>
not_morrison_rm, Jun 05 2012

       Bun is such a sad word, is it not?
UnaBubba, Jun 05 2012

       Particularly when it resembles a croissant... unless it's a faceless little croissant, of course.
Phrontistery, Jun 05 2012

       They're easier to swallow when they don't have faces.
UnaBubba, Jun 05 2012

       I was trying to find a pic of one of them Japanese fish chopping boards, which has a fold over bit, so you don't have to look at the face while you're chopping it up...but I found the watermelon shark instead.   

       It's much more amusing..see link.
not_morrison_rm, Jun 06 2012

       Hey! That guy doesn't have a face!
popbottle, Dec 02 2013


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