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funeral mystery service

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A service that you can buy for yourself so that when you die, a beautiful black-clad man or woman holding a single red rose stands near your funeral service, your hearse is followed by two SUVs with darkened windows, or two men in black suits and with prominent earpieces are seen standing under trees outside your funeral venue.
hippo, Mar 08 2021

http://www.rentamourner.co.uk/ [a1, Mar 08 2021]

https://www.jobmonk...ofessional-mourner/ [a1, Mar 08 2021]

Vindaloo by Fat Les https://www.youtube...watch?v=va6nPu-1auE
An unofficial anthem of the England football team. [DrBob, Mar 08 2021]

The real Mccoy https://imgur.com/gallery/jqO09rl
[2 fries shy of a happy meal, Mar 10 2021]

[link]






       People like me might require the opposite service, to bribe these people to stay away from my funeral.
pocmloc, Mar 08 2021
  

       The headstone would obviously be blank. The headlines would report the death of ..... instead of the name they would print a black redaction oblong. Excellent [+] Of course if it's for 8th, the coffin gets installed under the floor of a cat hotel.
xenzag, Mar 08 2021
  

       Presuming the purpose is to engender a degree of curiosity wonder & some degree of confusion in the friends, family & others attending the event as a last gift of cerebral stimulation from you, presumably the mystery mourner should be of the opposite type to that mandated by your previously known persuasions.   

       Perhaps beautiful isn't the best way to achieve this effect.   

       I hear Sturton feels he may be ready to return to employment, his appearance is quite striking in it's own very special way & should serve admirably in the required capacity.   

       I believe I have his contact details pasted to the back of on old tin of flenting wax (the alleged customer complaints department apparently), I'll see if I can dig it out if you'd like?
Skewed, Mar 08 2021
  

       I want all of those and also deliveries of fake passports, cash, guns, and "encrypted" documents to be "forwarded" for a month after my passing.
Voice, Mar 08 2021
  

       I'd like the variant where the hearse is trailed by a psychedelically decorated panel van, the teenage occupants of which include a large anthropomorphic great dane. Whether they unmask the open-faced coffin at the end, and it turns out to be the night-shift manager of the local museum, who would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for these meddling kids, is a detail that might be a nice flourish.
zen_tom, Mar 08 2021
  

       [zen] excellent!
[Voice] as part of this service, someone will covertly break into your house after your death and hide the fake passport, cash and guns somewhere amongst your possessions
hippo, Mar 08 2021
  

       Several members of the Soprano family arrive in shiny Cadillacs, Sporting fine suits and fedoras. Each carries a single black rose and as they toss it onto the casket they mumble something quite inaudible, So no one is quite sure what has been said. +
xandram, Mar 08 2021
  

       This idea could revive Rent-A-Mourner, which itself sadly passed away a couple years back.   

       Professional mourners have been a thing for thousands of years, but have a bun anyhow for a new spin.
a1, Mar 08 2021
  

       Welcome back [ai] - now drop yer kecks, and show us what you've got! (roughly translated - post an idea or two)
xenzag, Mar 08 2021
  

       [xenzag] thanks, er, I think... though some people would offer me a drink or two first.
a1, Mar 08 2021
  

       //someone will covertly break into your house after your death and hide the fake passport, cash and guns somewhere amongst your possessions//   

       Even better! Ooh, how much for a couple of phone calls featuring code phrases?
Voice, Mar 08 2021
  

       //I'd like the variant where the hearse is trailed by a psychedelically decorated panel van//

I'd like both & several more incongruous vehicles besides. Perhaps a TV detector van, a pest exterminator, an old truck with a squad of Homeguard troopers, an open-top bus full of Japanese tourists, a traction engine, a biker gang, Brian Blessed on a carnival float, regaling adoring listeners with over-the-top tales of theatre-land, another funeral procession for a complete stranger etc. Sort of the funereal equivalent of the video for Vindaloo (linky above for those who don't have a clue what I am referring to).
DrBob, Mar 08 2021
  

       //bus full of Japanese tourists// - this is very good. In the same way that Norman Wisdom rather faded into near-obscurity in his home country as he aged but was, for bizarre reasons, a massive superstar in Albania, it would be nice for my relatives to discover after my death that I am staggeringly famous in Bhutan.
hippo, Mar 08 2021
  

       Ah yes. That reign of terror that the Bhutanese will never forget!
DrBob, Mar 08 2021
  

       I think I'd like an entire travelling circus to arrive and mourn me as the freak who got away but they still think of as part of their extended family.
Of course I will pay extra for the animals.
  

       I like the idea, but, it turns out that beauty is expensive. Goons are cheap. A couple of hired goons with a hint of ex- special forces about them will add mystery at a lower cost.
bs0u0155, Mar 08 2021
  

       Yes, he registered to disappear.
wjt, Mar 09 2021
  

       Yes, please. I would also like to work for the company that employees the lady in black with a rose. I would love to accompany the grieving group around the grave. I have a deep relationship with families who are suffering losses.   

       And zen_tom, that is brilliant.
blissmiss, Mar 09 2021
  

       //I think I'd like an entire travelling circus to arrive and mourn me as the freak who got away but they still think of as part of their extended family. Of course I will pay extra for the animals//   

       So, a group of halfbakers gather in their typical wardrobes and bring a few random pets, and there you go.
RayfordSteele, Mar 09 2021
  

       Exactly.   

       Hey here's a weird coincidink. [link]
Heh, I said coincidinklink...
  

       Will there be a shootout, with military weapons, at the cemetery?   

       Because that always seems possible and likely in the movies.
UnaBubba, Mar 13 2021
  

       © There were two kinds of people ...
reensure, Mar 13 2021
  
      
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