Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Bag of fake dog mess

  [vote for,

It is beholden to responsible dog owners who walk their dogs in public to clean up the mess that said dogs sometimes leave.

But what if you’re lazy, antisocial, and just an all-round bad citizen ?

Then the BorgCo “Bag of fake dog mess” is the product you’re looking for.

The “bag” is actually some ovoid lumps of silicone in a thin, flexible yet tough membrane; within the membrane is also some inert oil.

To use, place the device in a conventional opaque (usually back) plastic dog mess bag and conceal it in a pocket. When your pooch does his or her business, reach into the pocket and extract the “bag” which can be concealed in the palm of the hand, along with an unused bag which you pretend to open.

Then, bend down, make appropriate arm movements suggesting that you are cleaning up the steaming heap, and walk away, ostentatiously dangling the “bag” from your fingertips. The unused empty bag is returned to the pocket.

It will appear to onlookers that you have in fact cleaned up the mess. If challenged, hold up the “bag” as evidence. If palpated, it will have a moist, squidgy feel, enough to deter further investigation, and as it's been in your pocket it should be slightly warm. If the challenger points at the offending residue, explain that your dog likes to do his or her business next to other dog’s business, and you have cleared up after your own dog; it is not your responsibility to clear up after others, as you have a limited supply of bags and may need another in the near future.

8th of 7, Jul 06 2019


       The perfect Christmas gift.
pocmloc, Jul 06 2019

       Guaranteed to break the ice at parties ...
8th of 7, Jul 06 2019

       Why do you have ice at your parties?
pocmloc, Jul 06 2019

       For the drinks, presumably. Incidentally, the Intercalary is allergic to ice, and is the only example of this allergy known to medical science. He's fine with water, and he has no other allergies except to Ryvita, which sends him into anaphylaxis.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 06 2019

       Very Gru
pertinax, Jul 07 2019

       Ice on Ryvita sounds very scandinavian
pocmloc, Jul 07 2019

       Delightful. The ideal snack to consume in an Ice Hotel; elsewhere, you'd just end up munching soggy cardboard.
8th of 7, Jul 07 2019

       Beware counterfeits of this product. The online marketplaces will be flooded with slightly cheaper "bag of fake dog mess" products. In many cases, the unscrupulous vendors will sell you, instead of a bag containing //some ovoid lumps of silicone in a thin, flexible yet tough membrane//, a bag containing some dog mess.
pocmloc, Jul 07 2019

       // unscrupulous vendors //   

       Yes, that's why the entire Buchanan clan is permanently banned from eBay, Amazon, Gumtree and Craigslist ..
8th of 7, Jul 07 2019

       Flavored snow cone filling could be an interesting Ryvita (or Doctor Kracker) topping…   

       (Disclaimer: I didn't claim it would be good.)
notexactly, Jul 21 2019

       I think I have a better way to humanely teach irresponsible dogs not to foul the park.
It involves a captive bolt.
Loris, Aug 07 2019

       Actually, that works better with the owners. And cats.   

       Although in that case, the bolt is untethered. And usually quite small ... maybe 7.62mm in diameter ...
8th of 7, Aug 07 2019

       //7.62mm in diameter//   

       and 51mm long before firing, as a guess? I assume NATO did extensive testing to optimize a round down to TWO DECIMAL PLACES. Impressive.   

       "Right chaps, we've narrowed it down. We're between the pea-shooter 7.6mm and the siege-specification 7.7mm, time to machine up 10 more barrels"   

       It's 1/3" x 2" FFS. It's this kind of debacle that led a 12yo me on a wild goose chase or a replacement 25.4mm seatpost that got a touch bent in an ambitious attempt to clear the 8th hole green of Macclesfield municipal golf course.
bs0u0155, Aug 07 2019

       // Macclesfield //   

       How you must have suffered ...   

       Do you still have webbed fingers and toes ?
8th of 7, Aug 07 2019

       //webbed fingers and toes ?// That's Bollington
bs0u0155, Aug 07 2019

       Ah yes, the only place on the OS maps still marked "Hiere bee Dragns" ...   

       In the past, Macclesfield was notorious for its enthusiasm for Scold's Bridles, a laudable social innovation that sadly seems to have fallen into disuse.
8th of 7, Aug 07 2019


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