Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Battleship with slidey bits in it and/or water pistols

  [vote for,

I had some good ideas in the week, but I've forgotten them, so you'll just have to put up with this instead.

Anyway, missile -> battle ship -> boom.

But a battleship with slidey bits but would help. By using radar to pinpoint the most likely place the missile is going to hit and moving the hull plate out of the way (and the plate on the other side of the ship) the missile will go straight through the ship, foiling the attack.

As a Plan B, very strong jets of water to diverts the missile elsewhere.

PS Finally found where some guy came up with the "Hey, let's use weapon-salve to longitude problem" short story. based on real bloke's idea - Kenelm Digby.

not_morrison_rm, May 20 2018

Kenelm Digby https://en.wikipedi...g/wiki/Kenelm_Digby
A loon, but a founding father of Royal Society, so a useful loon. [not_morrison_rm, May 20 2018]

H.M.S. M1 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HMS_M1
Not a success ... [8th of 7, May 20 2018]

Battleship Warspite (1913) at Rosyth Dockyard http://collections....a-2291910/large.jpg
[not_morrison_rm, May 21 2018]


       How long will you have to react once you've figured out where the missile is going to hit you?   

       If it's only a few seconds, your slidey bits will have to slide really, really quickly.
Wrongfellow, May 20 2018

       Won't it explode when it hits the water in the hole in the middle of the ship?   

       Again deflection is going to be minimal so explosion next to the ship will have some shockwave effect.
wjt, May 20 2018

       If the battleship were shaped like a species of waterfowl, when a missile appeared it could Duck, then Swan away …
8th of 7, May 20 2018

       ^Wa wa waaah...   

       From memory, large ships have lots of electricity and/or steam. With electromagnets you can shift big plates of steel about toot sweet, same for steam.   

       In my mind (such as it is) there is the a crew member sitting the loo reading the paper, at which point the hull plate vanishes into a slot, and the exocet plunges in through the newly made-gap....
not_morrison_rm, May 20 2018

       Would it not (and please note that this is a rhetorical question) be better to furnish the ship with vast flotation devices, fore and after, connected by large extensible rods? Then, in the event of a torpedo, the entire ship can just stand up on two legs and let the torpedo go under it.   

       Pirates could be dealt with in a similar way - just jack the ship up at the last moment, wait til they're underneath, and then descend.
MaxwellBuchanan, May 20 2018

       Alternatively, the ship could descend; it was tried, with mixed results. <link>
8th of 7, May 20 2018

       Um, ships aren't exactly hollow, and hull plating isn't exactly a non-structural wall.   

       Moving hull plating that's below the waterline sounds both impossible and a really bad idea if it were possible.   

       Now if this were about a mild-combat version of the game 'Battleship,' just scaled up a little with some water pistols in the backyard, now that I could get behind.
RayfordSteele, May 20 2018

       You're no fun anymore.
8th of 7, May 20 2018

       I come here for respite from a halfbaked world. Being a parent in America will do that to you.
RayfordSteele, May 20 2018

       // I come here for respite   

       Would you settle for Rosyth (Dockyard) to whit HMS Warspite with a biggish hole in it's side?   

       "the shell..upper deck, passed through the captain's accommodation and burst in the Captain of the Fleet's day cabin..."   

       At the time they suspected a disgruntled gunner, who had applied his famous billiards "banana shot" technique to the art of gunnery, but no evidence could found.
not_morrison_rm, May 21 2018

       A wormhole or higher dimensional generator on slidey turret bits would work.
wjt, May 21 2018

       This doesn't seem to take into account how missiles work. Generally, they're not designed (anymore, at least) to explode simply on impact. Rather, they explode while airborne, because this causes more damage. (Sometimes, "airborne" is even after passing through a wall.) So, the missile will just fly straight in the door you've kindly opened and explode right in the middle of your ship, doing much more damage than if it exploded on the outside (especially after your enemies learn what your ships do and program their missiles to account for it).
notexactly, May 25 2018

       //HMS Warspite with a biggish hole in it's side? //   

       pffft! That's barely a scratch for a ship of Warspite's considerable calibre.   

       // passed through the captain's accommodation and burst in the Captain of the Fleet's day cabin//   

       The sheer impertinence. Worse was the embarrassing lack of sprotsmanship shown, they never once ventured out for a proper rematch.
bs0u0155, May 25 2018

       Yes, but after all they were only foreigners. You really can't expect much from a non-cricket-playing nation who think that edible bread can be made from rye flour, and have no detectable sense of humour.
8th of 7, May 25 2018

       Damn that lack of sprotsmanship...although sproutsmanship tends to repeat on me.   

       //So, the missile will just fly straight in the door you've kindly opened and explode right in the middle of your ship,   

       I see, so it'd need either some kind of linear accelerator to ensure the missile has exited the ship before it explodes...or just lots of custard.   

       Anyone know how much custard to damp down an Exocet detonation?
not_morrison_rm, May 25 2018


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