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Bond's Children

"My father was named - Bond. James Bond."
  [vote for,

Eventually, James Bond will have to go the way of all flesh.

But in the meantime, he has left his DNA in some of the most exquisite wombs the planet has to offer - and even if only a few of those wombs bore fruit, one might expect the offspring to grow up to be fairly remarkable characters on their own.

Does he know where his children are? Do they know who he is? Did their mothers tell them the truth, or concoct stories instead? Would the apples fall far from the tree, or would many of them find themselves drawn to their father's world? And if so, would they be on the same side?

This idea could be adapted for movies, or books, or TV, or fanfic, or whatever.

smendler, Nov 13 2012

Nymphographic http://www.nextmovi...nymphographic_3.jpg
To further highlight [zen_tom]'s "where's the sex" dilemma, here's an infographic on all the women Bond has bedded, including a small skull icon to let you know which ones die horribly. [theleopard, Nov 13 2012]

omg, it's been baked http://www.campusmo...790-double-o-mix-up
At the reading of the will... "Mr Bond, this is Mr Bond..." [smendler, Mar 02 2013]

Baked again (sort of) - in a comic book! http://www.theatlan...en-life-sort/70482/
Presenting "The Illegitimates"... [smendler, Oct 14 2013]

James Bond, Jr. https://www.youtube...watch?v=AoWexi-DWFQ
Baked in the Nineties. [Xenophile, Jan 03 2019]


       Wouldn't James Bond have been the exemplar of British gallantry and always used appropriate contraception?

I've always assumed so. Just saw the latest Bond flick and it was a bit heavy on armament and light on double entendre and sex.
csea, Nov 13 2012

       Jane Bond?
xenzag, Nov 13 2012

       neat category
po, Nov 13 2012

       Ever since the ever-so-straight-bat of Jason Bourne (and it's no mistake that his initials are also JB) and the overt parody of Austin Powers, the poor-old Bond franchise has been shyed away from the rather fun and silly aspects of what a proper James Bond film should be. A true James Bond should be mixed equal measures of high-octane action fantasy, and carry-on film. Otherwise, it's just the same as all the other action films ever made.
zen_tom, Nov 13 2012

       This is a great idea! Each child could be played by the same (hopefully somewhat androgynous-looking) actor. Then there could be ever more close shaves as the film progresses, with the different sons and daughters almost but not quite meeting up, some on the same side in unknowing competition with each other, and some mortal enemies.
pocmloc, Nov 13 2012

       [+] I have never seen him use any contraception. (like maybe "wait until I can put this golden condom onto my member" or such!)
xandram, Nov 13 2012

       "Gooooold MEMbaaaaarrr..."
theleopard, Nov 13 2012

       Bond knows that his mission is coitus reservatus or to destroy the planet and shoot into space.
rcarty, Nov 13 2012

       // coitus reservatus// Not only does he know karate, he knows karezza?
smendler, Nov 13 2012

       Sorry thought reservatus was holding in a vat.
rcarty, Nov 13 2012

       Let's not forget his Uncle, Flemish. He was a brick.   

       Nor should we disregard his wayward half-Lithuanian son, Vaga.
MaxwellBuchanan, Nov 13 2012

       Unfortunately, his second cousin Covalent never enjoyed quite the success with the ladies. They all thought he was too “clingy”.   

       His sister Treasury, however, was always noted for her stability, even in troubled times.
ytk, Nov 13 2012

       The first movies are from the 60's; so some of his children may be older than himself :-)
piluso, Nov 13 2012

       ...and his oddly-named lawyerly cousin, Mywer Disma Bond...
hippo, Nov 14 2012

       I'd've thought that Her Majesty's etc would have had the presence of mind to have each orphan agent's vas deferentia snipped like fuck prior to being released into the wild. No point in allowing these blunt instruments to compromise themselves any more than is unavoidable.
calum, Nov 14 2012

       I just saw the HB tag line on this post   

       "Bunned. James Bunned"
PainOCommonSense, Nov 14 2012

       I think you forgot about his criminal twin cousins, Jail & Bail Bond.
xandram, Nov 14 2012

       and of course the tow truck driver, Otto.
FlyingToaster, Nov 14 2012

       I would guess that Lord Bond's funeral (he gets promoted when he retires) would be the catalyst that brings some of them together.
smendler, Mar 02 2013

       Now that Goldmember song is going to be stuck in my head all day. Better the song than the member, though.   

       ...beware of his member of gold... that member's cold!
bungston, Mar 04 2013

       "Tonight on BOND'S CHILDREN - James Jr. flies into Nashville, where brother Johnny B. Bond is undercover in the music scene. Sister Jessie, meanwhile, is on the trail of human traffickers in the south of France, and Jamal finds something disturbing in the debris of a house in Pakistan."
smendler, Mar 25 2013

       There's one minor snag to Bonds children that springs to mind.   

       Most of his bed partners appear to have been from the other side of the tracks, so it seems plausible most of any offspring will have been raised & trained by the soviets etc.   

       They should be working for the other side :)
Skewed, Jan 04 2019

       That's only if they've been educated at Oxford or Cambridge ...
8th of 7, Jan 04 2019

       But of course, know thy enemy, their handlers will send them to be educated in England, after they've been properly indoctrinated against going native of course, gives your agents a better cover as well : it shouldn't of course, because everyone knows all graduates from Oxford & Cambridge are soviet spies, but the memo doesn't seem to have reached GCHQ or any of our agencies yet.
Skewed, Jan 04 2019


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