Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
h a l f b a k e r y
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Burning Pitchforks

dastardly illumination but also a picnic utensil
  (+6, -2)
(+6, -2)
  [vote for,

A mob brandishing pitchforks, and burning torches as they advance down a street is a familiar scene in many films, particularly of the Hammer Horror type. I even proposed the assembly of such a mob myself to hunt down the halfbakery humbugs.

Being the halfbakery mob, I propose they are appropriately equipped with startling new halfbaked pitchforks. And how can they be new I hear you ask in disbelief as they look exactly the same as the old style ones? Well, these new pitchforks emit flames from their long pointed tines!

They can do this because their tines are fiendishly hollowed out and perforated along their curved lengths with many holes.

It is these holes that deliver a steady supply of paraffin (or similar fuel) from a reservoir and mini pump contained within the wooden supporting shaft. (my pyrotechnics experts take care of this type of detail)

A regulator enables the flames to be delivered at little more than a flickering glow, but at any point they can become tongues of fire that illuminate the night as they are waved skywards and the baying mob cheerfully advances.

When not in humbug hunting mode, Flaming Pitchforks double up as long-reach picnic toasting skewers.

xenzag, Dec 19 2021

Also helpful for forking hay at night! https://www.flametr...-9781786644916.html
[whatrock, Dec 20 2021]


       As a representative of the Flaming Torches Users Union, I wish to register an official complaint. We have long collaborated with the Pitchfork Wielders, in a stable and established relationship whereby we provide the flames and they provide the pointy spikes. This new development upsets this centuries old compromise and I fear there is now no going back. I insist on behalf of all users of flaming torches, that the same disgusting and unnatural innovation of science is applied to our torches. Perhaps have long spikes like javelins constantly being shot out of the torches? Or maybe something even more dastardly. We have to get one up on those flaming pitchfork upstarts and show them their place.
pocmloc, Dec 19 2021

       WIFRT, I imagined we'd apply pitch to the forks, and set fire to the pitch.
pertinax, Dec 19 2021

       Ha. Your names are going on the humbug list!
“Yure either agin us or aginst us”
xenzag, Dec 19 2021

       Mmmmm, stripey peppermints!
pertinax, Dec 19 2021

       Those are tridents and not pitchforks. Your name is now added to list when the pedants take to the streets and the hunt begins.
xenzag, Dec 19 2021

       Standards must be maintained. You should know that. Things have gotten far too casual around here. Taking back your crumb now will be a sign of petulance, and besides, the grass is long and I know how to wait in it.
xenzag, Dec 19 2021

       Hahaha - youngster!
xenzag, Dec 19 2021

       No longer am I held back by the tyranny of weight caused by both torch and pitchfork!
Voice, Dec 19 2021

       Double ouch. Yes.
blissmiss, Dec 19 2021

       //when the pedants take to the streets// you don't say what they take.
pocmloc, Dec 19 2021

       I used not to like the streets, but recently I've taken to them.
pertinax, Dec 19 2021

       It's easy to see why the Halfbakery is in decline. It's become negative and quite cheerless with little appreciation of humour. Fortunately I have a large following on Instagram for my other work so the bakery postings can rest up for a while.
xenzag, Dec 20 2021

       Y...you're cheating on us?   

       I'm logging out. It's tiresome here now and not worth the effort. I'll check in again in a few months time.
xenzag, Dec 20 2021

       All I know is that I'm going to start selling packets of marshmallows where the number of marshmallows is divisible by 3.
AusCan531, Dec 20 2021

       //It's become negative//   

       To be fair, it always had a merciless streak.
pertinax, Dec 20 2021

       [AusCan] I jumped to the ‘annotate’ button to make a marshmallow-related comment but you beat me to it
hippo, Dec 20 2021

       + So maybe a double purpose then. The pitchfork ignites and the Trident shoots water.
xandram, Dec 20 2021

       I feel ya, xen, but promise me you will simply walk away and see if your perspective doesn't change. It took someone simply referring a book to me, to let me see a much-needed shift.   

       I care deeply for you, and your posts are always my favorite. They are packed with imagination and creativity. The whole purpose I come here. I am blissmisses on insta. Don't leave. Please.
blissmiss, Dec 20 2021

       I recommend napalm as fuel. Dial the flow rate up to 11 and Satan would be envious.
RayfordSteele, Dec 20 2021

       // I'm going to start selling packets of marshmallows where the number of marshmallows is divisible by 3//   

       No no no!   

       You sell them in numbers divisible by anything but three, that way they either have to buy an extra pack to get the number of fork loads they want & end up with left over marshmallows, which then encourages them to buy another pack sooner than they might have so they can finish off the left over marshmallows in the cupboard.   

       Ever wondered why burgers are sold in packs of four while buns are sold in packs of six? well now you know.
Skewed, Jan 10 2022

       //tiresome here now//   

       Bugger, we can't afford to lose any more.   

       [Note to self: try & be less argumentative]   

       [Waves at [poc]]
Skewed, Jan 10 2022

       <looks suspiciously at what is being waved, trying to see if it has perforations>
pocmloc, Jan 10 2022


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