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Buttock Massage

Do away with deep vein trombonists.
  (+7, -2)
(+7, -2)
  [vote for,

After three hours of LotR last night, me and my mates were all afflicted with that peculiar gait that identifies hardened cinema-goers and long distance flyers.

To my mind, it's about time that all cinema (and aircraft) seats were equipped with a trap-door in the bottom. Teams of badly paid, part-time students could then be employed to slide along the floor under the seats (perhaps using those little trolleys that car mechanics use), open up the trap door and give your buttocks a relieving massage whilst you are watching the film.
DrBob, Dec 20 2001

The Cinema Grill http://www.cinemagrill.com/
"Cinema Grill is a very special way to relax, dine, and simultaneously see the great American movie. " [bristolz, Dec 20 2001, last modified Oct 21 2004]


       Alternative solution: 'standing room only' cinemas.
pottedstu, Dec 20 2001

       Maybe they could have relieving electronic massage machines built into all the cushions on the bottoms and backs of the seats. I only say this because I would not want a stranger massaging my arse in a dark theatre.
jimithing, Dec 20 2001

       ". . . I would not want a stranger massaging my arse in a dark theatre . . ." (jimithing)

I've been to "theaters" like that (uh, accidentally, or something). And they don't play "Lord of the Rings" type movies. More like "Lords of the Cock Rings."

Just to avoid confusion with THAT type of "theater," I endorse the electronic option.

Besides, the car-creeper method of transit for human massagers would never work. The wheels would stick to the floors and the creeper would be banging into empty soda cups and popcorn troughs (at least in my experience, children and some adults are really obnoxious about casting their refuse around the theater).

Then theres the whole problem of running into people's ankles.

//unrelated// I really, really, really want to have a theater where (1) liquor is served, (2) nobody under 21 is allowed, ever (3) No airplane seats, just big comfy chairs and barstools (4) smoking is allowed. What the heck, why not just show movies in bars? I know in the US the laws are rather strict regarding movie theaters, but surely there must be some way of presenting a business that is primarily a bar but just happens to also show movies, so that it doesn't encounter those restrictions.
quarterbaker, Dec 20 2001

       You obviously haven't sat through the original StarWars trilogy in one go, or done a Mad Max nightshift, jimithing. After that, you'd be glad to have anyone (or anything) tending to your glutious maximus. I went for students rather than electronics because a) a vibrating chair would make an annoying humming sound and distract from the film and b) students are cheap and will do anything for money.
DrBob, Dec 20 2001

       deep vein trombonists
alternate spelling: deep vein trombonisitis

       Possibly caused by reduced blood flow or mechanical pressure to the siciatric nerves of the effected hip during extended sittings of orchestral trombone solos or post-prandal high-carb stupor.   

       Suggestion: Bring back the golden age of cinema and produce only blockbusters that wrest people up out of their seats.
reensure, Dec 20 2001

       Just watch all your movies in DVD stores. You can come and go as you want, stand up or sit on the floor (though staff might get a little perturbed), walk around if you're bored.   

       There's a cinema in Edinburgh, Scotland, the Cameo, that's fully licensed, so you can take your drinks into the auditorium. I think if people went back and forth to the bar during the show that would be classed as unacceptably annoying, and there's also the risk of people needing to go to the toilet more often. Although all that extra walking would alleviate the buttock pain, thus proving this anno isn't completely off-topic.
pottedstu, Dec 20 2001

       Quarterbaker: I have seen bar/movie theatres. Has tables with somewhat more comfortable chairs, and waitresses who take orders and bring food and drink.
StarChaser, Dec 20 2001

quarterbaker, Dec 20 2001

       There is such a place in (north) Seattle called The Cinema Grill. Comfortable chairs and tables with a waitstaff. No smoking, though. I tried it once, it was okay. The movies are not first-run, though. Sort'a second run faire. (In this case it was "Autumn in New York," blah).
bristolz, Dec 20 2001

       or failing that come round to mine!
po, Dec 20 2001

       What po says: videos were invented so that those who don't like to watch films in the awesome atmosphere of a hushed auditorium can see them at home, stack the beers by their sofa, smoke anything they want to, and go to the toilet as often as they like. (Although I knew one cinema in Leeds where everyone went along to the late night double bills with bongs and carryouts.)
pottedstu, Dec 20 2001

       quarterbaker: Where do you live? In Brooklyn, there's Ocularis, where you can bring in drinks from the adjoining bar & enjoy a smoke. Chairs aren't so comfy, though. In San Francisco, the Castro Theater's pretty legendary for loungy sofa-viewing. But since it's in California, you probably can't smoke or drink.   

       In the 1980's I lived in the Bronx, where doing whatever you like at the movies appears to be (or have been) the norm. In the summertime, families would spend the entire day at the theater just for the air conditioning. People smoking pot; selling watches, drugs, what-have-you; children urinating in the aisles - everything! I once saw a guy with a portable TV watching a baseball game at the movies. Those theaters never seemed to show anything but grade Z slasher flicks anyway, so it didn't really matter...
snarfyguy, Dec 20 2001

       Quarterbaker: I am in Tampa, Florida, USA. I've seen three different places, one named 'Mugs and Movies'.   

       Like bristolz says, they tended to be either second-run, or late first run movies.
StarChaser, Dec 21 2001

       I live in the middle of nowhere, USA. I don't go to theaters very often. Watch most things on video. I'll have to look for a bar/theater next time I travel to a metropolitan area. It might be quite a while, though, and I'll probably forget by then. Of course, my first thought when going to a large city is usually "hey, I should get laid," and not "hey, I could go watch a movie and get drunk." Though the latter is usually what happens. Damn I'm pathetic.
quarterbaker, Dec 21 2001

       Quarterbaker: I live in the middle of nowhere, USA, too. Although I do live about 10 minutes away from a good-sized city. Within this city, there is a "cinema grill," so called, because you eat while you watch a movie. You show up before the movie, waitresses take your order, you get your food, and the movie starts. I've never been there, but I heard it's a nice place to go to. I don't know if alcohol is served or not, but I suspect it is.   

       DrBob: You're right, I'm not a big movie-goer. But, being a student, I wouldn't want my peers massaging my arse either. Maybe we can combine forces and come up with a completely silent robot, not offended at all by the sticky floor and garbage, who would re-instate life into dead legs and butts with a nice massage. Maybe there can be a button on the seat which, when you press, the robot comes to you. If you don't press it, the robot won't come?
jimithing, Dec 21 2001

       On the massager - electric massagers don't have to vibrate. There are so-called "shiatsu" type massagers that have moving bumps under a flexible skin. They're actually quite nice, though technically not shiatsu. Could easily build these into seats, for maybe $150 - 200 USD.
quarterbaker, Dec 21 2001

       jimithing, done! The method isn't really important, it's the effect that counts.

Rods, Shaz and Dave? Really? Gertcha!
DrBob, Dec 21 2001

       wonderful :)
jimithing, Dec 21 2001

       Oh no you don't. Not on my idea! [terrible puns deleted].
DrBob, Dec 22 2001

       Three and a half hours of 'Return of the King' and the torture of my backside is finally over. However my glutious maximus has now been reduced to a glutious minimus. Where were all the students when I needed them?
DrBob, Dec 18 2003

       [DrBob] if only I could reduce the maximus of my gluteous by watching ROTK! (Top film though *still swooning over Aragorn* and top idea +)
hazel, Dec 18 2003

       I live right next to a brilliant little old cinema with great big, comfy seats (the toilets are in a vaulted cellar too). It also sells beer in bottles or glasses. No smoking though, natch.   

       It ran a special triple feature of LOTR showing which started on Tuesday at 6pm-ish. This meant that the new LOTR started at 1 minute past midnight, i.e. 00:01 on Wednesday. Loads of people went. Not me. Numb bum hell.
squeak, Dec 18 2003

       It's more foreplay than you usually get out of young male students
hazel, Dec 18 2003

       Too true [hazel]. Thank goodness it's all in my past now.
squeak, Dec 18 2003

       Since your idea is so friendly to 'buns', here's another for you!
dobtabulous, Dec 18 2003

       We have three screen complex in Istanbul playing first run movies, (Just wacthed Troy) Where you can sit on a sofa, drink, eat if you are sitting on glass saperated VIP lounge. Smoke and service can not disturb the others because of the glass separation. Rest of the theather is reclining seats. The massage...., I will recommend them since you all asked for it. Here is some pictures; http://www.afm.com.tr/SinemaDetay.Aspx?SinemaId=11
akdemir, May 18 2004


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