Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Coffee Hymen

Deflower several times a day
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What is it about new jars of instant coffee? Grown men and women derive immense pleasure piercing the paper seal to get at the contents. Often they use fingers, sometimes spoons, occasionally knives and even mobile phone antennae. I even remember a television advertisement with this as a theme (I think she used a spoon).

Is it the aroma of the coffee or perhaps it’s the physical resistance of the seal; then again maybe it’s the satisfying pop as entry is gained?

I propose a pack of fresh paper seals attached to threaded plastic tops to be screwed onto the jar.

Satisfaction several times a day.

DenholmRicshaw, May 05 2005

(?) Coffee Scent http://www.charlest.../subcatid/23/id/401
There's nothing like the smell of freshly brewed coffee (not even the taste, be honest) - so why don't you skip the cofee and just spray the scent around? [DrCurry, May 07 2005]

(?) Cold-brewed: The Toddy System http://www.kitchenk...ns-and-answers.html
Has very little to do with the main idea here but does produce great tasting coffee. [bristolz, May 09 2005]

[link]






       You sure know how to write intriguing titles.   

       I quite like this idea, as much as I like the satisfaction of opening new instant coffee jars. What really gets me off though, is poking the tip of a knife into a vacuum packed bag of ground coffee and listening to it softly go "pffffffff" as the air rushes in.   

       If you also get unreasonably excited by little acts, why not write in to us at: "We don't get out much", PO Box 356, Halfbakery, Cyberland, HB23 77G
wagster, May 05 2005
  

       delightful
benfrost, May 05 2005
  

       [Ian] That sounds like one of those "The meaning of Liff" definitions.
[DenholmRicshaw] Nice idea, but I think that if this stopped being a rare, precious experience (i.e. only possible when you open a new jar of instant coffee) then it would become less exciting and provide no more stimulation than, say, opening a can of drink.
hippo, May 05 2005
  

       pshaw! That ho-bag cofee is trying pass as virgin!   

       Also, I shudder to think of how some [EDJr?] may choose to open it if marketed with such a title.
sophocles, May 05 2005
  

       …if this stopped being a rare, precious experience … then it would become less exciting and provide no more stimulation…   

       Good point but human kind is very inventive. I expect:   

       Fottage: Rubbing vigorously for pleasure against a coffee jar seal – penetration optional   

       Fotting: Public piercing whilst being observed   

       Fottilingus: Tongues, piercing, coffee reward   

       Fotty-Fetishism: Members only   

       [Ian Tindale] Fot is a word that will now live forever
DenholmRicshaw, May 05 2005
  

       Mmmmm.... Coffee.......
DesertFox, May 05 2005
  

       If you make the lids to burp this may work; otherwise, just continue to pull the mini-rings out of waxed board juice boxes. They feel big in your hand that way.
reensure, May 05 2005
  

       //…if this stopped being a rare, precious experience … then it would become less exciting and provide no more stimulation… //
"When a pleasure becomes a habit, it is no longer a pleasure" - I read that in a Christmas cracker - my mum looked at me.
So that just leaves the cigarettes and drinking then.
gnomethang, May 05 2005
  

       This was a favorite at the military academy, holding a paper napkin drum-tight over an open jar of peanut butter followed by a deep stab with the middle finger.
FarmerJohn, May 05 2005
  

       Mmmmm, oh yes.
Machiavelli, May 06 2005
  

       Wow, you've really hit on some undercurrent of humanity here. I had no idea.   

       I don't enjoy this at all, so I guess I'm the odd one. I go out of my way to avoid this experience, actually. When confronted with such a paper seal, I tear it off from the edge, as whole a piece as possible.   

       I shall not fishbone, however... clearly mine is not the common viewpoint.
waugsqueke, May 06 2005
  

       Glad to hear I'm not the only one [Brau].
wagster, May 06 2005
  

       I guess the coffee can packaging won't be in wearing white.
macncheesy, May 06 2005
  

       Did I mention that for the penetration averse, the seal has a small unstuck tab that allows the paper to be removed in one piece?
DenholmRicshaw, May 06 2005
  

       This page seethes with the overspill imagery of sexual repression.
calum, May 06 2005
  

       //Within the pages of a small hastily- written pot-boiler of a marketing spin- off book loosely connected with either 'Not The Nine O'Clock News', or the 'Smith and Jones' offshoot, issued around Christmas 1980 or 81//

I believe that that was the 'Not The Nine O'Clock News Calendar, 1981', a yellowing copy of which still adorns my bookshelf.

I don't think that the coffee itself is of any relevance to this; it's the cracking of the vacuum seal that provides satisfaction. As scout's anno hints, I suspect that this particular fetish has much in common with bubble-wrap popping.

waugsqueke's affliction, on the other hand, is that he's just an anal retentive and has to have everything neat and tidy. Much like one of my mates who carefully folds up his litter into a nice little square before putting it into the bin. It's a sad case.

Here endeth the consultation. That'll be a thousand pounds (sterling) please. Cash only.
DrBob, May 06 2005
  

       It’s the vacuum that makes this entertaining. Hmmm, how to reintroduce a vacuum.
Shz, May 06 2005
  

       Kirby managed.
Mr Burns, May 06 2005
  

       Gerald reached for the jar on the shelf. The equipment had been acting up, the samples unresponsive and the sprockets unweildy. He needed coffee, and now.   

       He stared down at the uncapped jar. Surely not. Had his mornings misfortunes, perhaps, been only to make this moment sweeter? What oversight, what haste may have put this here for him and him alone - that did not matter. But it was here.   

       For him.   

       He ran his finger around the sealed rim of the jar - the jar purchased but somehow, as yet, invoilate. He contemplated that perfect delineation, the separation of the coffee from the rest of the universe in all dimensions but the temporal. He tapped, ever so lightly, the centre of the taut, firm film and in his minds eye saw the Bessel functions dance across the surface of the membrane.   

       He remembered to breathe.   

       Picking up the spoon, with attention almost religously devout, he placed the edge against the paper.   

       "Hey Gerald, have you se- Oh! You've spilt coffee everywhere! I'll have a cup if you're making it, thanks."
Detly, May 06 2005
  

       "...how to reintroduce a vacuum..."   

       Oh Oh I forgot, there's an optional small tube with a one way valve that lets air out but not in.   

       You have to suck it.   

       ...and you can reverse the tube and blow it too...
DenholmRicshaw, May 06 2005
  

       I get really excited when I'm the first one to open a jar of peanut butter and I get to officially declare the peanut butter open and ready for consumption. I raise the kniffe high in the air and plunge it into the middle of the jar. I just love it!!
Divott, May 06 2005
  

       //Isn't it more like the coffee can farts when you open it?//

Actually, this is one of the things that puzzles me. I buy two types of espresso coffee. One is packed in foil, "vacuum packed for freshness". The other is in a can which is "pressurized for freshness". Like, what? Is 15psi specifically deleterious to coffee?
Basepair, May 06 2005
  

       //... so that the blade with the logo on it points to magnetic north. //   

       Damn, why'd you have to mention that?   

       // waugsqueke's affliction, on the other hand, is that he's just an anal retentive and has to have everything neat and tidy. //   

       Well that may be so. But I crumble up the seal after I remove it, so I'm not all that. It's just the sound and texture of the break that I dislike. It's that cheap drumhead sensation.
waugsqueke, May 07 2005
  

       "...cheap drumhead sensation..."   

       Eureka! Coffee seal timpani orchestra
DenholmRicshaw, May 07 2005
  

       Why would you want to drink instant coffee anyway? Ick. Fishbone.
disbomber, May 07 2005
  

       "" [disbomber]
Zimmy, May 07 2005
  

       [Ian] - but that's disregarding the cermonial aspect of it. Brewing ground coffee in a plunger, even quickly, is five minutes that I'm not swearing at machinery or suffering coursework. Plus, I get a cup of coffee at the end of it.
Detly, May 07 2005
  

       Tea, anyone?
gnomethang, May 07 2005
  

       // It should in theory be every bit as good as real coffee, //   

       It isn't though. Not nearly so. I have never found a way to get the same taste as fresh ground immediately before brewing.   

       I think there's a bit of culture influence here too. Instant coffee is much more popular in Canada than in the US, I've noticed. That may be the UK influence on Canada showing (or at least eastern Canada).
waugsqueke, May 07 2005
  

       [Denholme] are you benfrost in disguise?
energy guy, May 08 2005
  

       Hello my name is [kaz] and I really haven't had a cup of coffee for about eight months now, the amount of sugar i used to put in those was absurd.
kaz, May 09 2005
  

       Welcome [kaz], welcome [UnaBubba]. Come on in. Make yourselves comfortable. My name is [Shz], and I’ve been decaffeinated since 1983.
Shz, May 09 2005
  

       Anyone here ever tried cold-brewed coffee? Toddy system? It's very good, as coffee goes, and once brewed (overnight) it can be made for ~12% the labor of hot brewed but, arguably, has ~110% of the taste.
bristolz, May 09 2005
  

       I have to punch out about 50 bubble packed pills a day, for the residents. The joy quickly left after the first week. Now I either squish em to bits with stress, or I push em so hard they fly across the room. But empyt bubble wrap, and "real" coffee...mmmm. Nope, not anal really, but the whole hymen experience must be more male driven than female.
blissmiss, May 09 2005
  

       crickey its kaz. I thought they had sealed off the A4 permanently.   

       blissy, it's time you came up with a blister pack opening machine.
po, May 09 2005
  

       "[Denholme] are you benfrost in disguise?"   

       Alas no
DenholmRicshaw, May 09 2005
  

       Kaz, Kaz who? Like that person that used to be here a lot, and was really funny and looked like Todd Rundgren? Nah, couldn't be him. He would be about...hmm, 25 by now.
blissmiss, May 10 2005
  

       Tennis ball cans provide even more enjoyment.
darkboy115, May 10 2005
  

       Gotta love that tension and release.   

       For serious thrill junkies, may I suggest relieving some of the pressure on your neighbor?   

       It's dangerous though - very selfish and very addictive.
bneal27, May 10 2005
  

       I once saw a horrid movie where a man tried to sell another man a hooker.   

       "Very young... she's a retrovigin..."   

       so I see that reattaching a hymen is apparently possible, on humans at least, in some sick alternate universe where movies come from.
ye_river_xiv, Feb 17 2007
  

       Sick alternate universe? Oh, if only. Do a google search for "Hymen restoration" or "hymenoplasty". Not only will you get hits, you'll get *ads* that offer in warm, understanding tones to put the finest medical science in service of cultural, religious, or ethnic idiocy. (Yet another problem in the world that could be solved by teaching sleight-of-hand skills in schools.)
jutta, Feb 17 2007
  
      
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