Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Composite Famous Physicist

A man of many ‘talents’
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The other day I was thinking about how much sex Einstein must have been offered after he became famous with General Relativity. Too much in fact..

As the story goes, he had women (and men) making human pyramids up the walls of his house. Knocking down the door with rams. Taking his trousers down at gun point. Others leaping on him from trees as he passed under them, (like Newton’s apple - but more desperate for sex) and so on and so forth.

Frightening in a sense, and also saddening that he was unable to satisfy them all. Plus he probably would have quite liked to have some peace and quiet to carry on thinking (he’d already told his wife in no uncertain terms to shut up and leave him alone - now look what he’d gotten himself into)

A ‘composite famous physicist’ is what’s needed really, to take some of the strain off, and meet the sexual demand without being pumped dry.

The participant (let’s say it’s me) would use the Internet to find twenty or so people who look almost identical to me, aided by a slight disguise, eg moustache and pince-nez and a stoop.They would all live in the same house. Voila, we have our composite Physicist, appearing to be one guy.

But what about the physics, the fame part? Easy, again the Internet comes into play. One option is to get all the popular physics books written by Brian Greene et al, evicerate them, and using the good old ‘cut and shuffle’ method, put the ideas together in 100,000 different ways, with a splash of imagination, creating different 100,000 Theories of Everything, published online under various names.

One of these theories would surely be not too far off the mark. When it transpired which one (as real physics caught up) i/we would quickly delete the wrong theories online and broadcast how I had got there first.

All a bit long -winded, though, and in fact totally unneccessary, when one sees what a great bullshit enhancer the Internet is, a great generator of new ‘truths’. As Pop, the Arts, and the Ruskies have taught us well. (Though it must be said the Ruskies are not doing so well now. Their mistake could have been denying their attack before it actually happened. Silly. )

A simple equation like ¥^5 = ¥^5 —1* should do the trick. (Who knew yen was fundamental?) The theory itself will be inexpressible in mere words. A few hundred twitterbots should do the rest, aided by positive feed back, shooting us up to the top of google. Forever. Naysayers will be shouted down by louder Twitter bots. Scorned by the physics community we we be sexily “ the bad boy of physics” and “the maverick” .

Now reinforce the front door, and wait for the highs pitched screams, the Roses chocolates through the letterbox, the disgustingly wet and malodorous knickers..

*Ps I made a simple discovery here with might REALLY have implications for physics. I was always told two minuses make a plus, but typing two minuses in a row here just made an extra long minus..oh. what have I discovered? What have I done?

Do I really need to reinforce the door ?

DDRopDeadly, Mar 29 2018


       //Do I really need to reinforce the door//   

       No, but in any case reinforcing it would be inefficient.   

       I recommend an arrangement involving a pit (artfully concealed behind the door, which you leave unlocked), trampoline & wood chipper to deliver them directly to the compost heap.   

       You'll be able to grow some lovely roses & they won't be back again later.
Skewed, Mar 29 2018

       When you quantumly entangle truth and fiction, the universe falls apart.
RayfordSteele, Mar 29 2018


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