Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Cotton Candy Toilet Bowl

On the spot, spot-removing, paper maker
(+1, -1)
  [vote for,

Gone are the days of dabbing and wiping with flimsy, soggy toilet paper. Install the Cotton Candy toilet bowl module for faster, fingerless paperwork. It consists of no more than a perforated metal ring mounted above the waterline and a hopper-pump unit on the reservoir.

The hopper is filled with the mix of industrial potato starch and micro confetti, available at most supermarkets and service stations. When a derriere deed is done and any frontal lobes have been removed from the line of fire, hit the red floor switch with the right heel. Like a cotton candy machine, a circular pattern of particle streams will gently spray the exposed area with a moist mist of cellulose, reaching every hair and cranny.

When the build-up approximates a four-ply tissue, the unit blasts the area with warm air, turning the pulp to paper in seconds. Pinch and peel an edge far from the bull’s eye for sanitary removal and release to dissolve in the bowl. An occasional wipe action may be needed to dislodge clinging stalactites.

By adding the shredder-mulch option you can recycle three Idahoes and a weekday New York Times or The Sun minus page 3 (silicone gums up the works) into one whole week’s roughage remover.

Or for a holiday treat, Fathers Christmas, load the hopper with a super-sized fries in the bag, the Sunday comics and scraps of gift-wrapping paper. Sit ass-backwards on the loo letting it all hang out and hit the switch to colourfully decorate the Yule log for Mrs Claus. Add a bright ribbon to keep it from bursting out of the party package.

FarmerJohn, Dec 17 2003


k_sra, Dec 17 2003

       Isn't somebody going to complain about the lack of a clock-reference on this one? Huge bun for the reference to Yule log (snigger).
dobtabulous, Dec 17 2003

       "Hows the view from sugar heaven, bitch?!!"
--Super Troopers
Letsbuildafort, Dec 17 2003

       You could delay the "Pinch and peel" until next time, couldn't you? Might feel (or look) a little strange in the interim, but you could get used to it.
hoopdy, Dec 17 2003

       //reaching every hair//   

       Not after the first "pinch and peel".
squeak, Dec 17 2003

       A lot of people have dificulty giving respect to an idea so funny, but I think there are definetly posibilites for the product as well as for you as a stand up.
ricedo, Dec 17 2003

       Would this come in just the one scent?   

       Do you anticipate problems with this being associated with kid's sticky fingers?   

       Might you find a wider market if this were called DermaButt's Blast-n-Peel?   

       As a corporate investor I feel it my duty to propose such anal questions.
Tiger Lily, Dec 17 2003

       [FJ] could you supply an illustration?
kbecker, Dec 17 2003

       I forsee a portable version of this which allows you to squat and peel everywhere. Make paper pulp cocoons everywhere and on the go. Squat, peel, toss, done! I don't think the market is ready for it yet. +
sartep, Dec 17 2003

       The Brazilian Bidet, Brazilian Toupee, Brazilian Touché...The Mons Melee?
Tiger Lily, Dec 17 2003

       We have a winner!!
Tiger Lily, Dec 18 2003

       "Mr. Hyde--you monster!"
Tiger Lily, Dec 18 2003

       oh the delight of the image - + from me for the detail & the visual
seedy em, Dec 18 2003

       uh....wow. :) i have so many thoughts, and not enough words. overall i like the idea.
babyhawk, Dec 18 2003

       If you had a balloon, four toothpaste tube tops and a cork, you could make a papier mache piggy bank using this.
squeak, Dec 19 2003

       You ask that question to a very creative audience, UnaBubba ... I could think of a few myself
Letsbuildafort, Dec 23 2003


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