Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Fair Usage Toilet Paper Alarm

  [vote for,

Guests are all very well … but there are limits. And some need to be made clear more than others.

For those who suffer from inconsiderate guests, BorgCo are now able to offer a means to curb the gratuitous over-use of toilet paper by visitors.

Simply replace your toilet roll holder by the new BorgCo device, insert a roll, set the desired parameters, and then let the machine do the work.

When a reasonable amount of paper is extracted, monitored by a quadrature optical shaft encoder, nothing happens, but as the first preset limit is reached the holder beeps quietly and a red LED flashes. If the guest continues unrolling, then a much louder beep sounds, and the LED becomes constant. Take just a little more paper, and the unit starts to yell loudly, "HOW MUCH DAMN PAPER DO YOU NEED, YOU WASTEFUL SOD ? BUY YOUR OWN ! ARE YOU STEALING IT FOR HAMSTER BEDDING, OR TRYING TO BLOCK THE WC WITH IT ?". The mechanism also locks the spindle to stop any further paper consumption.

A passive infrared sensor ensures that the room must be vacated for at least one minute (user- programmable delay) before the latch releases.

The unit is quite expensive, but pays for itself in no time if there's a serial unroller in your home.

8th of 7, Dec 19 2013


       I find that whole idea interesting and plausible...until we get to the part where you have visitors.
not_morrison_rm, Dec 19 2013

       We don't have visitors. Whatever gave you that idea ?   

       Just because someone bakes cakes doesn't mean they actually eat cakes. Someone who mends cars might not drive them.
8th of 7, Dec 19 2013

       A coin-fed meter, 10p per sheet?
pocmloc, Dec 20 2013

       I`m sure there`s an addon for a 3D printer, so it could print paper. Presumably the guest would kind of lose patience waiting for the second sheet to be knocked out?
not_morrison_rm, Dec 20 2013

       So I need to find some research on this subject, as it's becoming more common reference lately.   

       Yesterday I caught an ad for a toilet tissue make that claims to dissolve better than other brands, and they said this was good "for those who use more". And I wondered, is that me? Am I the target market? For those who use more than... what amount?   

       I realized I have no idea how much asswipe other people use, it's not something that comes up around the dinner table much. Do people use one or two squares? Great bunched up handfuls? Looping swirls prepared by draping about the neck?   

       It makes sense that the toilet tissue companies know this, with their market research and sales figures and the like. But how do I as a toilet product consumer know? I'm concerned about being in this "use more" category, because maybe I need this new fast dissolving tissue. Maybe I am the problem and never knew it all this time.   

       But I don't want to buy it only to discover that I actually use less than most. How can I ever know? What if I discover that the entire world has only been using a couple of squares here and there and I am responsible for the overwhelming majority of toilet paper use in my community? What if I find out the opposite? What if I'm a "serial unroller"? If I have been doing it horribly wrong all this time and no one ever told me, no one ever gave me the chance to make it right?   

       This new uncertainty has filled me with angst and provided no way to find relief.
tatterdemalion, Dec 20 2013

       <temporarily jams the mechanism while turning the toilet paper roll over before returning to the taco fest>
FlyingToaster, Dec 20 2013

       // I realized I have no idea how much asswipe other people use, it's not something that comes up around the dinner table much //   

       What strange dinner parties you must attend.   

       // This new uncertainly has filled me with angst and provided no way to find relief //   

       Our work here is done …   

       <Wanders away, gloating>
8th of 7, Dec 20 2013

       3. One up, one down, and one to polish.
pocmloc, Dec 20 2013

       A single length of non-dissolving toilet paper (cloth actually) would solve this problem. After use, the "paper" simply retracts into the dispenser where it is washed, dried, and awaits the next guest.
swimswim, Dec 20 2013

       // Our work here is done …   

       Ah but the worry existed before your idea, which is just another cultural indicator.   

       Does your device come with recommended parameters? How does it behave 'out of the box' - is there a factory default setting, and if so how was it determined?
tatterdemalion, Dec 20 2013

       // Does your device come with recommended parameters? //   

       Of ccourse   

       // How does it behave 'out of the box' //   

       Cruelly, and without pity.   

       // is there a factory default setting //   

       Oh yesssss …   

       // and if so how was it determined? //   

       By evaluation and detailed operational analysis of the behaviour of the Imperial Japanese Armed Forces between 1936 and 1945, with special reference to their treatment of civillains in occupied territories, and captured combatants.   

       It ain't pretty.
8th of 7, Dec 20 2013

       //This new uncertainly has filled me with angst and provided no way to find relief.//   

       According to Kimberley-Clark, the average Briton uses 1.3 metres of a standard (non-quilted, 2-ply) toilet tissue after defaecating. The average North American uses 1.5 metres, the average Frenchman (or woman) a meagre 0.8 metres, and the average German 1.8 metres. Why this difference should exist, nobody knows.   

       Figures from the same company show that the average female Briton uses just 0.4 metres after urinating; the average North American uses 1.1m; the average Frenchwoman 0.5m and the average Germaness 0.9m. Strangely, the average German male uses 0.1m after urinating, which makes me wonder if I've been doing it right.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 20 2013

       No, I don't think you did. Would you like to? The floor is yours.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 20 2013

       Thank you for the reassurance [MaxwellBuchanan], my butt feels strangely Teutonic now. However I have poor estimation abilities and so I will nail a yardstick to the bathroom wall and hang a journal next to it.   

       // I use 3, folded in such a way that each side of each square gets used.   

       [21 Quest] like a Jacob's Ladder toy? Having trouble with the math on this.
tatterdemalion, Dec 21 2013

       [swim] that is disgusting   

       [8th] you have a black little heart. As for the idea [+]
Voice, Dec 21 2013

       // you have a black little heart //   

8th of 7, Dec 21 2013

       // You see, you use one side then the other   

       How are you holding the square when you use the other side without getting fecal matter from the first side all over your hands?
tatterdemalion, Dec 21 2013

       // soul //   

       Soul ? What is this "soul" of which you Hu- mons speak? Your words are strange to us. We know nothing of "soul".
8th of 7, Dec 21 2013

       It's worse than I thought. All this time I believed the idea was to not get shit on your hands.   

       I have to re-evaluate everything now.
tatterdemalion, Dec 21 2013

       <gleeful demonic cackling>
8th of 7, Dec 21 2013

       This question is decidedly similar to 'How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.'   

       The world may never know.
RayfordSteele, Dec 21 2013


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