Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Coughing cigarette packet

Are you listening ?
  (+4, -1)
(+4, -1)
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A standardised mandatory cigarette packet made of tough plastic. Contains 20 cigarettes, a coin cell battery, and a piezo speaker. Designed so that attempting to open it results in damage or destruction of the contents.

To get a cigarette, press the button and hold it. The chip plays a 2-minute recording of a smoker's bronchitic coughing fit. Then the latch releases and a single cigarette is ejected.

Next time, get a recording of a small child reciting how they miss their parent who died of ling cancer/heart disease/stroke.

Financed by just increasing the price of cigarettes.

8th of 7, Nov 27 2013


       Ling cancer? I haven't seen [Ling] around in a while, but what a horrible thought. Not cool, man.
Custardguts, Nov 27 2013

       Oops … that should of course be "lint cancer" (very nasty).
8th of 7, Nov 27 2013

       Yes - I can see that this is an excellent idea.   

       Of course, it's possible that people would just buy regular cigarettes in regular packs, pausing only to give you a cheery "fuck you" as they left.
MaxwellBuchanan, Nov 28 2013

       No, these are the ONLY type of pack in which tobacco products can be purchased.
8th of 7, Nov 28 2013

       Ah, right - increased government intervention regarding the permitted arrangements of commonly available atoms.   

       Another excellent idea from the hegemonizing smarm.   

       Well, I suspect that many people would be tempted to merely reiterate their earlier comment of "fuck you", possibly adding "you miserable immature microediting cunt". Naturally, I would not condone such an outburst, but I could understand why some uncharitable individuals might utter it.   

       [EDIT] on second thoughts, I take that back and apologize. What I actually meant was "you miserable _mean-spirited_ microediting cunt." And shame on anyone who would say such a thing.
MaxwellBuchanan, Nov 28 2013

       Hey, are you implying we're miserable ? We're definitely not miserable.   

       The rest of your comments could perhaps have been a little more tactfully phrased …
8th of 7, Nov 28 2013

       Rest assured, they are not my comments. I am merely attempting to forewarn you of the likely response of the 35% of the world's adult population who, most unreasonably, seek to enjoy something which is pleasurable but dangerous.   

       I know from my long first-hand experience of the 'borg that they are quite rightly opposed to any expression of freedom of choice which carries any risk, and that they (it?) have only the most benign concern for our well-being - amusingly disguised as a desire to punish transgressors in various ways. That is why I, personally, am so supportive of yet another attempt to force us all to be smiley happy and, above all Safe 'n' Secure human beings.   

       There are those, of course, who will argue that this idea is rather childish and yet, at the same time, paradoxically, nannyish.   

       There are yet others who might say that this idea is obvious and required little or no mental effort to create - it being along the same lines as "put explosives in cigarettes", "add nerve gas to every tenth bottle of wine or spirits" or "put big metal needles in jam doughnuts".   

       I, of course, pooh-pooh any such suggestions. But you need to be aware that such a reaction may be forthcoming from a large proportion of the relaxed, easy-going masses who get out and have some sort of social life.
MaxwellBuchanan, Nov 29 2013

       //"put explosives in cigarettes"   

       Not a lot of point really.   

       Look, if everyone in the UK gave up smoking today, it would be a disaster for the NHS. It would still be forking out on cancer treatments for the next half century or so, but without the 8% over and above that smokers contribute.   

       //2-minute recording of a smoker's bronchitic coughing fit   

       I can do that already, what do I need the machine for?   

       <reaches for the oxygen mask>
not_morrison_rm, Nov 29 2013


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