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Dr. Bahama - Father of Modern Vegetarian Rhinoplasty

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The nobleman hesitates. His cloak is wrapped tightly around himself.

"What is your business?" asks Doctor Bahama.

"I shall remove my cloak and you shall see for yourself" The nobleman does so. His features are well formed, pale and smooth - except for his nose. Large, shining and silver it is attached by two ribbons that tie across the tops of his ears and around the back of his head. "Now do you need to ask my business?"

"No sir. It is your nose that is worrying you. I have seen the same thing many times. You lost it in battle?"

"In a sword fight three years ago. I would rather have been killed I assure you sir, than lose my nose. I have tried everything to get it back - lotions, herbs, ointments, spells. Nothing is of use - I still have no nose, you must help me."

Dr Bahama nods his head, but says nothing

"I have heard of your skill as a surgeon, and I have travelled far to see you. You must help me. I am rich . . "

Dr Bahama interrupts him, "Wealth means little to me. What is wrong with your silver nose? It is a very handsome piece of work."

"I wear it only to cover the wound. But I am a laughing stock. I am forced to stay in until daylight fades, so fools in the street cannot see me and make jest at my expense. The ladies look upon me as a figure of fun. And when I sneeze it is disastrous - the nose slips about like a ship on a rough sea"

"Remove the silver nose my friend - I shall examine"

It was at that exact moment that the number 65 bus arrived, and both gentlemen boarded. When the bus terminated at the depot, the nobleman had a new nose carved entirely out of firm tofu. The other passengers applauded and cheered, heralding Dr. Bahama as the father of modern vegetarian rhinoplasty.

benfrost, Feb 02 2005

tycho brahe's nose and the story of his drunken moose http://www.nada.kth...red/tycho/nose.html
[benfrost, Feb 02 2005]

Blackjack http://www.amazon.c...202-9411063-4622225
Surgery on the move. [DrBob, Feb 03 2005]

(?) Gogol's "The Nose" http://h42day.100me...sia/gogol/nose.html
The story of a russian apparatchik who loses his nose, but mainly the story of the nose's adventures introducing itself to Russian society. [wagster, Feb 03 2005]

Illustrations for "The Nose" http://www.macalest...nose1inch/nose.html
You really should read the story, but I appreciate that many of you will not have time - so here's the piccys [wagster, Feb 03 2005]


       It seems like sneezing would still be a problem.   

       For darker skin tones, does he saute the tofu in soy sauce first?
robinism, Feb 02 2005

       Wouldn't it start to smell after a while?
tiromancer, Feb 02 2005

       Sometimes I'm grateful for the fact that you live on the other side of the continent to myself, [benfrost].
Detly, Feb 02 2005

       I'm a firm fan of Dr. Bahama, though some consider the use of carrots, turnips and other root vegetables as the most original vegetarian nose-substitution devices.
zen_tom, Feb 02 2005

       Well pointed out zen_tom - few know the genius of Dr. Bahama and his influence on the humanitarian and non-animal product plastic surgery industry of today. It is recorded that early in his illustrious career, spanning years - and many bus trips - root vegetables were not his only experiments in vegetarian rhinoplasty.   

       His moulds, pressed entirely from lentils in the shape of the human proboscis, were a success amongst the Swedish aristocracy at the time.   

       His move to root vegetables was prompted by the well publicised incident when Prince Helmut of Finland, lost his 'vegi - nose' (and accompanying Tahini Moustache) during his wedding ceremony much to the consternation of the Queen and King (both stern meat eaters).   

       It seems that the hommous adhesive paste Dr. Bahama thought he had perfected, was in fact faulty and so he moved directly to the turnip - and the rest is as they say, history.
benfrost, Feb 02 2005

       The concept of itinerant clinicians worries me somewhat - how will I recognise a true proctologist, and not just some vagrant with a tube of K-Y?
Also, trying to imagine a snout moulded from lentils. WC Field springs to mind.
AbsintheWithoutLeave, Feb 02 2005

       Just trust me, [Absinthe].
Detly, Feb 02 2005

       Just ask Michael Jackson if Dr. Bahama's claims are true. Dr. Bahama's patients would thumb their noses at him, if they could. They call him Dr. Jamaica-me-sick.
robinism, Feb 02 2005

       I practice various methods of alternative rhinoplasty techniques myself (though I prefer trains to busses), and have tried Dr Bahama's hommous adhesive on a number of occasions. While providing unequalled vegetarian bonding, it's performance fails under more arid climates. Prompted by this, I and am currently developing a guacamole formula for just these conditions.
zen_tom, Feb 02 2005

       Guacamole - yes an interesting composition found in many Mayan texts, a firm and dependant adhesive and perfect if not for its unsightly green colouring.   

       [AbsintheWithoutLeave] - you will know the good doctor immediately. He wears his hat at a rakish angle, and his rake at a hatt-ish angle. This often causes difficulty getting on and off buses, but is to be expected from genius.
benfrost, Feb 02 2005

       mayonaise? who ever heard of mayonaise as a nose adhesive.
benfrost, Feb 03 2005

       The very best organic adhesive is milk and breakfast cereal, left out all day, though I've only seen it tested on ceramics. It is probably up there with tungsten carbide for hardness too.
AbsintheWithoutLeave, Feb 03 2005

       What happened to good ol' saliva as an adhesive? But if it's food you want, may I suggest garlic paste? That would be perfect for rhinoplasty.
Machiavelli, Feb 03 2005

       Perfect, if a bit smelly - not that that would cause much of a problem for the patient.
zen_tom, Feb 03 2005

       Anyone who is interested in life without noses and what noses get up to when they're not on your face should read "The Nose" by Gogol. (link)
wagster, Feb 04 2005


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