Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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English Channel Dwy

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The English Channel has turned out to be of great benefit to both England and France since the day we dug it. For millennia, it has served to protect us from invasion by any nation that chooses to head north after conquering France.

More recently, it has allowed us to purchase cheap wine and cigarettes at duty-free prices, doubtless stimulating the French economy. Were it not for 20 miles of water, the border between our two nations would probably be no more than a token line, with no duty-free trade across it.

Which brings me (metaphorically only, thank gods) to Wales. The problem with Wales (apart from the Welsh) is that it isn't really a proper country, lacking its own identity (and indeed vowels). It's basically the left-hand part of England, much like England Proper apart from the rain and all those hills and slate. As a result, neither Wales nor England has never had the opportunity benefit properly from trans-border trade.

I therefore put it to you that both countries would benefit from the construction of a substantial body of water between them. The English Channel Dwy would start just to the east of Liverpool, running southwards roughly along the existing English-Welsh border. A few concessions would have to be made to topography, but Wales would not lose more than a few hundred square miles.

Once the Channel Dwy is finished and Wales is a proper country, a lucrative trade can be established running ferries. It may even be possible to dig a Chunnel Dwy underneath it - indeed, the Welsh are basically a subterranean nation who would relish the prospect of mining that actually served a purpose.

The Channel Dwy would also, of course, create additional coastline. The existing Welsh coast is actually rather agreeable as a place to own a holiday cottage, but it is of course located entirely on the wrong side of Wales. The Channel Dwy would create an attractive coastline closer to home for Englishmen.

In short, I can see no possible argument against the construction of the English Channel Dwy, and recommend that work be put in hand without delay.

MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 09 2013

Offa's Dyke http://en.m.wikiped...fa's_Dyke#section_1
For some reason, the digging of the English Channel was more successful than this one. [Ling, Feb 10 2013]

New South Wales http://www.youtube....watch?v=13RhSc-DaOI
[ytk, Feb 12 2013]


       Wales! Twinned with coal. A nice place to visit, a great place to leave. Should I add more?
xenzag, Feb 09 2013

       More Wales, or more more?
MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 09 2013

       Wales.... Sounds like wails for a good reason.   

       Of course, don't get me started on Ireland (which used to be called Mireland) or Scotland (which should be called Scrotaland)
xenzag, Feb 09 2013

       // chooses to head north //   

       Or North West, or West ...   

       This is the Germans, isn't it ? No need to be coy ...   

       // left-hand //   

       Sp. "left-over"   

       // neither Wales nor England has never had the opportunity benefit properly from trans-border trade //   

       Not entirely correct. England has purchased coal, iron ore, and a ready supply of dim-witted taffs to send to fight The King's (or Queen's) Enemies in hot places far away and largely get killed in the process, and in return the welsh have received technology transfer benefits, like flint-knapping and the technique of predicting rain by looking at the sky.   

       // subterranean //   

       Sp. "Troglodytic"   

       It's not strictly true, it's just that their super-prominent Neandethalic eyebrow ridges and untonsured locks make it seem to them that they live in perpetual twilight, and lacking an understanding of fire they have no access to artificial light sources.   

       // In short, I can see no possible argument against the construction of the English Channel Dwy, and recommend that work be put in hand without delay. //   


       "Hear ! Hear !"   


       Your Peerage is hereby set aside, and you are now officially a Living God.
8th of 7, Feb 09 2013

       //Not entirely correct. England has purchased...//   

       Ah, but for many decades we have had to trade with the Welsh using English pounds, which is ridiculous. If they were properly partitioned, they would probably revert to their ancient currency of slate chips - far more affwyrdbl, isn't it?   

       p.s. what's the tax position for gods?
MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 09 2013

       I dunno. You Brits haven't been doing so hot with the overseas territories lately. Looking at a map of the British Empire as of the turn of the 20th century, and seeing as now you're down to, what, the Falklands and the Caymans? So you've gone from one-fifth of the world population to a ruling over a bunch of penguins and shady bankers in under a century—and you even lost fully THREE-QUARTERS of Ireland to boot.   

       My guess is as soon as Wales is no longer physically connected to England proper, you'll be tempted to trade it for a particularly nice Cornish pasty or something. True, you'd be getting the better half of the deal with that one, but then where does that leave the rest of the world? An autonomous Wales?! I shudder to think.   

       No, I'm sorry, but we Yanks simply can't allow you to proceed with this idea, and we'll have to commence the standard diplomatic negotiations to head this little plan off. Expect our ICBMs shortly should we detect heavy equipment moving towards Gloucester.
ytk, Feb 10 2013

       If you "maintain" the English Channel Dwy properly, you can gradually make it wider and wider to the west, until all the Welsh are packed into Pembrokeshire and lemming into the sea.
baconbrain, Feb 10 2013

       Heh, I just noticed that the U.K. is apparently fractal. Wales looks like a little version of Great Britain, and Pembrokeshire looks like a little version of Wales.
ytk, Feb 10 2013

       Sp //east of Liverpool//   

       East of Blackpool.   

Ling, Feb 10 2013

       //since we dug it// ha ha ha ha ha ha...
po, Feb 10 2013

       //and you even lost fully THREE-QUARTERS of Ireland to boot.   

       you say that like it's a bad thing. They wanted to be independant, they are. Sounds reasonable to me.   

       Anyway the obvious flaw in getting rid of foreigners/Wales/whatever group is then the only people the English could hate is themselves...
not_morrison_rm, Feb 10 2013

       We did take the precaution of inventing Swindon for that purpose.
MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 10 2013

       Excellent! You can be CEO or CTO on this. I'm thinking we can recruit [8th] for public relations, maybe [Ubie] as CSE and [Beanie] on marketing.
MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 10 2013

       So, is it to throw Prince Charlie's bonnie arse in a rowboat an' make 'im go take up residence?   

       //the only people the English could hate is themselves// - I think they've been at that for a while. Most of the UK geography I know, I have learned here at the 'bakery; and I think almost every place name on those said Isles which has been mentioned here has been in conjunction with an insult. Excepting, of course, pub names.
lurch, Feb 10 2013

       OK, so someone has to say what a Dwy is. Google says something about operating a vehicle while vomiting, and I sense that is not the meaning here.
tatterdemalion, Feb 10 2013

       // every place name on those said Isles which has been mentioned here has been in conjunction with an insult //   

       The thing about England is that you can't go far in any direction until you hit either the sea or Scotland, which is very much like the sea in that it has always been there and has no plans of not being there anytime soon and there's not a bloody thing you can do about it, they just keep running out of the hills screaming incomprehensible oaths and chopping about with those giant swords they're so proud of.   

       Er... Anyhow, England is a place where you can't go far before you've been almost everywhere, so when somebody says "I mean, it was like a trip to _____inghampshirestoke!" you know what they mean contextually because you've either been there yourself or know sixteen people who have and are related to five of them. That combined with several hundred years of drizzle and self-loathing has reduced a great deal of their referential humor to a geographical in-joke.
Alterother, Feb 10 2013

       //someone has to say what a Dwy is// It is Wylsh for "two", isn't it now boyo.
MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 10 2013

       The Bristol Channel makes a good start - how about digging a big old trench, ostensibly as a great civil engineering "canal" project, that could be repurposed later on.
zen_tom, Feb 11 2013

       That's a great point that not_morrison_rm makes regarding hate by the English. At present, the UK's nation-agglomorate nature allows the English to express their cosy John Bull xenophobia within the borders of the UK, and this unpleasant attitude doesn't seep out to stink up the wider world's view of the UK (specifically, the Queen sitting in the castle drinking tea with a Beefeater who has bad teeth and a drawstring lightswitch in his lavatory). If we bring about physical & political separation between E, S, W & NI then the relfexive attitude of the English towards S, W & NI changes from being disguised as a sort of chummy pan-British self-deprecation to being much more obviously no better and no different than any of England's other petty, unreciprocated rivalries. Yes, just as you make excuses for the socially inept friend because you are fearful what might happen to them if they were left to go it alone, it is important therefore that S, W & NI do what is morally right by the people of England, and remain within the Union.
calum, Feb 11 2013

       Given how must they seem to hate the rest of its nations, I've sometimes wondered why the English don't just secede from the United Kingdom. It's certainly clear up those pesky 'can an independant Scotland automatically join the EU' questions. Scotland could keep the UK's EU membership, and England could keep the xenophobia and euroscepticism in relative peace. Sort of like Switzerland, only without the neutrality, riches, and truly alarming border defenses.
gisho, Feb 11 2013

       Yeah, it's hard to trust an armed neutral.   

       "I have a very large gun, but I will not shoot anyone with it."   

       "How can I trust that?"   

       "I just told you: I'm not going to shoot anyone. You can trust me."   

       "Then what is the gun for?"   

       "It's for shooting people."   

       "But you're not going to do that."   



       "Why not?"
Alterother, Feb 11 2013

       Not surprising, no, but still alarming. They have bridges wired to collapse onto potential invading armies. I certainly wouldn't want to give it a go ...
gisho, Feb 11 2013

       //bridges wired to collapse onto potential invading armies.// So do some other countries, it's just that the Swiss are methodical and don't appreciate the novelty of surprise.
MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 11 2013

       [gisho] is onto something here. You could have the UK of NI, S, W, and maybe even I would want to join in at that point, although they would still be required to fight NI for old time's sake. Not certain how the church would align...
RayfordSteele, Feb 11 2013

       Perpendicular to common sense would seem most likely.
Alterother, Feb 11 2013

       I think I've got this one figured out. Shortly after completion of "English Channel Dwy", I suspect that work will begin on "Hadrian's Channel". Following successful conclusion of these works, the North Sea, Irish Sea, English Channel Dwy and English Channel Mk1 will form a continuous body of water. MaxCo will propose that the individual names of these bodies of water are no longer appropriate. Instead a single name "Max's Massive Moat" will be substituted. Concomitantly, the 60 million or so within the confines of this moat will find themselves accused of "blatant and persistent trespassing" and invited to "leave quickly and quietly" or "meet the dogs".   

       On the plus side, Wales, Scotland and France will find that they get a significant boost in the standards of spoken English in response to the refugee crisis/trespasser ejection.
bs0u0155, Feb 11 2013

       //The problem with Wales (apart from the Welsh) is that it isn't really a proper country, lacking its own identity //

Longshanks would be proud of you. The thing is though, without the help of Welsh technology we wouldn't have been able to sustain our hostility against France for nearly so long. -
DrBob, Feb 11 2013

       Nor without Welsh complicity with the French and Spaniards. Hell, the Welsh word for Wales is actually Arabic in origin, from when they used to be pals with the Moors.
UnaBubba, Feb 11 2013

       //continuous contiguous?   

       In the same way that the UK is unable to deport all foreigners, as there would only be British food left to eat.   

       Which is roughly parallel with the use of illegal immigrant Mexican workers in the US. Whoever does benefit from this cheap labour would have to start paying real wages and it would create inflation in the economy.
not_morrison_rm, Feb 12 2013

       Maybe work backwards from Z. All Zimbabwean restaurants to go, first. Closely followed by Welsh restaurants.   

       Chinese, and Chips quite safe.
Ling, Feb 12 2013

       The Welsh do have some admirers - Australians are such admirers of South Wales that they named a significant portion of their country after it.
hippo, Feb 12 2013

       I think they were admiring the Welsh for not following them to Australia.
MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 12 2013

       // Australians are such admirers of South Wales that they named a significant portion of their country after it// or Australians demonstrated how simple it was to improve upon the original, even starting with a section of the world where everything is poisonous.   

       *However, the old Jersey remains entirely superior to the New Version, that's Americans for you. Bigger and worse.
bs0u0155, Feb 12 2013

       <blink font>New</bf> Orleans, however, seems like a toss-up.
RayfordSteele, Feb 12 2013

       “What news, Number One?   

       The Lord has delivered us to a truly wondrous land! Lush subtropical plans stretch as far as the eye can see. It's ninety degrees in the shade even though it's November. There are herds of seven foot tall two legged creatures bouncing across the landscape at tremendous speeds.   

       Yes. Do you know what it reminds me of? Wales.   

       Wales? Really, sir?   

       Yes. Don't you think?   

       What, the vast terra incognita with flora and fauna hitherto undreamt of by science puts you in mind of nothing so much as Rhyl?”
ytk, Feb 12 2013

       //There are herds of seven foot tall two legged creatures bouncing across the landscape at tremendous speeds//   

       A pretty accurate description of the Wales Rugby team.
bs0u0155, Feb 12 2013

       [ytk], you get my Annotation of the Week Award. Sadly, it carries no financial (or indeed certificatorial) element, but it is yours. If you have access to a safety pin, cardboard and some coloured pens, you are entitled to make an Annotation of the Week Award badge.
MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 12 2013

       I wish I could accept the hono(u)r, but that bit is from a sketch by Mitchell and Webb. (link)
ytk, Feb 12 2013

       Ah well. Have the award anyway - I didn't know it.
MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 12 2013

       When somewhere gets named New Milton Keynes, truly the last days of the human race are at hand.   

       Anyway, I still prefer Inaccessible Island and Cape Disappointment. Huzzah for honest cartographers.
not_morrison_rm, Feb 13 2013

       IT got the name because the coast is a little similar to South Wales, in that there are hundreds of miles of dangerous, big, fuckoff cliffs facing the ocean there.   

       After that, the similarity ends. New South Wales has sunshine, dry ground and plenty of trees, unlike South Wales. (It's also full of whiny cunts and drug-dealing bikie gangs, nowadays.)
UnaBubba, Feb 13 2013

       Sounds like southern Maine, in that respect. We've got a whole north/south prejudice thing going here. Mainers from the northern half of the state and the Downeast region scorn southern Mainers because they're not 'real Mainers', and southern Mainers scorn us northerners because we have a nasty habit of making the reasonable assumption that they're cathinone-snorting criminals and shooting them on sight. But don't worry, we're still quite freindly to outsiders.
Alterother, Feb 13 2013

       I met that guy when I was down in the glades in 1999. Come to think of it, I also met him in Yorkshire, and I ran into him down the store the other day.   

       Our internal North vs. South vs. Downeast thing isn't our only grudge, mind you. As a state, we collectively regard our western neighbor with sneering condescension, and of course we have our own private term for residents of the Union's sixth state.
Alterother, Feb 13 2013

       Here in the states where it takes more than an hour's jog or so to get from one side or the other, we see the smaller states' fiefdom pissing contests as quaint, like hamsters defending their comfy spot in the cage.
RayfordSteele, Feb 13 2013

       ^ As we Canadians smugly observe the goings-on in that smaller country to the south.
AusCan531, Feb 13 2013

       Indeed, you like to observe closely as most of Canada lives within about 5 feet of the border...
RayfordSteele, Feb 14 2013

       // the states where it takes more than an hour's jog or so to get from one side or the other //   

       Maine is geographically quite large for an East Coast state, actually. An hour's jog around here will only get you lost in the woods. Anyway, we have the comfy spot; it's all these other, smaller, whinier hampsters that have their noses out of joint.
Alterother, Feb 14 2013

       //Indeed, you like to observe closely as most of Canada lives within about 5 feet of the border//   

       True, true. The same as most of Australia lives within 5 feet of the ocean. Its great fun to watch and occasionally visit - but you wouldn't want to build your house or raise your children in it.
AusCan531, Feb 14 2013

       Hmm, in the UK, if we all breath in at the same time, someone ends up in the sea.   

       There's probably a "you can breath in now" rota app in the works.
not_morrison_rm, Feb 16 2013


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