Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Fire escape shrub

  [vote for,

In a house fire, it often becomes necessary to jump from an upper window.

This can result in serious, sometimes fatal, injury.

Fire crews carry trampoline-like sheets for victims to jump into, or use ladders.

But sometimes there's no alternative to just jumping.

The prescient householder, however, will have invested in one of the new range of BorgCo fire escape shrubs. Simply plant your purchase according to the plans supplied, or place the tub appropriately.

Once the shrub is established it will be nothing more than another bit of anonymous garden greenery, but this is deceptive. Within the foliage is a hidden network of curved polymer tubes covered in closed-cell foam, and cross-linked by an elastic mesh. Thus, a human body falling onto the shrub from a vertical height of up to three metres will be effectively but firmly decelerated to a stop with a minimum of injury. There are no sharp points or edges in either the plant or the support structure, so there is no risk of impalement or cuts, only bruises.

The system is particularly recommended to those who, by virtue of their fascination with combustion and a predilection for carrying out dangerous and inadvisable experiments in an unsuitable domestic setting, resulting in the occasional outbreak of minor uncontained fires, may find themselves in need of an alternative escape route.

8th of 7, Oct 14 2017



       I am fairly certain that a judicious planting of certain natural shrubs could serve the same purpose.
MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 14 2017

       Yes, but we can't make any money out of that.
8th of 7, Oct 14 2017

       Au the contraire. Nobody knows what they're buying in a garden centre; all you need is to rebrand a suitable shrub with a name like 'Scadentifolia regis var. "Egress" ', and sell it at a huge markup.
MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 14 2017

       Can the natural shrub, when crushed, supply a burn balm?
wjt, Oct 15 2017

       Oh, 'allo, Vera; just thought I'd drop in. Any chance of a cup of tea- tree, known for its mildly antiseptic qualites?
pertinax, Oct 15 2017

       <contemplates risk of another flora-themed punfest>   

       <decides to put [pert]'s name down for a kicking>
8th of 7, Oct 15 2017

       Oh [8th], you know you were pining for one.
normzone, Oct 15 2017

       He'll have to spruce up his ideas if he wants to engage in a pun-fest. The scope of his horticultural knowledge is not wide-ranging enough. In fact, it has 0 range.
MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 15 2017

       Fir heaven's sake, not that old Chestnut ...
8th of 7, Oct 15 2017

       What happens if the shrub catches fire?
xenzag, Oct 15 2017

       Recursion, down a vegetable asymptote.
pertinax, Oct 15 2017

       You're just going off at a tangent ...
8th of 7, Oct 16 2017

       A pun-fest eh? Thistle teach 'em! Lettuce see what this pear get up to! If you thought fish puns made you feel sick, these will make you sycamore...
hippo, Oct 16 2017

       You just reminded me that The Guardian once featured one of my tree puns in the "notes and queries" section they used to publish. It was an answer to a reader's question: "Can trees get cancer?" My answer: "Yes, some can but they recover quite quickly at which point they are called sick-no-mores".
xenzag, Oct 16 2017

       Not "shoots first" then leaves? ha
xenzag, Oct 16 2017

       Oakay - lettuce be please.
normzone, Oct 16 2017

       I'm surprised so many bakers rose to this pun-challenge.
MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 16 2017


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