Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Fish Guillotine

(Not for the squeamish)
  (+5, -4)
(+5, -4)
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<proud father moment>So my two oldest sons each catch a fish from the creek this weekend in the mountains.</proud father moment>

<background>Now, I’ve cleaned many fish in my day. Growing up, I always helped my dad with the task. But we always seemed to drive somewhere, a lake or stream, often requiring a substantial hike, far from our campsite, so by the time we got back, the fish came out of the creel dead as toast. But my kids caught their fish right at the creek side campsite. So there I was, staring into the blank eyeballs of two wriggling fish, thinking to myself, well, do I wait for them to suffocate, and watch as they struggle and strain to suck oxygen from air in vain or what? So my oldest, age 12, took his fish and bashed its head several times on the campground picnic table. Its fin did one of these twitching deals for a minute and a half and then the fish went motionless. He put it out of its misery. It was a fine decision, for then I was able to cut and gut the thing while it was unconscious and wouldn’t feel it. But then my 10-year-old tried to do the same thing with his, and it proceeded to the twitching stage. It appeared to have the same effect. So I started cutting. I sliced its belly, anus to throat. I cut the jaw above the tongue and below the bone. Now it was time to thrust my thumb into the gap in the jaw and into the throat (this is how my dad taught me to do it – you rip from there and all the guts come out as one). As soon as I put my thumb down the throat the fish tried to swallow it. Awk. I have cleaned many fish this way and I had never had that happen. It was still alive, and I do believe still conscious throughout this ordeal. I leaped back and shrieked. It was horrible. It was just then this thought occurred to me:</background>

<idea>How about a device, into which the angler may insert the fish by the head, as a pencil into a sharpener, which would cleanly, humanely and conveniently, at the flip of a lever or switch, slice off the head of the fish in one swoop. Additionally, it could be designed to maintain a hold of the bone structure in the gills that you hold onto in the gutting process, so that it automatically pulls them (the guts) out with the head. Then all that is left for the fisherman to do is cut the belly and clean the insides (and clean the device, of course). Fast, painless, and convenient.</idea>

globaltourniquet, Jun 22 2001

Electronic solution to the same problem http://www.halfbake...Electronic_20Priest
Don't stop now, I'm saving up for Product: Fish Killing Device... [jutta, Jun 22 2001]

Electroshock fishing net http://164.195.100....um.htm&r=0&f=S&l=50
Link to US patent server, pat no 4839980 [Dog Ed, Jun 22 2001, last modified Oct 05 2004]

Is It Really A Fish? http://www.halfbake...eally_20A_20Fish_3f
The Fish Guillotine Game [benfrost, Jun 22 2001]


       One brown trout, one rainbow trout. The difference is minute, of course. A crude version of such a device might be easy to homemake, save for the auto gutting feature. But it would be excellent to have a small-scale precision mechanism to do this. As for the upper lip over the back move, I haven't heard of that one. It sounds easier to talk about than to do. The suckers are slippery. But perhaps I'll try it next time.
globaltourniquet, Jun 22 2001

       As my dad would do (what its a big fish), always have with you a nice pipe or 'staff', in any strong material, prefered one that doesent rust. The pipe cant be bigger so that you can hit it betwean the eyes without still seeing where you are hitting, and not to long or to short, its up to you what you feel is the best length or widt.. When the fish is alive, just put it down on the ground.. W8 untill its quite still, and hit it betwean the eyes as hard as you can.. (repeat if nessisary, mostly isent.)
Cretah, Jun 23 2001

       The problem I always have with waugsqueke's fine traditional method is that the spine goes *crunch* and the fish's eyes bug out as it quivers spastically. (I hate that, I am *such* a wuss.) A hatchet would guillotine a fish nicely, but watch your fingers. Or...you could investigate the Electroshock Fishing Net (see link).
Dog Ed, Jun 23 2001

       Blindfold 'em, stick a cig in their mouth, and shoot 'em.
melanerpes, Jun 23 2001

       Why not just use a big knife?
angel, Jun 23 2001

       Oh, just bite their heads off like everyone else.
Monkfish, Jun 23 2001

       You could always become a veg!
Legend, Jun 24 2001

       Or just quit eating fish.
arghblah, Jun 24 2001

       As you have a handy river nearby, why not drown them?
pmillerchip, Jun 25 2001

       A .22LR-sized (or smaller) blank on a hook. When the fish runs, the tension distorts the primer and <POW!> the blank goes off. The underwater pressure wave ends the fight in an instant, but isn't big enough to depopulate an entire riverbed or area of reef.   

       You have to carefully match the blank and hook size because there has to be enough fish left to stay on the hook.
FloridaManatee, Feb 12 2003

       Whoa. I'm a super-wuss myself, but I'm totally with you, Manatee. That is one of the sweetest ideas I've seen here; please post it up as such, to stand or fall on its own merit!
absterge, Jan 20 2005

       Big. Sharp. Knife.
squeak, Jan 20 2005

       As my wee brother says when asked if he's the salmon in his soulder-hefted binbag is wild, "it is when you hit it with a hammer."
calum, Jan 20 2005


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