Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Generic Startup Speech

Have a company that needs funding but you don't actually do anything yet?
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No problem. The below speech will pummel the audience's, investor's or trade show visitor's frontal lobes into a coma like trance allowing you to pull off the illusion that your company actually provides goods or services, or has an inkling of an idea of how to possibly do so in the future. The few people in the audience that might figure out you're just making random noises will be afraid to raise their hand to challenge you fearing that you might begin speaking again.

To begin with, spend as much time as possible thanking everybody you can think of. The people in the front row, the people putting on the trade show, the investors, the dishwashers in the cafeteria, etc. When people start yawning it's time to begin your speech.

"Our company seeks to implement scalable best practice business to business and business to consumer innovations to maximize mission critical return on investment based on core competency enabled enterprise solutions beyond best practices and leveraging next generation synergistic intermeshing of broad interdepartmental seamless integration. (breathe here) Our analytics seek to de-compartmentalize process capabilities to close the loop on upselling using a holistic approach to brand building fundamentals upgraded to 21st century substantiation to cast a wider net outside of our core-client centric strategy."

If anybody is awake at that point, start talking about the cloud.

Good luck, and see ya on Wall Street!

doctorremulac3, Mar 21 2015

If that doesn't work try this. https://www.youtube...watch?v=KMU0tzLwhbE
I like the part where he says developers. [doctorremulac3, Mar 21 2015]

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