Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Haggis Auto-Addresser

Delivers from kitchen, pipes in, addresses and stabs
  (+14, -2)(+14, -2)
(+14, -2)
  [vote for,

A known problem with Burns suppers is that the neaps and tatties go cold while the haggis is piped in, addressed, and served. This invention offers an alternatives to over-hot prewarmed plates.

A set of rails (I suggest O gauge) forms a gentle incline from kitchen to dining table. The haggis, mounted on a little railway wagon, rolls into the room. Notches filed in the rail heads produce a wailing bagpipe sound as it progresses.

When the trolley reaches the table, its motion is arrested by a buffer, This actuates a lever that starts a miniature cylinder player, running at double speed, which reads aloud the poem.

A bar protruding from the cylinder at the words "his knife" engages a lever that stabs downwards with a silver-mounted dirk, and then withdraws the knife again.

Finally, a turntable ejects the haggis onto an area where it may be safely sliced up and distributed to the hungry guests.

Fine tuning of the mechanism may result in a total time from kitchen to serving of less than 20 seconds.

pocmloc, Jan 23 2011

William McGonagall http://en.wikipedia.../William_McGonagall
"He won notoriety as an extremely bad poet ...." [8th of 7, Jan 23 2011]

The Tay Bridge Disaster http://www.mcgonaga...oems/pgdisaster.htm
Better than Burns! [DrBob, Jan 26 2011]

The Tay Bridge Disaster http://www.railways...mmary.php?docID=107
Report of the Court of enquiry. Significantly less funny than the Mcgonagle version. [8th of 7, Jan 24 2015]

How Robert Burns was used during World War One http://www.bbc.co.u...k-scotland-30904019
Definitely not the World's Funniest Joke. [8th of 7, Jan 25 2015]


       Oh, c'mon. "piped in" is too good to pass up. Instead of rails, you should use a pneumatic system.
mouseposture, Jan 23 2011

       I'm sure that 20 seconds could be improved upon. For example, if the dirk were hollow and fed with compressed air, the three elements of stabbing the haggis, playing the bagpipes and distributing the haggis to the expectant diners could be accomplished with one action.   

       However, [+] for anything which could shorten this embarrasing (and quite non-traditional) cultural peculiarity.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 23 2011

       would someone mind explaining this for the less cultured among us?
Voice, Jan 23 2011

       Certainly, [Voice]. Some time in about the 1970s (I may be slightly out on my dates), the Minister for Scottish Culture realized that he had nothing whatsoever to do, on account of there not actually being any Scottish culture to minister to. The closest they had was kilt-wearing, which was an idea they stole from the French.   

       Whitehall was put on the job, and in one fell swoop they devised a musical instrument (the bagpipe. Actually, I say "musical" but...); and a food item (the haggis. Again, although I say...anyway.) which were basically the same thing and which would, undoubtedly, be unique to Scotland.   

       They also devised a ritual, suitable for televising (but only once a year) involving a sharpened and bent butterknife (a "Dirk", named after the man who invented it) and a poem, in order to make the most out of the Haggis and the Bagpipes.   

       Finally, as with the kilts, they managed to fake up enough history for the Scots themselves to see this ritual as part of their "heritage". It's been going strong ever since.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 23 2011

       OK, you've told about the cast, but I'm not getting the ritual. Given the presence of the knife, and the bagpipe, I'm assuming that the customer is not intended to survive.   

       (Disclaimer - I associate bagpipes with death because the only time I ever hear them is at funerals. And even then only for people killed in the line of active duty - military, police, firemen, Spock - so it also seems to be a sign of severe bad luck.)
lurch, Jan 23 2011

       It's true that the customer seldom survives (a release for which they are grateful, by the time the end comes). However, the Dirk is used to disembowel the haggis, not the diner.   

       Originally, the ritual was conceived with an electric carving knife. However, given the consistency of haggis, this proved to be a rather unaesthetic process, and was replaced with the whole Dirk/disembowel malarkey.   

       In early versions, by the way, the Haggismaster wore a leather gimp-mask, but this was quickly realized to be a cultural faux-pas.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 23 2011

       Don't listen to [MB], [Voice]. He is freely mixing innaccuracies with fantasy (with the odd dangerous fact too). I think this might be jealousy at the Scottish faux Scottishness.   

       The whole Scottish no-culture thing is nonsense: the kilt-wearing, shortbread eating 'culture' though does date back to the "Waverley" novels by Walter Scott (specifically Waverley, Rob Roy, and The Heart of Midlothian) and does not really represent Robert Burn's peers and friends.   

       Anyway - at a Burns Supper (an event celebrating the Scots poet Robert Burns), it is traditional to eat haggis. When the haggis is cook and it is time to serve, it is usually brought in alongside a bagpiper and then the Burn's poem "{Toast} To A Haggis" is recited. About halfway through the poem, there is a line of:
"An cut you up wi ready slight,"
... at which point, the reciter stabs the haggis open (it usually 'pops' due to steam pressure inside). The haggis is then portioned and served.

       This malarky can take a little time and so this idea ias for an electro-mechanical system to spped the process up and get nice warm tasty haggis to guests.
Jinbish, Jan 23 2011

       Actually, Burns was French, and adopted Scotland only in later life. This explains his abysmal command of the English language.   

       Haggis, however, is definitely not French. It is, in fact, a Lancashire dish which migrated north as the glaciers retreated.   

       And also, [Jinbish] has forgotten two important parts of the modern Haggis ritual. One is to bury a sixpence in the Haggis during preparation; the lucky finder would then, customarily, yell "Ye'll nae take me alive!!" through tightly- clenched teeth, and flee from the room before the other diners could grab the Dirk and pursue him. The other is the drenching of the Haggis in brandy, after which it is lit. (Nowadays, most people simply serve it with brandy butter, which is not nearly as much fun.)
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 23 2011

       // playing the bagpipes //   

       An oxymoron is two ways; (a) they are a sonic weapon, not a musical instrument, and (b) no-one has ever learend to play them anyway.   

       // IPv6 Haggii next //   

       At the very least, the Address needs to be correctly phrased in HTML (Haggis Text Markup Language]   

       // Spock //   

       Ah, but he was regenerated ...   

       //command of the English language //   

       Sorry, did someone mention William Topaz McGonagall ... ?   

8th of 7, Jan 23 2011

       No no no, don't be ridiculous. Not nearly so authentic.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 23 2011

       //abysmal command of the English language//
Most of the inhabitants of the British Isles have the same problem...
The most comprehensible English is spoken in the central South Island of New Zealand, followed by the rest of NZ, and (rather distantly) by Canada and Australia. England itself is down with the USA and various parts of South East Asia as a place that can't speak English properly, if it all.
neutrinos_shadow, Jan 23 2011

       //"{Toast} To A Haggis"//   

       Conveniently ignoring the fact that Mr.Burns actually had a list of things that he owed to said Haggis.
Ling, Jan 24 2011

       Hope you don't mind if I take this post as being a wee beastie which purpose in life is to run around quoting R.Burns then stabbing anything vaguely haggis-shaped.
FlyingToaster, Jan 24 2011

       //So hang on, the entirety of Scottish culture is about as Scottish as Irish Coffee is Irish?// - no, Irish Coffee was actually invented in Ireland by an Irishman (at Shannon airport, which used to be the place where trans-Atlantic flights stopped to refuel). Also, Irish Coffee has the merit of having no bad poetry associated with it.
hippo, Jan 24 2011

       //to run around quoting R.Burns then stabbing anything vaguely haggis-shaped// Hmmm. I see the attraction. My invention was a little - shall we say- constrained, being railed to the table etc. An autonomous one would be an improvement. Perhaps it could digest the haggis juices to provide itself with fuel and power?
pocmloc, Jan 24 2011

       //The most comprehensible English is spoken in the central South Island of New Zealand//   

       "Foosh un' choops for the chooldren, dear?"
methinksnot, Jan 24 2011

       "Haggis Burns Toast"   

       Is that a newspaper headline, a recipe, or a safety warning ?
8th of 7, Jan 24 2011

       If haggis heat retention is the main concern, perhaps the auto-addresser could have a deep fat fryer atatched such that haggis portions can be scooped through a batter trough into the fryer to be spat (using tennis-ball-thrower technology) onto the plates of the party. Also, this makes it more Scotch.
calum, Jan 24 2011

       // more Scotch //   

       Thankyou, a treble Glenmorangie please.
8th of 7, Jan 24 2011

       //nice warm tasty haggis//   

       I'm sorry but this phrase does not seem to translate properly.
RayfordSteele, Jan 24 2011

       One thing I really don't understand is people who happily eat industrial sausages but think haggis is disGUSTing!!!
pocmloc, Jan 24 2011

       By Jove, chap, you have a happy face,
For A King of puddings.
Your ingredients are strange indeed.
And your legs would be rather strong if you had some.

       Hmmm... I think I prefer the original version.
Ling, Jan 24 2011

       ...for the fifth time I read *haggis hair dresser*!!
xandram, Jan 24 2011

       Oh come on ... the correct term is "Haggis hair STYLIST".   

8th of 7, Jan 24 2011

       Note sure about the haggis, but I am definitely jonesing for those neaps and tatties right now.
bungston, Jan 24 2011

       {Pops on his chalk-clogs and starts down Princes Street}
Dub, Jan 25 2011

       (got a laugh from that [8th]) thanks!! oh, and thanks for the correction! how silly of me....
xandram, Jan 25 2011

       //The whole idea is based on a false premise and would be greatly improved by the addition of a trebuchet.//   

       {adds to collection of widely re-usable annos}
pertinax, Jan 25 2011

       Has anyone ever tried making haggis in worn-out bagpipes
rcarty, Jan 26 2011

       The bagpipe is actually the carcass of a mature haggis.
FlyingToaster, Jan 26 2011

       Simply switch off DHCP and allow the haggis to self-assign an IP - I don't see what all the fuss is about.   

       Fair fa' your glaming USB,
Great chieftain o' the Aye-Pee!
Aboon them a' ye tak your pless,
While yer IPv6 address
As lang's my arm...

zen_tom, Jan 26 2011

Jinbish, Jan 26 2011

       <doffs bunnet>
pocmloc, Jan 26 2011

       // the carcass of a mature haggis //   

       Strictly speaking, it's the Pupa from which the imago Haggis hatches, but basically, yes.   

       The life cycle of the Haggis is not well understood by zoology, partly because of its reclusive lifestyle on the windswept, rainswept, hailswept slopes of remote Scottish mountains, partly because of its rarity through being hunted to the brink of extinction, but largely because no-one cares and so can't be bothered.
8th of 7, Jan 26 2011

       //the neaps and tatties go cold while the haggis is piped in//

The neaps & tatties aren't the only ones!
DrBob, Jan 27 2011

       Of course, a haggis with an internal segmentation,like an orange, with a serving dish that could rotate, powered by a small turbine connected to outlets of the bagpipes, would eventually spin fast enough to automatically distribute the haggis evenly around the room and do something to mute the volume of the bagpipes at the same time.   

       Special prizes could be given for catching the flung haggis portions in the mouth.
not_morrison_rm, Jan 29 2011

       // I suggest O gauge //   

       I think HO would be adequate for carrying plates, provided that speeds were kept reasonable.
Alx_xlA, Jan 31 2011

       I keep reading "Haggis Auto-Undresser".   

       I've tried haggis a few times. It's actually delicious.
spidermother, Jan 31 2011

       //Haggis Burns Toast// It's actually one of the rules in Caledonian Rock-paper-scissors.
coprocephalous, Jan 31 2011

       Haggis Burns Toast
Toast Chokes Burns
Burns addresses Haggis
DrBob, Jan 31 2011

       // Caledonian Rock-paper-scissors //   

       Intriguing. Our previousl understanding was that this version was specifically adapted to the Caledonian level of technical development and intellectual advancement, and was thus known simply as "Rock".
8th of 7, Jan 31 2011

       Burns addresses Haggis
Haggis grease makes caber slippery
Caber squashes Burns

This works as a traditional 3-object game. It could be expanded into a 5-object game (note - each object must be related to each other and in the 5-object game, each object will have two winning links and two losing links):

Burns addresses Haggis
Burns eats deep-fried Mars Bar
Haggis grease makes caber slippery
Haggis gives LochNessMonster indigestion
Caber squashes Burns
Caber is proven more nutritious than deep-fried Mars Bar
Deep-fried Mars Bar gives LochNessMonster heart disease
Deep-fried Mars Bar more popular menu choice than Haggis
LochNessMonster uses caber as toothpick
LochNessMonster sexually attracted to Burns
hippo, Jan 31 2011

       Showing one's hairy potter is a known hazard when caber tossing.
pocmloc, Jan 31 2011

       [bigsleep] oops - I've no idea what your annotation means, but the typo's corrected now...
hippo, Feb 01 2011

       oh yes - the perils of copy'n'paste
hippo, Feb 01 2011

       I hope you're all ready and willing for Sunday evening!
pocmloc, Jan 23 2015

       He may have been a halfbaker...   

       Oh! ill-fated Bridge of the Silv’ry Tay,
I must now conclude my lay
By telling the world fearlessly without the least dismay,
That your central girders would not have given way,
At least many sensible men do say,
Had they been supported on each side with buttresses,
At least many sensible men confesses,
For the stronger we our houses do build,
The less chance we have of being killed.
normzone, Jan 24 2015

       Actually, Sir Thomas Bouch was to a certain extent unfairly blamed for the Tay Bridge Disaster.   

       He wanted to build a twin-track bridge, but the North British Railway would only pay for a single track ;the wider bridge wouid have been significantly more stable.   

       The workmanship of the castings was inferior, and the iron of only an average grade, not "best". Further, the maintenance of the bridge structure was entrusted to an honest, diligent but inappropriately experienced man.   

       Add to that the fact that the initial data supplied on the river bed geology was wildly inaccurate, and a collapse was more or less inevitable.   

       It's all in the report <link>
8th of 7, Jan 24 2015

       I think reading Robert Burns at the enemy, however cruel and barbaric they might be, should be outlawed under the Hague or Geneva Conventions.
There's just no call for that sort of thing in warfare - it's ungentlemanly.
AbsintheWithoutLeave, Apr 20 2015

       What sort of thing, the conventions, you mean?
pocmloc, Apr 20 2015

       He who pays the piper generally chucks in an extra few quid to get him to stop playing.
not_morrison_rm, Apr 20 2015

       // chucks in an extra few quid //   

       ... or for preference, a fragmentation grenade.
8th of 7, Apr 21 2015


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