Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
h a l f b a k e r y
Replace "light" with "sausages" and this may work...

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Heavenly Justice

Because the current entrance requirements are unneccessarily vague.
  (+9, -2)
(+9, -2)
  [vote for,

I’ve been a good boy mostly, and I’m hoping to go to heaven when I die. Unfortunately there are no guarantees on this score, I may have been worshipping the wrong deity or not worshipping the right one well enough. There’s a chance that I won’t have chanted the right chants/died in the correct manner/worn the right hat to be eligible for my seat on a cloud/place at the banquet. In fact when it comes to obtaining everlasting life we’re being left a little in the dark and quite frankly, it’s unsettling.

I try to live an ethical life and take care not to cause undue pain to others, but whoever checks my score after my game is over is likely to be a) all-powerful and therefore probably a little unhinged b) biased towards one religion in particular c) extremely busy and in a bit of a rush. I wouldn’t trust them to make a decent judgement on what to do with my soul until there’s a cloud ready for me, let alone whether I should go to hell for all eternity or not. What if after all that effort St. Peter slams the gates on me because I coveted my neighbour’s ox that time back in 1987? No appeal, no second chance.

I’d be more comfortable being judged by a panel who know what it’s like to be a human and have actually been there. After expiry we should be judged by a panel of 12 angels, all who must have been alive within the last five years (we don’t want anyone who has ‘lost touch’). They will have plenty of time to review my life and discuss it before reaching a conclusion and I will have the opportunity to put my case to them. Hung juries could be referred up to a tribunal of archangels if necessary, but the Big Man would have no say in individual cases, though he will remain in charge of things generally.

If we are to change the way things are run, we are going to need some insiders batting for our team, people who can get in there and change the status quo, people who have a guaranteed seat in the choir invisible and who know how to take on the establishment. Bob Geldof looks like a suitable candidate - he is pretty much guaranteed a place and is a dab hand with political campaigns. I reckon the Dalai Lama is another sure-fire bet. I will be contacting them both presently.

wagster, Jun 12 2005

(?) God's profile. http://www.halfbakery.com/user/god
We need to have words... [wagster, Jun 12 2005]

Pascal's Wager http://plato.stanfo...tries/pascal-wager/
A philosophically related idea. [Adze, Jun 13 2005]

Conversations with God http://www.amazon.c...78-5179042?v=glance
There is no hell except the one(s) we create [Adze, Jun 13 2005]


       If the almighty happens to be reading this,I think he should bake it. It would definitely be an encouragement for man to love-one-another, in case said other was to be on his jury. Thinking about it, isn't there a HB user going by the name of [god]?   

       Edit: Apparently there isn't but I'd swear that I had seen one at one point. Maybe I just forgot to take my medicine that day.
hidden truths, Jun 12 2005

       [Wag], Try making a personal DVD of your life's check marks and spread them around as therapy for now and for the hereafter.
mensmaximus, Jun 12 2005

       // I coveted my neighbour’s ox that time back in 1987//   

       Under what circumstances did you do this? Practicing for your priesthood (despite the fact that this thought cracks me up)?   

froglet, Jun 12 2005

       I like this, but to play devil's advocate, Imagine that you had really only wronged several dozen people in your life. Odds are that they would not be on the jury, but there are still odds.
"Terran Zimmy, please proceed to judgment room number -> #& (!" I was feeling rather well about my chances in this encounter as I've lived a generally decent & harmless life. I opened the door to room number -> #& (! and my body ran cold as I recognized more than half of the panel.
(I must not curse, I think. Let's not make things worse). There on the left are two of my Ex-girlfriends. In the middle is that poor guy I beat up in fourth grade (how'd he get here? I would've bet the farm he'd be in the other place) Oh, this is getting even better, I had to fire two of those guys on the right.
"Um, Mr. Deliberator, Would it be possible for the judged to have a glass of water?" (It might just be my last)
Zimmy, Jun 12 2005

       No Doubt - Tragic Kingdom - Climb. Gwen Stephanie sings it out.
mensmaximus, Jun 12 2005

       This is shirley impossible? Suggesting that 'god' will have no say in the cases is suggesting it is not all powerful and therefore can't be all that it is made out to be. If a 'god' figure were really all powerful then it would have no trouble in tending to each and every case.
fridge duck, Jun 12 2005

       There is no heaven (unless you count that weekend I spent in Vegas), and plenty of examples of hell on earth (come to think of it, right there in Vegas, too)
theircompetitor, Jun 12 2005

       The first lawyer to get into heaven meets his new roomate. He asks, "So, what did you do for life on Earth?" His roomate replies, "Not enough. I was Jehovah's witness."
reensure, Jun 12 2005

       There is enough jury duty on earth, why bring it to heaven?
MrDaliLlama, Jun 13 2005

       wags, faith is a gamble only if you believe faith is a gamble.
waugsqueke, Jun 13 2005

       Picking up from the bottom of the Pascal's wager link:
One could fool a panel of judges, perhaps, "Of course I was a believer", but I think that one couldn't fool the big guy: "You lying toe-rag; get thee to the hot place".
Ling, Jun 13 2005

       Have you actually heard some of the things the Dalai Lama has said? You might as well install George Pell - at least you could look at his hat if you got bored.
Detly, Jun 13 2005

       My neighbour doesn't have an ox I could covet, but I have coveted his wife's ass.
coprocephalous, Jun 13 2005

       What's this? Juries? Appeals? Cases? Judgement? You know what this is going to lead to: lawyers. Lawyers in heaven.
calum, Jun 13 2005

       The thing is [ling], I'm trying to avoid the situation where all those who believed in White Beard Man get sent one way and all those who believed in Four Arm Girl get sent another. Make it less personal and more about how you lived your life.   

       [waugs] - What?
wagster, Jun 13 2005

       [fridge duck] I suppose that God having no say would be his personal choice. The issue appaears to be his bias towards humanity rather than his capacity to see to the cases. And don't call me shirley.   

       And don't be silly [calum].
hidden truths, Jun 13 2005

       //This is a tough one to answer// sorry, [Pa've], but did someone ask a question?   

       I'm amused to see that [god] has had a couple of reasonable ideas and one spectacularly bad one.
moomintroll, Jun 13 2005

       Isn't it the case that being a 'good person' is not enough (in a number of religions) to grant one's souls eternal salvation/Nirvana/entry to heaven etc. It is the act of faith and love of deity; sins may be forgiven but to not believe, is to not believe in eternal bliss (please forgive the generalisations and shocking grammar).
Jinbish, Jun 13 2005

       [moomintroll] - I don't suppose the bad one was titled something like "Put humans in charge for a bit and see how it goes"?
wagster, Jun 13 2005

       I believe that, if there is a god, he will not judge us. He will only look deep inside us and see how we judge ourselves.
zeno, Jun 13 2005

       wags, I said faith is a gamble only if you believe faith is a gamble.
waugsqueke, Jun 13 2005

       ...which can, in fact, mean several things.
Detly, Jun 14 2005

       Have neither belief nor faith, and you're rolling dice with your soul.
reensure, Jun 14 2005

       I believe I have no faith. Where does that leave me?
coprocephalous, Jun 14 2005

       //I may have been worshipping the wrong deity or not worshipping the right one well enough..//   

       sp: [Detly]. There's your trouble.
ConsulFlaminicus, Jun 14 2005

       [wags] I was actually talking about the bakery account - but I like yours better, I think.   

       [Pa've] yes, dead simple - kill some infidels and die a martyr, and your place in heaven is assured. Frankly, [Pa], I can never tell when you're being serious. But maybe you're right, maybe 'simple' isn't quite the right word. Better, perhaps, to say 'varied, often misunderstood, and occasionally contradictory'?
moomintroll, Jun 14 2005


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