Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Intelligence test bra

for women with a cruel sense of humour
  (+49, -8)(+49, -8)(+49, -8)
(+49, -8)
  [vote for,

Instead of the normal clips, hooks, or whatnots you’ll find on most bras the intelligence test bra is opened by solving a small puzzle. (like those rings that you have to fiddle with to get the C shaped hoop off ...)
futurebird, Aug 18 2001

(???) A nickel-plated chastity belt http://home4.swipne...4443/ropheimans.htm
[angel, Aug 18 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004]

(???) Fantasies in Steel http://www.wpi.edu/...hastity/Gallery.htm
Oooh! [angel, Aug 18 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004]

(???) The lyrics. http://www.kingsgua...et.co.uk/song13.htm
I used to perform a Spoonerized version of this song at folk clubs. [angel, Aug 18 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004]

(?) The Bra of Nostrodamus http://www.parascop...es/slips/fs33_2.htm
Yes folks, this is a real product: "Triumph announced that this marks the dawn of 'a new generation of bras designed for a world where catastrophes can strike at any moment.'" [hippo, Aug 18 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004]

xkcd: "Frustration" http://www.xkcd.com/457/
[jutta, Aug 01 2008]


       Oho! So only smart guys get to go any further? Nice. Sweet-talkin' dummies are left fumbling about until their passion cools. Pastry for you (again).
Dog Ed, Aug 18 2001

       Have you ever tried to do one of those puzzles without looking or behind your back? Will this bra fasten at the front, or will the woman need assistance every time she wants to don or remove it?
jabbers, Aug 18 2001

       have you seen monty python's upper class twit of the year?
technobadger, Aug 18 2001

       Solving puzzles of a mechanical nature actually requires more intuition than intellect. But I love the concept and the visual it brings to mind.
The Military, Aug 18 2001

       I thought these things were already more difficult to solve than any mind puzzle I had ever encountered! Quick-release bra, now that's an idea whose time is come.
MotoMannequin, Aug 18 2001

       Men unable to solve the puzzles will simply take to carrying a pair of scissors around with them.
-alx, Aug 18 2001

       Hmmm.... might encourage a few people to tear them off in wild fits of passion :) and then of course.... if he got intensely involved in the puzzle, you know that he's one of those geeks that would get just as involved in a computer game while you were left painting your toenails :) can i have the s. african agency?
valkyroo, Aug 18 2001

       There is one obvious market for such a product: Parents of teenage girls. If you could apply the technique to panties they would be even happier.
Onalee, Aug 19 2001

       When I have teenage girls, their bras will be releasable only by suitors who can calculate the square root of negative one and enter it into the bra keypad interface.
snarfyguy, Aug 19 2001

       But snarfyguy, what if she's taken precalculus herself?
Deity, Aug 19 2001

       somehow... somehow... I can't imagine that my penchant for puzzle-solving and my favor for foreplay could ever end up being utilized at the same time. If I'm loosing (and yes, fellow pedants, I do mean 'loosing', not 'losing') knickers, I'm not trying to do a Chinese finger puzzle, and vice versa. These days, I solve a lot more puzzles than I used to... :P   

       How did chastity belts actually work, now that I think about it? And why don't we see more of them made of space-age polymers?   

       Deity, that's the trick. The keypad is strictly numeric, right snarfyguy?
absterge, Aug 19 2001

       absterge: I'm sure you could probably find links galore about chastity belts on the Web. I'm afraid to look.
PotatoStew, Aug 19 2001

       I'm not. (See links.)
angel, Aug 20 2001

       Excellent idea, worthy of the HalfBakery. Possible, whimsical and clever.
See "Bra of Nostrodamus" link for the latest in bosom-cantilevering technology.
hippo, Aug 20 2001

       [Meph]: What makes you think that I would know? (Although see my 3rd link for one possibility.)
angel, Aug 20 2001

       absterge, Deity: Yes, the keypad is numeric, and the square root of negative one is what I believe is called an imaginary number (or maybe it's an irrational number; I forget). It' s somehow incalculable anyway, the idea being that the suitor would never get the bra off.
snarfyguy, Aug 20 2001

       There is apparently a MS ad that has a password protected bra. It seems to be Scandinavian. <I found it on AdCritic, in the 'top ten' list.> You don't get a good look at the language, though.
StarChaser, Aug 25 2001

       FWIW, the options on the menu are in German (the ad was Swiss, as jutta pointed out). It reads:
Hilfe Holen (get help)
Anleitung Drucken (print instructions)
Gleich öffnen (simply open)
Abbrechen (cancel)

He chooses number three, and is presented with a dialog saying 'Passwort eingeben' (enter password). Blah. I don't get why she looks so pleased with herself.
AllenGrace, Oct 04 2001

       This idea seems to be based on a faulty premise or two:
1. That intelligence is a prerequisite for good sex.
2. That women are incapable of judging a prospective sex partner's intelligence through conversation and observation.

Either that or that women just don't want sex very much and anything that will keep men away is therefore a good thing.

I'm not a woman so could someone who is please tell me if any of the above are true or if we're just wasting time here? I haven't had sex with many women but none of them have ever wanted to test my IQ before they wanted to test other things (such as personality, ability to cook dinner, etc.)
sirrobin, Oct 04 2001

       I couldn't read the options on the screen I had, but the voices sounded not-German. I vaguely recognized it, so I guessed...<grin> Was still a cute ad, and it's a shame they pulled it.
StarChaser, Oct 06 2001

       I have to vote against this one. Once you've gotten that far, you've passed the hardest test.
zaphod12, Nov 06 2001

       sisters, you have forgotten you have to put the ruddy thing ON in the morning!
po, Nov 06 2001

       (oops. better late then never, but that's exactly what I was getting at, snarfy. If the keypad is strictly numeric, there's no way to put in an 'i', hence no way to get it off.)
absterge, Nov 07 2001

       It may happen (...it's likely to happen) that he asks to see some of her other bras and becomes, well, removed from the original trajectory.
hagfish, Nov 07 2001

       "So only smart guys get to go any further?"   

       Unless it's a smart girl going further.   

       *brushes up on calculus*
dj_photon, Nov 12 2001

       Put it on underpants with a password that only the wearer knows to prevent...er, unwanted visitors, if you know what I mean.
Galileo, Jan 05 2002

       *blushes for Galileo's sake*
Lucky_Setzer, Jan 06 2002

       what the hell? If I want to take the damned thing off I don't want to have to play some game to get it off.
harp1369, Apr 27 2002

       I think that is the *whole* point.
Ludwig, Dec 10 2002

       <math geek> Brilliant! I personally only date guys who are at least proficient in calculus (preferably more), undergarments that make you calculate the integral of the arctangent of x would weed out undesirables and be quite humourous. I also have friends who might be turned on by this. </math geek>
Malakh, Dec 10 2002

       [galileo] But if it were installed on underpants, picture the disaster in the bathrooms at any large event, where all of the stalls are taken up by people who are about to burst, however, they have all forgotten their password/cannot figure out the puzzle.
reap, Dec 10 2002

       I'd tend to agree that by that point the tests are already passed. Third date, you're a little inebriated, both dying for it and... "Oh, it's, um, a half twist to left and then you, um... I've got the instructions somewhere."   

       The comments did bring this to mind, though:   

       Sir Gregory, setting off for the crusades, says, "Sir John, you are the only man I know I can completely trust. In your safe and noble hands I leave the key to my wife's chastity belt. Should I be killed, you may, after an appropriate mourning period, release her to remarry."   

       No more than fifteen minutes after Sir Gregory has left the castle, a breathless Sir John comes galloping after: "Sir Gregory! You left the wrong key!"
rowlycat, Dec 22 2002

       Futurebird, you are too cool. ++good. Also works as a Darwinian mechanism (when applied to undies as well): only the smart procreate. Let me know when this gets marketed.
igirl, Jun 10 2003

       It seems to me that it's not so much intelligence, but dexterity and improvisation, that this will open for. And you can't tell me *that's* no good...
Detly, Nov 27 2003

       I'm a guy and I think thats exactly what the manufacturers already have in mind when they make these things.
Pac-man, Jan 26 2006

       I don't see how any shy, smart, puzzle oriented young man could get even a regular bra off easily. Making it a puzzle is just being mean to us.
notmarkflynn, Jan 27 2006

       The Gordian Bra?
mylodon, Aug 01 2008

       I'm sorry I haven't seen THOSE bras. let alone THIS bra.
unfortunate baker, Aug 02 2008

       [mylodon] {Reaches for his sword}   

       Chastity belts; A theory of why there are so many Smiths (Lefebvre / Lefèvre, Ferrari, Kowalski, Schmidt, Sepp, Schmid, Herrera, Kovacs, Smit}... they had the technology to thwart them.   

       {Yeah, I know that there were songsmiths, goldsmiths, silversmiths, wordsmiths... lemme dream}
Dub, Aug 02 2008

       This assumes most women actually want intellegent partners to get further. I think this is only the case when that intellegence has been paired with effort, luck, and has resulted in financial success. And even then, the "bad boy" appears to have a greater pull. There are certainly exceptions, but in general... few women would buy this bra.
James Newton, Aug 03 2008

       Oh, you don't sell this bra. You give it away with an application for a credit card, or with the purchase of a piece of software.
normzone, Aug 03 2008

       if I remember the square root of -1 is i. or i square root 1...
baslisks, Aug 06 2008

       God I know a joke that is perfect for this one, but I am afraid to tell it online.
Giblet, Aug 07 2008

       So these two dyslexic guys walk into a bra.
jutta, Aug 07 2008

       Did they fancy a couple of largers?   

       [+] Darwin would be thinking of the babies - I mean, they'd have to have a huge intellect to get a meal
Dub, Aug 09 2008

       I am tempted to send a fishbone towards this one, since as we all know mens' intellect decreases at a rate proportional to the closeness to breasts, with the addition of a time-dependent a frustration modifier.   

       On the other hand, this isn't intelligence-test panties.
shapu, Aug 11 2008

       xkcd finally got it too... http://xkcd.com/457/
loonquawl, Aug 15 2008

       //A theory of why there are so many Smiths (Lefebvre / Lefèvre// This one partially falls down when you realise that the commonest surname in France is Dupont.
DiveTart, Aug 15 2008

doctorremulac3, Sep 20 2014

       Met my first front clasp bra on an eighteen year old virgin when I was thirty-nine. She had to take it off. Some tests are not meant to be.
normzone, Sep 21 2014

       I'm just glad we've made a space where some men can write flash fiction. Most bra clasps unclasped is a Guinness World Record video. It's a record I want to break, but there would be no judges.
4and20, Sep 21 2014

       //Met my first front clasp bra on an eighteen year old virgin when I was thirty-nine.//   

       Heart warming story, thanks for sharing.
doctorremulac3, Sep 21 2014

       A: Because of likely low light conditions, Braille versions of these puzzle bras will be best.   

       B: A wise merchant will sell a limited number of puzzle bras clearly marked as puzzle A, B, etc. This will encourage the boyfriend and would be boyfriends to purchase a bra just to learn the secret to the puzzle in their downtime. Could Double... Triple sales?
popbottle, Sep 21 2014

       Well, that's the tip of the 'berg. I took the night to show her the details she should require from her lads in the future. Apologies if this crosses the low TMI threshold around here - some of us are comfortable in our own (and other's) skin.
normzone, Sep 22 2014


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