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Lumberjack Meeting Rules

grind logs and shorten meetings (and possibly legs)
  [vote for,

No one that I work with likes stopping to attend meetings. Inevitably they go on twice as long as they should, and someone hogs the entire agenda. Lumberjack Meeting Rules solves this problem, but requires prior investment in an item of apparatus.

The apparatus is simple, consisting of a row of parallel rough timber logs set into a frame with an electric motor driving a chain which causes the logs to rotate. The motor interfaces with a simple controller, with a set of connected remotes available for each meeting attendee.

Now when anyone wants to address the meeting, they have to step on the logs, which begin to gently (at first) rotate in a measured and predictable manner. The person speaking must move their legs in a continuous walking fashion, just as a good lumberjack does when traversing logs on water. (Note this is a bit dangerous so health warnings are in place)

If they start to monopolise the proceedings, or people don't like what they are saying, they can express themselves by pressing one of the buttons on their individual controller. This will cause the logs to speed up, or reciprocate between forward and reverse motion. To democratise this, the majority of the attendees have to press their controllers in concert, with any dissenting voices acting as reducing attenuators.

Regardless of the input of the other meeting attendees, the machine will speed up on its own anyway, causing the person on it to become breathless. Eventually they will simply be flung off by the staccato movements of the rollers. These durations are preset at the outset of the meeting.

Wearing of full lumberjack attire is required for all meetings.
Wheelchair friendly devices are also available.
Deluxe version comes complete with water trough.

xenzag, Sep 28 2017

Get Jiro https://www.tor.com...bourdains-get-jiro/
[normzone, Sep 28 2017]


       <bun withheld pending inclusion of running chainsaws in idea>
8th of 7, Sep 28 2017

       Real lumberjacks only use axes.
xenzag, Sep 28 2017

       //Wearing of full lumberjack attire is required for all meetings. // - "...high heels, suspenders and a bra..."
//Wheelchair friendly devices are also available. // - I'm not sure why; balancing on rotating logs might be easier with a wheelchair
hippo, Sep 28 2017

       And here I thought that if they went on too long, you'd simply cut their legs off.   

       Have the meeting on the conveyor belt at the sawmill.   

       Strap everyone down. When the meeting's over, you can shut off the machine. Whomever is speaking gets to sit nearest the blades.
RayfordSteele, Sep 28 2017

       I am a pacifist so I suggest "strip meeting" instead, where everytime the speaker lacks adequacy you take off an item of clothing. This puts ogling in competition with meeting content. Think of the fascinating meetings!
beanangel, Sep 28 2017

       Most humans look very bad without garments...
8th of 7, Sep 28 2017

       [beanangel], you live near the Pacific ocean?   

       So do I !   

       Proper meeting management is a pet peeve of mine.   

       Previously distributed agendas, somebody keeping the meeting on topic and riding herd on the troublemakers, all the other rules and tactics. I pride myself on completing my meetings early as often as possible, and cutting them short when people begin to tire.
normzone, Sep 28 2017

       // cutting them short when people begin to tire. //   

       Indeed. We reccommend a katana, or an Arabian scimitar.
8th of 7, Sep 28 2017

       Ah .... similar to " Get Jiro " (link).
normzone, Sep 28 2017

       //similar// pity the word doesn't have a depth rating. Sharp and very thin connection.   

       Probably anything that compacts the productivity of meetings into a small space-time, will benefit the earth.
wjt, Sep 29 2017


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