Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Masturbation Nightmare

How to prevent being found dead after masturbating
  (+23, -33)(+23, -33)
(+23, -33)
  [vote for,

I have a fear. Imagine being found by your family with your member in hand, protein stained spankerchiefs at your side, dead from a heart attack. I have developed a means by which you will never be found in such a state. Fill a large saucepan with cooking oil and place on the stove on high heat. Lay on the floor (with your spankerchief at your side) in front of the stove. Bring forth your population-paste in your own style. When finished, get up and turn the stove off. When the day finally comes that you keel over from heart failure mid-polish, as you lay there dead the oil will get hotter and hotter and eventually burst into flames and overflow and incinerate your body and maybe your house too. No evidence would be left.
Elitefingerbun, Sep 13 2005

Put a noose around your neck to disguise the situation further https://en.wikipedi...wiki/Death_erection
I was going to say lie down on your front, but it seems that doesn't cause it. [notexactly, Apr 27 2017]

Reddit only now getting around to this idea https://www.reddit...._the_watch_detects/
[normzone, Jun 05 2019]


       Well, I see your point. Although having survived one unnecessary kitchen fire started on accident by a pan of oil my lady forgot about, I'm not so sure about the method.   

       The fellow I know of was found dead of massive heart failure, dressed in the clothing of the opposite sex. I hope his shoes and belt went together well, and his colors were current. It was a terrible shock to his son that found him.
normzone, Sep 13 2005

JesusHChrist, Sep 13 2005

       Dribble. Is school out, on a vacation, or have the kiddies just got their hands on computers for the first time? (Assuming they have stopped pissing and jerking off long enough to use it.)
blissmiss, Sep 13 2005

       if only michael hutchence knew of this
benfrost, Sep 13 2005

       You have withstood the test of time, and good common sense, oh grasshopper, P.   

       When you understand you *are* already a baker, you may stop seeing yourself from the outside, in.
blissmiss, Sep 13 2005

       I'd have trouble getting off with the sound of my future body burn bubbling above my head.   

       However, for those who whack and eat, throwing some sliced potatos in the pan would really kill quite a few birds.
daseva, Sep 13 2005

       Sorry, just read "spankerchief", and got caught laughing. Males, did not know there was a term for that. Oh my god.
blissmiss, Sep 13 2005

       Elitefingerburn isn't for everyone.
Zimmy, Sep 13 2005

bristolz, Sep 13 2005

       Not one mention of monkeys? now there is.
skinflaps, Sep 13 2005

       //However, for those who whack and eat// Now *that* is gross.
Ling, Sep 13 2005

       + for use of alliteration - population-paste
DenholmRicshaw, Sep 13 2005

       <Excerpt from the 'Backwoods Informer'>   

       A male identified only as "EliteFingerBurn" has been rushed to hospital. Details have still to be confirmed by police, but it appears that he was performing onanism in his bedroom when he realised that there was a kitchen fire on the floor below. Running downstairs still erect, he grabbed a flaming pan of oil off the stove which slipped from his grasp, covering his penis and legs in burning oil. In a statement to the press made while naked in the ambulance he said "For god's sake please don't print those photos".   

       Turn to pages 4 and 5 for the pictures.
wagster, Sep 13 2005

       I have a fear -- sex is better than I imagine.
reensure, Sep 13 2005

       //Turn to pages 4 and 5 for the pictures//   

       ..and for the full scoop regarding the short clip involving monkeys please use our secure online ordering .....
skinflaps, Sep 13 2005

       For some reason, I read the title and instantly thought about a cheese grater, a nun, and a gigantic owl.
shapu, Sep 13 2005

       Horace was shy...timid, in fact. He stood alone in the dark, afraid to turn on the light for fear of what he might see in the mirror. He gritted his teeth..."No time like the present..." he sighed. The click of the switch and there he stood in the glaring light of the naked bulb. The stark shadows made it all the more hideous. He felt his face flushing with the embarrassment. Yes...he was erect and it was glorious and disgusting all at the same time. He quickly flipped off the switch...Carefully, he turned and began a slow walk to the kitchen..."Gawd!" he thought..."what if my mum caught me like this...the shame!" He opened the cupboard...the oil, the pan...the range...and an idea was emerging...Oh...sure it was a crazy idea. But, out of the darkend kitchen, the sense of it bagan to flood over his cranium. "Hmmmm...this might actually work..." he thought wistfully. He struck the match, chasing the sinewy fingers of darkness aside.
Blisterbob, Sep 13 2005

       I really don't know what to say to that.
wagster, Sep 13 2005

       I think we now know why they call him [Blisterbob].
Worldgineer, Sep 13 2005

       I'm against this just because of the suspicion that would be generated by perfectly normal house fires that the occupants had been frenziedly wanking.
hippo, Sep 13 2005

       I'd be afraid of just falling asleep afterwards and die unecessarily.
goober, Sep 13 2005

       You'd probably wake up when the hot oil started sputtering.
Worldgineer, Sep 13 2005

       welcome to hb - blisterbob. I never, ever thought I would say that. but then I have said all sorts...   

       hippo, I kept thinking that you said house flies.   

       night night, world and the rest of you guys.
po, Sep 13 2005

       Night po, remember to turn off the gas...   

       <runs, hides>
wagster, Sep 13 2005

       off out to find cheap petrol.   

       wag, remind me to slap you in the morning...
po, Sep 13 2005

       [bliss]Oddly enough, school is just back in, at least in the UK. God knows why he's chosen now to strike.   

       For the record, I am also a schoolboy.
Germanicus, Sep 13 2005

       Anno bun for [Pa`ve]'s well observed, "This is not subtle." which made me laugh out loud.
zen_tom, Sep 13 2005

       Ha ha ha. (+) .   

       Bit paranoid arent we - Elitefingerbun?
energy guy, Dec 03 2005

       //if only michael hutchence knew of this//   

       I just shit my pants.
AfroAssault, Dec 04 2005

       Why is it every time you comment on something, I feel like saying "EEEEeeeewwwww"?
blissmiss, Dec 04 2005

       I usually feel like saying that every time someone informs me that they've just shit their pants.
wagster, Dec 04 2005

       Then I won't tell you what I did to my shirt.
AfroAssault, Dec 08 2005

       NO no, Pllleassseee, tell us!
daseva, Dec 08 2005

       Thats why you notify a close buddy. In the event that they don't hear from you within a certain time frame they can check on you. In the event that you perish with a smile on your face, your friend can clean you up and then call an ambulance.
Jscotty, Dec 08 2005

       Masturbation is a healthy habit, but it doesn't quite replace a healthy diet and excercize. Also, there's no reason to make the rest of your family homeless just because you fear being caught dead masturbating. [-]
quantum_flux, Nov 14 2007

       Actually, it's no laughing matter. 78% of college dorm fires are started this very way.   

       I did not make this figure up. It was verified by highly trained scienticians.
doctorremulac3, Nov 15 2007

       thanks flux, I'm a better person for reading this
evilpenguin, Nov 15 2007

       I think this is the first time I've liked an idea and yet not wanted to bun it. Ambivalence is a strange creature.
5th Earth, Nov 15 2007

       You had me at "population-paste"
simonj, Nov 16 2007

       Beware: You may have a Pavlovian response to TGIFridays or other food establishments. Either that or you may condition to the point that you require fries in order to become aroused....   

       Caveat spanktor.
lostboy, Nov 16 2007

       "78% of college dorm fires are started this very way."   

       So we are left with 22% of the original intake intact (presuming the above tactic was successful). Pass rate at 50% (generous). At least we now know why there is a worldwide shortage of skills. And they say masturbation is harmeless. I am off to enroll (again). Graduating will be a wank in the park.
4whom, Nov 16 2007

       Who would possible fishbone this idea? 420 of my colleagues came together in a g20 type setting. After hours of deliberation we can find no fault whatsoever with this idea. In fact our next meeting will be to name a day after you. Or at the very least we will petition to have the word "masturbating" replaced with "Elitefingerbunating" So now let us all heat the oil and have a wonderful time Elitefingerbunating until the sun comes up or the house burns down!
Brian the Painter, Jan 05 2013

       //So now let us all heat the oil and have a wonderful time Elitefingerbunating until the sun comes up or the house burns down!// Theres really nothing to do in Canada, I gather.
evilpenguin, Jan 05 2013

       Plenty to do here, if you bring the oil I'll show you
Brian the Painter, Jan 05 2013

       Actually I'm going for the opposite effect. If I have sufficient forewarning of my death, I plan to don lederhosen and a snorkel, scatter a few small dead mammals around the bedroom, glue Smarties to my nipples and leave people wondering.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 05 2013

       I helped some friends clean the home of a young friend who died in a car accident, and I mentioned that it was one of the reasons I chose not to keep a porn collection.   

       One of my young friends expressed a sentiment similar to yours - He said he'd keep a big stack of the weirdest things he could find under his bed to leave his friends wondering.
normzone, Jan 05 2013

       Rentisham's Traditional Flenting Wax works to ease friction during masturbation as well as an excellent accelerant for the frying pan. Yes Rentisham's Traditional Flenting Wax is now saving people embarassment while still providing the expected level of comfort.
Brian the Painter, Jan 06 2013

       I can't believe I used to talk like that. Ha!
blissmiss, Jan 06 2013

       Write the name of a person you hate on your body with permanent marker (keeping the marker close by). That will make your death suspicious, and the hated person highly suspect, despite the confusing evidence of self service.
whlanteigne, Jan 07 2013

       I just noticed "Masturbation Nightmare" now has a 'double boner'.
Brian the Painter, Jan 07 2013

       I don't really like this idea. I don't fancy masturbating in the cold floor of the kitchen. And burning down a perfectly good house just for the sake of avoiding shame seems slightly overkill. Especially because after being dead it doesn't really matter. I would bet your inheritors would rather keep the house and your collection of rare stamps and ignore that last indiscretion.
PauloSargaco, Jan 09 2013

       I envisage a fetishisation of the cooking oil method. The knowledge that the house may well burn down if you don't come quickly enough will become a sexual stimulus in it's own right. From there, people will start using ever more volatile ingredients instead of cooking oil in order to achieve ever faster orgasms. The world will burn whilst the human race wanks itself silly.

Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! Oh yes, yes! Oh no! Oh Jesus! Oh fuck! <BLAM!>
DrBob, Jan 09 2013

       hilarious and ridiculous. Bun   

       You could also just have a napalm bomb with detonator, attached to either a camera with person-recognizing computer (notices if you die) or a heart-monitor trigger (detonates when your heart stops for a long enough time)
EdwinBakery, Jan 10 2013

       Wow. I'm going to miss [DrBob].
normzone, Jan 10 2013

       Really society should cherish people however they die. No I mean punish them. It's God's will. I'm a catholic, so I'm dead against the cremation part too. Like CSI touch nothing unless wearing rubber gloves. No just touch nothing. The dead should lie in state after death for several days and nights Exactly As they were found. All Catholics believe this. . A glass hearse should also carry you in state through town with a band and around a crowded stadium.
DDRopDeadly, Apr 13 2017

       // You could also just have a napalm bomb with detonator, attached to either a camera with person- recognizing computer (notices if you die) or a heart- monitor trigger (detonates when your heart stops for a long enough time) //   

       I would rather have it trigger a defibrillator.
notexactly, Apr 13 2017

       ... whereas for you, everyone else would much prefer the napalm.
8th of 7, Apr 13 2017

       An intelligent lassie-kind of dog could well be trained to clean up the awful death scene. e.g. Nuzzle your spent member back into your trousers, or bite it off (you won't be needing it), swallow the spankerchief and switch off the porn feed with its paw. If you were a lady, it could pull out the offending tool and bury it safely in the garden. Or about twenty dogs could just eat your body completely
DDRopDeadly, Apr 14 2017

       Trouble is I don't like dogs, so I'll take the saucepan
DDRopDeadly, Apr 14 2017

       When I was a lad I saw a television advert for a dandruff shampoo. The ad want on about correcting this embarrassing problem and I thought to myself, "If that happened to be I wouldn't give the tiniest care to it". It wasn't until later I realized the ad was intended to instill said embarrassment into the watcher. The effect of this idea is similar to the intent of that ad.
Voice, Jun 05 2019


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