Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Sex scores

not what you think
  (+41, -8)(+41, -8)(+41, -8)
(+41, -8)
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Someone should devise a notation system for sex acts like we have for music. You could then pull the score for a favorite lovemaking session from your shelf, have it projected on the wall/ceiling for easy reading, and get down to business. Eventually a canon of "great works" would develop. "Honey, should we try 'Rob Lowe and the teenage girls' tonight?"
mrthingy, Nov 15 2000


       Will Braille versions of these scores be available?
hippo, Jan 24 2001

       Not a bad idea, but suppose it's hard to read (music theory can get ver complicated). I like it though!
nbrosie152, Jan 30 2001

       Someone should be more intuitive regarding what moves to make, and when to make them.   

       Sex scores? Nice. I can't think of anything less erotic than referring to someone elses "session" prior to getting busy.
iuvare, Jan 30 2001

       iuvare: Well, you wouldn't HAVE to use them. I'm not suggesting a LAW or anything. You would still be free to improvise all you want. The creative could even support themselves by composing such scores.
mrthingy, Feb 23 2001

       "Let's see . . . oral, missionary, missionary, wheelbarrow, missionary, doggie-style, money shot. . . . . Great, honey, but I think your fingering needs a little more work. . . ."
deacon, May 15 2001

       Notation systems for human movement already exist (see links about Labanotation), and could presumably be used for sex notation, although I can't find any evidence of such. Labanotation is used mostly by dance archivists; dancers are by-and-large not very interested, and mostly prefer to learn dances by imitation, or to make them up themselves. (Pretty much the same as the situation with sex.)
td, Jun 25 2001, last modified Jun 26 2001

       I knew about labanotation already, but I don't think it would work well for sex. For one thing, it's designed to graph out choreography. Dancers can use it to learn a dance, but they don't look at it WHILE they're dancing, so it's different in that sense than a music or sex score.
mrthingy, Aug 08 2001

       I like the way great Jazz musicians do it (the music that is). They start with a standard, or some sort of riff, and work around it, heavily improvising. After a while they come back to the standard and can even experiment with the same standard in different ways.   

       I think this approach translates well into the bedroom without the need to project other peoples choreography onto the walls.
sdm, Aug 12 2001

       Labianotation. Okay, sorry.
bristolz, Jan 13 2002

       Plays larch's theme AKA Flight Of The Bumblebee
thumbwax, Jan 14 2002

       thumbwax, i tried that and i think i pulled something!
teatime, Feb 12 2002

       Wow. That's brilliant.
Seer Chin, Aug 28 2002

       What's wrong with plain ole' porn?
politely, Oct 25 2003

       Porn shot in Madrid?
bristolz, Oct 25 2003

       I don't know art, but I know what I like.
raisin, Oct 25 2003

       < What's wrong with plain ole' porn? - politely>   

       It's not really related to porn. Sort of like saying we don't need music notation because recordings exist.
mrthingy, Dec 18 2003

       Silabias 3.0 out now. The playback facility is a virtual re-enactment of your sex score.   

       I wonder if Sim Pornography is already baked.
spiritualized, Dec 31 2004

       I thought this was gonna be an idea about nasty keyboards and guitars with Wah! pedals....
gnomethang, Jan 03 2005

       "She does a really great cover of Vanessa Del Rio's reverse cowgirl, but her original work is not all that impressive"
normzone, Jan 04 2005

       Perhaps she was dictating.
Bull Winkus, Jan 04 2005

       This is good. What better present could you bring round to a dinner party?   

       "Here you are, we wrote this for you two last night. Hope you like it!"
wagster, Jan 04 2005

       Doesn't the kama sutra already do this to an extent?
etherman, Jan 05 2005

       This is a fugue-ing good idea. I think it has been baked in a 'Friends' episode (kind of - they do it with numbers instead of musical notations)
energy guy, Jan 05 2005

       rather ironic that its both a 'good' idea and has been in 'friends'.
etherman, Jan 05 2005

       It made me think of a panel of international judges sitting in the corner of the bedroom.
"And as Great Britain's entry share a post coital cigarette, the tension mounts as the judges reveal their scores..."
"Well a fine round, only marred slightly by the dissapointing score there from the French..."
zen_tom, Jan 05 2005

       Heh, zen.   

       "Great Britain's entry" sounds like a defineable move, probably involving apparent embarrassment.
calum, Jan 05 2005

       phnarr indeed - terminology matching the poetry of figure skating or diving might be in order.
"And quiet descends as the Frenchman steps up to the platform. Yes, warming his hands there, a true professional. Oh! A magnificent bi-sqeeze lateral three-quarter turn half-lutz mounting entry! Absolutely textbook! And the crowd goes wild!"
"Oh dear, he missed that one. She's not going to like that."
zen_tom, Jan 05 2005

       Trojan condoms did a hilarious series of adverts featuring various olympic events altered to include penetration. They were (unsurprisingly) pulled from tv broadcast, but can be seen at www.trojangames.com.
wagster, Jan 05 2005

       [wag], your '05 comment does not appear to findable anymore, sadly.
normzone, Jun 13 2007

       Tis a shame...   

       I was looking forward to some commentators watching the replay in slow motion and saying something like "You can see he has been practing his stroke....."
S-note, Jun 13 2007

       I've linked to the Trojan Games adverts, still out there on Youtube. The commentary is superb (they hired a couple of the real BBC commentators to do it, I believe). "And surely that's in!"
imaginality, Jun 13 2007

       The audio commentary would have to be whispered, like in golf.   

       <quiet voice> "Oh uh - he's in the rough. It's a tough approach to the hole from there."
nuclear hobo, Jun 13 2007

       Oh, that's good, all three of them [imaginality].
normzone, Jun 14 2007

       I can see it now: You download these scripts and play them back on Windows Media Player 30, connected to your CID (Crotch Interface Device). Script authors develop styles, become celebrities, gain product endorsements. No one ever needs to see anyone in person again.
Ander, Jun 14 2007

       It's almost as entertaining as playing Madden 2000 while watching a porno. The game likes to say "he got good penetration on that play."
ye_river_xiv, Jun 15 2007


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