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Mobile Phone Brain Implant

“"300 free off-peak minutes for your thoughts."
  [vote for,

Have you ever been on the bus trying to read or just trying to catch up on some Z’s, when all of a sudden a cell phone goes off playing one of those cute, annoying songs? (My favorite tune is the horn from the Duke Boy’s General Lee.) If the mutant on the other end hears the phone, ‘cause that’s another problem altogether, (they don’t hear the phone and then we have to listen to that song play and play and play) then you must sit through the entire maniac’s conversation.

“I don’t care what you make for dinner. But it better be chicken.”

“Did you feed the cat?”

“I really don’t want to go out to dinner with your mother tonight!”

“I am stuck in traffic. Take the garbage out.”

“And then he says to me . . .”

Do we really need to hear someone else’s conversation? Do we really need to be subjected to this torture?

What about when you are in your car, and all of a sudden the person in front of you is going 1 mile an hour? You can bet all your marbles that if the person in that car is not 7,000 years old, then that person is having a conversation on a cellular phone.

Just the other day I was on a crowded elevator and one of these “well connected people” was chatting as loud as they could on one of these marvels of technology. I had to jam my head between the elevator doors and continuously press the “close door” button just to keep from grabbing that phone and smashing it into 1,000,000,000 pieces! We couldn’t even enjoy the MUZAK pumping through the elevator’s speakers because of this inconsiderate person’s obnoxious-ness.

I apologize for my raving, and I am far from being against mobile telephones, but we need a half-baked idea that may save us all, not to mention our sanity, from the side effects of this technology.

I propose a chip that is surgically implanted in your head. It is in essence, a mobile telephone that can read your thoughts and relay messages, i.e. a person’s conversation, directly to and from your brain. No longer would everyone within a five-mile radius of a mobile phone user be subjected to a conversation that they do not need to hear. Alleluia!

And yes, as with any new invention, this can be twisted and used for Evil.

fatamericanpig, Aug 01 2000

Cellphone Disruptor http://www.halfbake...llphone_20Disruptor
Another solution, and lots of discussion. [egnor, Aug 01 2000, last modified Oct 17 2004]

Phone as Implant http://www.halfbake...hone_20as_20Implant
Same thing, but (more plausibly) using subvocalization instead of thought-reading. [egnor, Aug 01 2000, last modified Oct 17 2004]

Brain-Computer Interfaces http://www.rocheste...ses/cs/bayliss.html
Research at U of Rochester on limited "thought-reading" via brainwave analysis. [egnor, Aug 01 2000, last modified Oct 21 2004]

User Friendly- The Comic Strip (Feb 7, 2000) http://ars.userfrie.../?id=20000207&mode=
What happens when you set your brain phone on the 'Vibrate' setting. Also check out Feb. 2-4 for context. [BigThor, Aug 01 2000, last modified Oct 17 2004]


       i've been having my friends and family call me every day on the same schedule just so i can be near you and share my life with you. i feebly pray and hope that someday you'll actually talk to me and that we can share our lives together, but you don't seem to get the message. i keep hoping something in the conversations of my life will peak your interest and we can sit close on the bus and whisper quietly each other's secrets.
sniffles, Aug 01 2000

       Pretending that your annotation was not completely sarcastic, that was one of the hottest things that someone has ever said to me. I will be "listening" for you on the bus tonight.
fatamericanpig, Aug 01 2000

       What if you could set the implant to 'vibrate' instead of 'ring'? Instant migraine!   

       Definite Evil potential here! Bwahahahaha!!!!   

       (BTW- check out the User Friendly link if you don't believe me)
BigThor, Aug 31 2000

       ye, lets implant mobile phones into all our heads, and then we can fry our brains from the inside instead of outside hey, and when we want to recharge, just put your head in the microwave, makes no diffs hey hey hey hey?
likwidnarkotix, Nov 21 2000

       Not sure about the cell phone in the head bit, but do like the T.V. on the shoulder. Maybe that one could be pursued, or converted into a pair of shades where one eye gets a tv screen, no maybe not.
sven3012, Sep 13 2001

       The idea is, itself, baked, anyone seen the hilarious James Colban film of 1967 "The Presidents Analysist" this is one of my favorite films... watch it to the end to see what I mean...
solomungus, Sep 13 2001


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