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Permanently implanted BlueTooth earbud

Finally, complete the illusion of being a schizophrenic with auditory hallucinations
  (+2, -7)(+2, -7)
(+2, -7)
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I used to scoff at the self-important jackasses who walked around wearing their bluetooth earbuds nonstop. Unfortunately, I too have now become one of those jackasses. Despite the fact that people who see the wrong side of my profile commonly think I am talking to myself, I am hooked on wireless handsfree communications.

I propose opening a clinic down in Mexico, or some other country with lax medical regulations. They would remove the internal electronics of a standard off the shelf Bluetooth earbud and encase it in surgical grade titanium. This would be implanted in the soft flesh behind the ear.

The device would have two small projecting tabs made of dissimilar metals. These tabs, along with the naturally alkaline blood of your body, form a crude battery to power the device. Much power would not be needed, because the output signal from the electronics, instead of driving a power hungry loudspeaker, would be connected via microscopic gold fibers directly to the auditory nerves. The microphone element would be replaced with a piezoelectric sensor mounted flush to the surface of the device, and would respond directly to the vibrations of your speech.

In the likely event that my poorly conceived blood-battery scheme proves troublesome (ie by giving the user heavy metal ion poisoning) power could instead be derived from a standard internal lithium cell. An inductive pickup coil would be used for re-charging. You would keep a special mat under your pillow with built in coils and electronics to inductively charge your device each night while you sleep.

Of course, deliberately exposing your head to electromagnetic radiation each night may lead to an increase in brain cancer. So as a prophylactic measure, the exact frequency of the inductive charging current would be carefully tuned to match the resonant frequency of a typical white blood cell. The induced sympathetic vibrations would give your immune system an invigorating boost, actually reducing your overall cancer risk. It might also just kill all your white blood cells, more research is needed…

ServoMan314, Jun 23 2008

Bluespoon 5G http://www.pocketno...il&id=643&t=reviews
[MisterQED, Jun 27 2008]

Cerebral Communicator http://www.youtube....watch?v=uUa3np4CKC4
TPC is taking over the world. [Klaatu, Jun 27 2008]


       Why not put it in a tooth? Clearly that was the original intent anyway. You could charge it by swishing lemon juice around in your mouth...
GutPunchLullabies, Jun 26 2008

       The problem with this is built-in obsolescence. If you had a steel plate in your head or other prosthetic device such as a heart pacemaker, it interacts with the rest of your body in a particular way which has been the case for millenia and isn't likely to change much. Imagine if in the early twentieth century, someone had had a candlestick telephone grafted into their body. It wouldn't be a lot of use by today. Devices change so rapidly nowadays that this would be like having your index finger replaced with a disposable bic pen.
nineteenthly, Jun 26 2008

       The problem is reception. My boss got the present closest approximation of this, the Bluuespoon 5G. I'll find a link later. It is only slightly larger than a hearing aid and is a wonder of miniturization. The problem is that Bluetooth is line of slight communications and it doesn't stick out of you body enough to receive a signal in an open space. Works fine in a car, where the signal can bounce off the door, but go outside and it's worthless. I doubt it would work in a tooth either unless your mouth was open and the phone was in front of you.   

       So wrap a skintone colored antenna and electronics around the back of your ear and connect inductively thru the back of the ear to a hearing aid inner piece that is molded to your ear canal.
MisterQED, Jun 26 2008

       It may be an urban myth, but it's said that shrapnel in the head or fillings can pick up radio signals. I suppose that means analogue signals would work better.
nineteenthly, Jun 27 2008

       But why not wi-fi for when the optic-nerve-compatible web browser comes on the market? [nineteenthly] is right - anything you think is a good idea now will be obsolescent soon.
hippo, Jun 27 2008

       // line of slight // [marked for tagline]
4whom, Jun 27 2008

       I remember this from "The President's Analyst". Great movie. <link>
Klaatu, Jun 27 2008


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