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I CAN HAZ CROISSANTZ?
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OK, you go to the bar with your friends, they all get stinking drunk and hook up with various partners of the opposite sex. You are the only one single since you are the designated driver or you have sworn off alcohol. You have a good time watching your friends and sipping on non-alcoholic beer, but
something is missing. Alas, a partner awaits you, but you would rather ride them home since they look like they are related to a horse.
Here's where the non-alcoholic beer goggles come in, you place them on your face and everyone you see becomes 10x more attractive. Beer bellies become washboard stomachs. Toothless old hags become supermodels. You grab the first person (assuming they are physically compatible, or even human) and make sweet love to them. When morning arrives, you share the shock of your compadres, when you remove your beer goggles, look to the other side of the bed and nearly vomit (and you didn't even drink!).
The beer goggles could come in a variety of styles, some looking like regular glasses with "adjusted" lenses. Other could be more blatant - looking like swimming goggles that say "Beer Goggles" prominently on them. Now, I know that you are the designated driver for a reason, perhaps the lenses can flip up like sunglasses to your regular glasses. Hopefully, your date isn't sitting next to you, or perhaps a set of "beer blinders" can be attached for sideways vision allowing perfect road vision...
Beer Goggles, the educational product
with cloth carrying bags and activity list. [jutta, Aug 10 2001]
Simpsons episode referred to above. [Uncle Nutsy, Aug 10 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004]
Yep: Non-Alcoholic Beer Goggles
Fatal Vision® Simulator Goggles: When people directly experience impairment, the lesson sticks. [bristolz, Oct 04 2004]
||Such things are for sale at Duff Gardens:
||Bart: [reading] "BEER GOGGLES: See life through the eyes of a drunk."
[puts them on]
[Selma becomes a foxy lady]
Selma: You're charming the pants off of me.
Bart: [removing glasses] What did you say, Aunt Selma?
Selma: I said take off those damn glasses!
||Something like this could be done, I suppose, if the glasses featured a built-in camera, oodles of computer processing power, appropriate morphing software, and (on the inside of the lenses), LCD or equivalent screens. Bring Your Own Batteries, of course!
||Just do X instead, that way you keep your promise, will screw anything, and if you wreck it won't bum you out as much.