Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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The phrase 'crumpled heap' comes to mind.

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Non-Obnoxious Microwave

Like a normal microwave, with added decorum.
  (+9)(+9)
(+9)
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I have a microwave. I didn't buy it, I don't think I ever have bought one, they just come with apartments as standard, as with the variety pack of used hangers and the mystery stain.

Anyhow, my microwave is a noisy beast. Let's start with opening the door: "Ker-chank!" hear that? there's a pair of needlessly robust plastic hooks and a complex internal mechanism and even worse, it goes "Ker-chonk-slam" when you close it. The internal springs don't really allow for a gentle closing, it's all or nothing. Clearly, microwaves are so dangerous that there must be multiple safety mechanisms between me and a mild heating effect. We can retain these, if we must, using a quiet magnetic closure and a reed-switch relay arrangement for the safety. Done, nice and quiet.

Next, the big glass turntable: I have thin walls in my apartment, and I can hear someone put a mug in their microwave 10ft away through the walls. Glass is all lovely and everything, but it's noisy and easily broken. Time to replace it with hard plastic coated with that lovely heat-resistant silicone they have now. Possibly with some flecks of metal in to help with the microwave scattering.

Next, the beep. Not so much of that thanks. A beep for every button press then very long beeps to signal the end of non-uniform food heating. No. Scientists predict that by 2023, machines may be capable of producing noises other than loud beeps. Let's keep an eye on that research and use a nice soothing "bong" sound instead, as soon as it's available.

Next, the fan. They seem to have fitted a fan to microwaves. I believe the purpose is to help suck crumbs around the back of the obnoxious beast.... possibly a misguided attempt at vacuum cleaner/microwave combo? who knows. Anyhow, if it must exist, there are nice quiet ones you find in computers and such. Let's use that, or just a bigger heatsink.

There, that should help. This is a bit of a rant, but it's not just my microwave, all the microwaves I've ever come across have the ability to wake the dead with sheer needless noisiness.

bs0u0155, Feb 20 2014

Partial Prior Art Quieter_20Microwave
[bs0u0155, Feb 20 2014]

[link]






       [+] rant. You forgot the bit where after it's done it continues to beep every 20 seconds until the end of time, the door that opens to sweep off the counter everything in its path, and the inside light which dimly illuminates food you can't actually see because of the screen in the door.
FlyingToaster, Feb 20 2014
  

       //it continues to beep every 20 seconds until the end of time//   

       Mine doesn't do that. I'll sell it to you for $1000
bs0u0155, Feb 20 2014
  

       With my microwave, I've found that if I hold the "open door" button in as I close the door, then release it while holding the door shut, it can be closed quietly. A lot of microwaves don't work that way so you'll need to play with them at the store. I'm sure you can't find my 15-year-old model in stores anymore.   

       // I have thin walls // I guess your problem though is not just selecting your microwave to be quiet, but eliminating all noisy ones from the marketplace so your neighbor can't buy a noisy one.
scad mientist, Feb 20 2014
  

       //eliminating ...your neighbor
not_morrison_rm, Feb 20 2014
  

       This is an excellent idea which needs to be baked in the real world as soon as possible. (Or at least heated up).
AusCan531, Feb 20 2014
  

       //all noisy ones from the marketplace so your neighbor can't buy a noisy one//   

       I have a flatmate, who uses a microwave in the morning. It doesn't help that she get's up at a horrendous hour... sometimes as early as 8am.
bs0u0155, Feb 21 2014
  

       // I disagree that it is necessarily easily broken.// I believe that a soapy microwave turntable can leave a similarly soapy hand... in the direction of a concrete floor, at slightly above the speed of sound and that fragments will still be turned up with the frequency of German bombs in london construction sites.
bs0u0155, Feb 21 2014
  

       //soapy microwave turntable can leave a similarly soapy hand   

       I avoid that by just not washing them..
not_morrison_rm, Feb 21 2014
  

       ah... my flatmate uses the same method
bs0u0155, Feb 21 2014
  

       Microwave ovens in the 80s had two controls - a physical dial to control temperature (duty cycle), and another to control time - both of which could be adjusted on-the-fly without interrupting the cooking process. When the timer ran down, they went 'ding!' just once. It's all been down-hill since then.
spidermother, Feb 21 2014
  

       //FlyingToaster   

       I used to have a Motorola phone that beeped when the battery was low. And periodically it did, and did, so long as it could.   

       I one day accidentally dropped the phone in trash...
d, Feb 22 2014
  

       Motorola probably wonder why they're being dropped by google and slowly sold out of existence. I had a Motorola smart phone, it's response to low battery was a flashing light and repeated vibration. YOU'RE MAKING THE PROBLEM WORSE YOU IDIOTIC BRICK!
bs0u0155, Feb 22 2014
  

       Oh It's gone now. The new one is set to: Never ever flash, beep, vibrate or anything at all. I'll come to you if I need anything. Combined with the fact that telephone calls are a thing of the past, I happily co- exist.
bs0u0155, Feb 22 2014
  

       I may have missed a dentist appointment due to my hard-line policy on telephone calls.
bs0u0155, Jan 21 2015
  
      
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