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OnStar Bitch

Complain about your car's design flaws as they happen
  (+4)
(+4)
  [vote for,
against]

Computer programs have bug feedback buttons. Now your car does too.

OnStar: OnStar, how can we help you?

Driver: Yeah, this car can't even drive in half an inch of snow. Also my seatbelt keeps tightening up on me randomly to the point where I can hardly breathe.

OnStar: Well I see that you don't have snow tires but the other thing sounds like a design flaw because there have been other reports like that for your make. The design team for (car manufacturer named) knows about this already and I understand they will be willing to reimburse you for this problem, shall I make you an appointment at the dealership to take care of both problems.

Driver: Sure thanks.

sartep, Mar 26 2004

What is OnStar? http://www.onstar.c...nt_whatisonstar.jsp
For [simonj] [krelnik, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 05 2004]

[link]






       OnStar · r · r · r · +.
I'd say this belongs in the "what's stopping them?" category
dpsyplc, Mar 26 2004
  

       You pay for each OnStar call, right?
DrCurry, Mar 26 2004
  

       You could make these calls free to the driver and cheaper to On-Star by eliminating the human interaction. Have the in car system record your complaint/suggestion and send it later. Since you do not need real-time voice, the data can be sent in small packets on a cheaper band.
blahginger, Mar 26 2004
  

       OnStar: OnStar, how can we help you?   

       Driver: Yeah, the radio knob just fell off, the power windows are skipping instead of moving smoothly, and the gas gage seems stuck on a quarter tank when I just filled the tank full.   

       OnStar: Well, I see that the car is 14 years old. Are you just too #*!@%# cheap to buy a new car?   

       (In other words, this idea is great (+) but needs to be limited to the life of the warranty or something as reasonable to account for normal wear and tear on the vehicle)
Native Dancer, Mar 26 2004
  

       Fantastic idea.I could have complained about the new Chevy Cavalump and Pontiac Shitfire I was unfortunate enough to buy in the early 90's.Give this man a cigar !!!
python, Mar 27 2004
  

       If you're well-off enough to afford OnStar, you're not driving an old car. And if you're driving a retrofitted one, you're not going to bitch about it, you're going to fix it yourself or call the mechanic who did the job for you. So, bun.
Eugene, Mar 27 2004
  

       What's OnStar?
simonj, Mar 27 2004
  

       Who's the OnStar bitch?
FarmerJohn, Mar 27 2004
  

       I thought this invention would be more like this:   

       OnStar: OnStar, how can we help you?   

       Driver: Yes, how do I get to Highway 101?   

       OnStar: What is it with you people? Ask for fucking directions. Did this trip come as a surprise to you? No. You knew you'd be going to Highway 101. You were sitting on your ass in front of the computer all morning, reading your fucking e-mail. What would it cost you to go to mapquest or yahoo or whatever and expend that little bit of energy to look up your route in advance?? Yes. Well, that would take *thought*, wouldn't it? Much easier to just sit here like a crybaby and press the big button. "Mohoom! Get me home!" Man, I'm sick of this job.
jutta, Mar 27 2004
  

       [simonj], OnStar is this big button factory-installed in luxury vehicles and presumably available to the consumer at all participating retail outlets. You press it and you get travel help. They give you directions, they call for emergency assistance, they even make reservations for you at resturaunts and hotels. I haven't heard the downside to the service yet.   

       Wait--the cost. For what's offered, they must take your firstborn child or your left nut or somesuch.
Eugene, Mar 27 2004
  

       I like jutta's version better.
krelnik, Mar 27 2004
  

       Amen, [jutta] I *SO* love you for that anno! Except change that "Onstar" person to "Computer Tech" person. I want to live that dream. <applause>
Letsbuildafort, Mar 27 2004
  

       "Your bitch may be recorded for quality control purposes"
hippo, Mar 27 2004
  

       I almost worked for OnStar, designing the button ergonomics, positioning, and such, for a Ferrari program of all things.
RayfordSteele, Mar 27 2004
  

       How would that work exactly? Strap yourself into the car and have an earpiece shock you as you drive?
whatastrangeperson, Mar 28 2004
  

       On remote command, the SUV's tires esplode and roll the vehicle. If you happen to survive, then the car manufacturer will GIVE you a late model Ford Taurus to keep as a reminder of what a lazy, money-wasting fool you are. Or maybe they mail you a card of dissatisfaction. I dunno.
Letsbuildafort, Mar 29 2004
  

       That's asplode.
Mr Burns, Mar 29 2004
  

       I thought "asplode" was the passive tense and "esplode" was the active tense ...
Letsbuildafort, Mar 29 2004
  

       //"Your bitch may be recorded for quality control purposes"// [marked-for-tagline]
FlyingToaster, Oct 10 2012
  
      
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