Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Parma Beef

  [vote for,

I am slowly working my way through a Parma ham, which is one of humanity's finest achievements. The back leg of a pig (in this case, the left one, as it happens) is wreathed in sea- salt for several weeks, air-dried for several more, sealed with lard, and then aged for three years. By the end of this process, it is unimaginably dense, salty, and tangy and a deep dusky plum in colour. Most amazingly at all, it has spent most of it's post-ambulatory life at room temperature and yet remains entirely safe to eat. No nitrates, no cooking, no nothing.

It occurs to me that beef would respond well to this treatment. The back leg of a cow is somewhat bigger than that of a pig, and so might take 5-8 years to mature fully, but would work better for those with large appetites. If the flavour of 5-week-aged beef is anything to go by, the flavour of 8-year-old Parma beef would be too wonderful for words.

I know, you're about to say something about beef jerky. Well, that would be the equivalent of shaving a thin slice off a pig, drying it for a few hours and then eating it. Nothing remotely palatable. Parma beef - it has to be done.

MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 03 2019

Bresaola https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bresaola
"air-dried, salted beef (but also horse, venison and pork) that has been aged two or three months until it becomes hard and turns a dark red, almost purple color. originated in Valtellina, a valley in the Alps of northern Italy's Lombardy region" - not too many stonesthrows from Parma. [zen_tom, Jul 04 2019]

Obligatory You Don't Eat A Pig Like That All At Once https://www.fark.co...ont-eat-all-at-once
[theircompetitor, Jul 10 2019]


xenzag, Jul 03 2019

       Fine, we'll do a vegetarian version. 325lb of potatoes left in a cellar for 8 years. You have no soul.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 03 2019

       //325lb of potatoes left in a cellar for 8 years// Vodka.   

       Gonna refer to that bottle of Stoli as 'Parma potatoes', as in: 'What did you have for supper tonight?'
Sgt Teacup, Jul 03 2019

       As with Champagne, Parma would only refer to cattle from the Parma region otherwise they would just be known as Sparkling Beef.   

       There are a lot of three-legged pigs limping around Parma. I'm not sure if cattle would tolerate the amputations so well, but I suppose it would make them easier to push over while they were sleeping.
ConsulFlaminicus, Jul 04 2019

       Why stop at beef?
Parma venison
Parma lamb
Parma violets
Parmalat scandal
calum, Jul 04 2019

       //You have no soul// Have you?
xenzag, Jul 04 2019

       I'm fairly sure what you're describing is called Bresaola - the Parmarised version of Carpaccio.   

       Also, interestingly per [ConsulFlaminicus]'s point, this stuff is produced in Italy's Apline region, so conceivably, the cows (as long as they're facing the appropriate direction) may be able to remain upright on the local slopes and continue to enjoy a full and enriching life, long after the procedure is complete.
zen_tom, Jul 04 2019

       Hmmm. Bresaola looks close. I shall have to investigate. However, it seems to lack the whole-leggedness of Parma ham.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 04 2019

       I wonder how well this process would apply to the new vegetarian meats.
notexactly, Jul 10 2019

       //new vegetarian meats// We've tried hanging a piece of Quorn Chicken in a damp cellar for five months. A desperate rat ate the string, left the Quorn.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 10 2019


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