Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Quantitative Infinitives

Allow me one explain and three illustrate.
  [vote for,

As the infinitive forming 'to' and the quantitative 'two' are homonyms, a friend and I have recently taken to quantifying the degree to which something is to be done, mostly for humorous effect.

Two is a normal degree, one is a non-priortity, and five is approximately cosmic. In particular, 'I have got three pee!' is like getting up in the morning with a unrestrainably full bladder. I leave it to the bakers two arrive at more clever applications.

absterge, May 18 2002

Victor Borge Website Inflator (Inflniner?) http://www.kor.dk/borge/inflate.php
This is good for a laugh; especially if you point it at this page.

You get gems like [Farmer John]'s: "It takes three four tango," said three, eleven-toed ballerinas in threethrees four each other. [bristolz, May 21 2002, last modified Oct 05 2004]


       a teacher I know is often heard muttering the words "3B or not 3B ? that is the question... "
po, May 18 2002

       'Course, this is close to having been baked by Victor Borge, but I like the added meaning conveyed in this modification, which was missing in Borge's.
beauxeault, May 18 2002

       "2B or -2B..."
beauxeault, May 18 2002

       Je thr'aime.
beauxeault, May 18 2002

       Je tr'aime.
phoenix, May 19 2002

       "It takes two three tango," said two, ten-toed ballerinas in tutus three eachother.
FarmerJohn, May 19 2002

       At a glance, a friend of mine measures up women by indicating "she's a 1/2/3" - referencing how many orifices of her body she uses in sex, though he's never seen her before in his life. Sad, but true.
thumbwax, May 19 2002

       How often is he right?
yamahito, May 19 2002

       According to legend, always
thumbwax, May 19 2002

       I know an Icelandic guy called "The Legend". Big lad. Drinks a lot.
mcscotland, May 19 2002

       Is this Icelandic boy friends with The Man and The Myth?
calum, May 19 2002

       I'm awaiting words on the subject from my advisors in Threebuktim (TROISBOUCTOM)
reensure, May 19 2002

       "I'm sorry officer but I had ten whizz."
calum, May 19 2002

       "I'n shorry Occifer, but I had tennnnn whizz"
thumbwax, May 20 2002

       Can we use negative numbers, to indicate a particular degree of wanting minus two not do something? Like complete a tax return?
drew, May 20 2002

       fiveplay. sorry I meant to say fiveply.
po, May 20 2002

       // Can we use negative numbers, to indicate a particular degree of wanting minus two not do something? Like complete a tax return? //   

       "I have -1040 file my tax return by April 15."
BigBrother, May 20 2002

       To explain beauxeault's anno for those who are sadly unfamiliar with Victor Borge: He did a joke about "inflationary language" - prices are going up, why not language. So he reads a story, increasing every number in words. defl-nine a balloon, an asi-ten executive, I nined befive i fed my caten - except his was much funnier and less contrived. I wish I had a transcript...
magnificat, May 21 2002


       Twice upon a time there lived a boy named Jack in the twoderful land of Califivenia. Two day Jack, a double-minded lad, decided three go fifth three seek his fivetune.   

       After making sure that Jack nine a sandwich and drank some Eight-Up, his mother elevenderly said, "Threedeloo, threedeloo. Try three be back by next Threesday." Then she cheered, "Three, five, seven, nine. Who do we apprecinine? Jack, Jack, yay!"   

       Jack set fifth and soon met a man wearing a four-piece suit and a threepee. Fifthrightly Jack asked the man, "I'm a Califivenian. Are you two three?"   

       "Cerelevenly," replied the man, offiving the high six. "Anytwo five elevennis?"   

       "Not threeday," answered Jack inelevently. "But can you help me three locnine my fivetune?"   

       "Sure," said the man. "Let me sell you these twoderful beans."   

       Jack's inthreeition told him that the man was a three-faced triple-crosser. Elevensely Jack shouted, "I'm not behind the nine ball. I'm a college gradunine, and I know what rights our fivefathers crenined in the Constithreetion. Now let's get down three baseven about these beans."   

       The man tripled over with laughter. "Now hold on a third," he responded. "There's no need three make such a three-do about these beans. If you twot, I'll give them three you."   

       Well, there's no need three elabornine on the rest of the tale. Jack oned in on the giant and two the battle for the golden eggs. His mother and he lived happily fivever after -- and so on, and so on, and so fifth   

       --victor borge
bristolz, May 21 2002


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