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Rapture Insurance

Look after the ones you leave behind after the Rapture.
  (+13, -2)(+13, -2)
(+13, -2)
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When the Rapture comes there will always be friends and family that did not convert the True Faith and therefore will be left behind. This is where Rapture insurance comes in ...

The insurance is managed by a staff of ethical Hindu employees, who have each signed an affadavid swearing that they have heard your faith but have rejected it. This insures that the profits from your monthly divends allows your named people on the policy will be looked after even if the Holy Big Guy calls time.

The insurance will only pay out if a significant number of followers of the True Faith disappear and if holy places (like Utah, Texas and Stevenage) are left suspiciously devoid of people. It therefore does not cover divine abduction on a small scale, so the named people of saints who individually ascend to heaven are not covered by this policy.

There is one policy per True Faith and if your religion was not involved in the Rapture then you will receive no refund. However as you are a True Believer this will not will be a problem and besides someone from the other True Faith might have named you on their Rapture Insurance.

As they say, always look on the bright side of life.

Aristotle, Jun 22 2003

(?) Stevenage Rappers http://www.petem.de...ds/sword.htm#Rapper
Newbiggin-ing [thumbwax, Oct 05 2004, last modified Oct 17 2004]

What the damned fight with after the Rapture. http://etext.lib.vi...art=9&division=div1
[bungston, Oct 05 2004, last modified Oct 17 2004]

Get Out Of Hell Free cards for the whole family http://www.goohf.com/
[ato_de, Oct 05 2004, last modified Oct 17 2004]

Email Rapture Insurance http://youvebeenleftbehind.com
They provide an emailing service if all their Christian staffer disappear at once and stayed disappeared for an extended period. [Aristotle, Apr 08 2009]

(??) Who will look after your pet, post-rapture? http://eternal-earthbound-pets.com/
[hippo, Feb 15 2010]

Rapture imminent http://www.bbc.co.u...-us-canada-13468131
Better sign up for your rapture insurenace uick. There's only a day to go (again). [DrBob, May 20 2011]


       Is this better than buying indulgences?
snarfyguy, Jun 22 2003

       I have a major problem with this rapture thing. I always give people with those "In case of rapture, this car will be unmanned" bumper stickers a wide berth. Okay, so your soul gets sucked out of your body, but what happens to your car? It could smash through a day-care center. What if you're an airline pilot? You go off to meet your maker while the rest of us smash into a metroplex at 400 MPH. The whole thing is selfish and irresponsible; these people should be required to stay at home, where they pose the least hazard to the rest of us. At a minimum, they should not be permitted to drive. To add insult to injury, acts of god are not covered by most insurance plans, so we wouldn't even be compensated for the havoc that their rapture wreaks.
Fester, Jun 22 2003

       I thought the chosen ones all get rapturized at once and the rest are doomed. What's the difference whether cars plow through yards of unsaved children or into fields?   

       Thought: maybe you get to take your car with you.   

       Evidence: The soundtrack of "Police Academy 4" has an otherwise unavailable Brian Wilson song called "Let's Go to Heaven in my Car."
snarfyguy, Jun 22 2003

       Doomed, yes - but first all those folks have got to battle those scorpion-horse lady critters that are going to crawl up out of cracks in the ground. The bible specifically says that they don't kill people, just make you hurt for 5 months. That means at least 5 whole months before the big kablooey. A little extra $ could help buy ammo for those 5 months.
bungston, Jun 22 2003

       I prefer to believe that different faiths, sects and franchises all have their own raptures, which means progressively better parking for the rest of us. [Aristotle's] reference to multiple True Faiths bears this out.   

       While your evidence is compelling, it raises some questions. If they can take their cars with them, what happens to a passenger who isn't a member of the True Faith? Will there be roadside assistance and rest areas along the way? What about financed or leased vehicles?   

       We all need notification in advance. If there's going to be a rapture, I'm definitely not going to work that day. Creditors need to be protected so that members of the True Faith can't run up massive debt and then escape it. Maybe someone could stand on a street corner with a placard to let us know that the end is coming, or maybe members of the True Faith could set up a TV network to let us all know. That way, we'll have been warned.
Fester, Jun 22 2003

       [bungston] Your point obviates [Rods Tiger's] giant ant protection scheme; we'd want to keep the giant ants around to do battle with the scorpion horse lady thingies.   

       5 months of pain? That's all? I was married!
Fester, Jun 22 2003

       In case you find out you've got it wrong, purchase a get-out-of-hell-free papal pardon (BTW, Zeroxed copies are invalid and you'll have to buy an original)   

       You can back that up by martryring yourself in the name of Islam. But to avoid upsetting the Jewish faith, do it in private and not on a bus filled with settlers' kids.
FloridaManatee, Jun 22 2003

       //That behavior would nullify your claim to True Faithfulness, wouldn't it?//   

       Visit Pensacola, FL for a while, and you'll change your mind about how some of these folks think. Sheesh, listen to me, I'm becoming as strident as the people I'm making fun of. I'd better quit while I'm ahead.
Fester, Jun 22 2003

       Um, where can I get one of those get-out-of -hell-free papal pardons? Just wondering.
lintkeeper2, Jun 22 2003

       Lintkeeper2: You have to sell your soul to the devil to get one of those.
snarfyguy, Jun 23 2003

       I'm sorry, Sir, but according to our records, your wife's name was not listed in The Book Of Life.
thumbwax, Jun 23 2003

       I've heard it said that the correct interpretation of "The Rapture" from Revelation is that the non-believers will be the ones raptured, leaving the truly faithful to soldier on against the Kingdom of Evil.   

       Ah, a good dose of eschatology...
PeterSilly, Jun 23 2003

       i used to live in stevenage. it's a cesspit.
pjd, Jun 23 2003

       I'm not so interested in Rapture Insurance (no chance of me bing lifted). However, I am interested in Eschatological Legal Aid. The first time one of those scaly-scorpion-sting-horse-things shows its face round my local on a Saturday night, I'm heading straight to my lawyer and sueing God's ass for breach of covenant. It says right there in Genesis: no more genocidal destructions of all humanity. Yea and God said unto Noah, Yea and the rainbow shall be like unto a sign upon the skies that I will not carry out this kind of wholesale slaughter again, even though humanity be a big abomination in my eyes and they play their music too loud late at night and keep me awake and do really really bad things like not burning down their houses when they have mildew in them because you really should, you know, you can never be too careful with mildew, I mean, I'm sorry it's a public health issue and I know it's a fairly radical step to take but honestly it's for your own good. Or something like that.   

       Anyway, shirley those of the True Faith should be trusting the word of the big Yahoowahey rather than the Revelations of St Johnny-Come-Lately, no matter how Divine he may claim to be. The Big Man says he's not gonna deep-six us all again, it's on paper in black and white, (and, supposedly, it's in the sky in red and yellow and pink and green, purple and orange and blue, as the song says) so that's good enough for me. And if He tries to welch, I'm telling ya, there'll be Hell to pay... quite literally.
Guy Fox, Jun 23 2003

       // which means progressively better parking for the rest of us. //   

       Ah, so you're planning on hanging back then. Good deal for you, I suppose. If that's what you want, you're sure to get it.
waugsqueke, Jun 23 2003

       If I remember correctly, Genesis refers to flooding, nothing else.   

       New advertising campaign for 'Oh God, Book IV.'   

       "Do you... Yahweh?"   

       "Seek, and you shall find..."
RayfordSteele, Jun 23 2003

       Nice one, Guy. I guess that's the problem of not separating the judiciary from the government.
PeterSilly, Jun 23 2003

       Even though, as people have noted, that nature of the Christian rapture is a contentious theological issue there appears to be enough common ground to allow insurance to be sold to quite a wide range of people. The actuary table for the rapture, given all the times people have expected it to occurr, must be very attractive. Also the policy would have to be top loaded as people have suspected that the rapture is imminent for the last two thousand years.   

       Other end of the world scenarios are just not as attractive as what is the point paying for insurance for mass extinction meteroids, civilisation destroying super plagues and even the nordic Ragnarock. You simply are not able to predict who will survive or what infrastructure will be be left.   

       The rapture is a selective experience, for which the rules for not being involved is quite clear even taking into account ecumenical differences. Although scorpion monsters do not appear to be part of the concensus, the phrase "thief in the night" is quite common, suggesting that initially things are expected to stay the same.   

       However you might need quite strong branding to allow sales to all the differing True Faiths that are adament that only their brand of Christianity is relevant to the rapture event.
Aristotle, Jun 23 2003

       Aaah, but the beauty of this is that no-one gets bilked.   

       You would have to have faith to believe in the rapture to take out the rapture insurance. As long as you don't set a date for it to occurr, tailor the insurance to suit pervailing beliefs and be prepared to pay out then no-one should be upset by the results.
Aristotle, Jun 23 2003

       Given that I'll be outta here come the Rapture (;), I'll very happily write any insurance you want based on it, and laugh all the way to Bermuda.
DrCurry, Jun 23 2003

       who underwrites it? Presumably you could hold the icons, property and whatever petty cash there is in the offertory plates of the world as collateral, but where does the big all-at-once wonga come from?
badgers, Jun 23 2003

       Rapture Insurance? Is that where they pay back all your premiums if you don't make any claims?
DrBob, Jun 24 2003

       I'd buy raptor insurance.
Overpanic, Jun 24 2003

       [Aristotle] it's kind of funny how many of these ideas are coming to some manner of fruition nowadays. I was lured back here by that Honda commercial, myself. Wagged my finger madly at the TV and ranted to the wife like a guy ranting about a TV commercial.
justaguy, Apr 08 2009

       Do you mean ideas on the HB or ideas from the book of revelations? If a little of both, I suppose they might cancel out.
bungston, Apr 08 2009

       Heh. Good one bungie.
blissmiss, Apr 08 2009

       I meant HB. What little I remember of the book of revelations involved eating cows or children or something, at which point I became hungry and wandered off.
justaguy, Apr 08 2009

       I for one am looking forward to being raptured so that I can win the N-Prize on the way up.
TIB, Apr 09 2009

       <fx: sound of [MaxwellBuchanan] adding a new rule>
hippo, Apr 09 2009

       The "since baked" Rapture Insurance seems to rely a devout follower of a religion seeking to buy services from a co-religionist. However I suspect that will have been endless probed by Christians of different factions, concerned that the insurance providers won't go vertical with them.   

       Note that it doesn't offer a pay-off if the rapture doesn't happen. This should always be tolerable as the rapture is always due to occurr soon, so they'll never have to pay the premium for long ...
Aristotle, Apr 09 2009

       i wonder why all common insurances specifically exempt 'acts of god' from their coverage. anyways, this leaves the market completely pristine for you to corner it.
loonquawl, Apr 09 2009

       Would it be ethical to buy personal rapture insurance? So you'd buy insurance but name yourself as the beneficiary, ensuring that if you're not saved, you're at least rich.

(- "Mr Insurance Guy, I'm worried this rapture thing sounds a bit too energetic for me and I might injure myself"
- "Ah, sir, you need our special Rapture Rupture Insurance!")
hippo, Apr 09 2009

       I feel that a personal rapture insurance would not have too many takers as it would require that buyers believe in the True Faith *and* feel that they would be "enraptured". Probably a large enough donation to an appropriate tele-evangelist would guarantee personal salvation.
Aristotle, Apr 09 2009

       //personal rapture insurance would not have too many takers //

<tuts disapprovingly and shakes head in sad despair of Aristotle>

Such a missed opportunity. Surely what you should have said, Aristotle, is, "I feel that the Take Up for the Rapture insurance would be limited..."
DrBob, Apr 09 2009

       It might indeed be hard to get such a scheme off the ground ...
Aristotle, Apr 09 2009

       Sky's the limit
loonquawl, Apr 09 2009

       // i wonder why all common insurances specifically exempt 'acts of god' from their coverage //   

       Because they tend to affect vast numbers of people. Their whole business model relies on a large number of people paying small bills to a small number of people with large bills. When lots of people have a large bill, they can't possibly pay up, so they don't agree to pay in the first place.   

       Of course, when He spirits away every good soul to Heaven, it probably won't affect a large number of people.
Bad Jim, Apr 09 2009

       Brilliant. This would be the one insurance policy that specifically allows for "acts of god," and thereby fills an unmet need. Another possibility: medical insurance covering only preexisting conditions.
ldischler, Dec 23 2009

       I believe that alien abduction insurance is available in the US and there is a seperate course of hypnosis designed to make you believe you have actually been abducted. I do wonder if the providers of both services ever exchange notes ...
Aristotle, Dec 23 2009

       You know how there's this post-rapture email service? Well, if you end up putting loads of sinful stuff in an email and you then get raptured, would that then count as a sin committed by you after the rapture and you'd end up coming back down again?   

       I mean, suppose you were married but wanted to declare your forbidden love for another person, or you revealed someone's bank details or told a lie in one of those emails. Would those people all come shooting back to Earth or what?
nineteenthly, Dec 23 2009

       Yes, I believe there is a link to it already on this idea. I think is intended to inform people left behind of necessary details after the site's administrators have been absent for 2 weeks.   

       With the god of most True Faiths having a deity with a degree of ominscience, hence there presumably is some prescience too, so people abusing such a service would presumably fail to rupture, sorry, rapture.   

       Unless that deity secretly approved of post-rapturial smugness, of course ...
Aristotle, Dec 23 2009

       But what about free won't? The "real" answer, i would say, is that the notion of salvation by faith seems to enable people to forget about morality and do that instead. So even if it did count as a sin, it would make no difference. Which is why that version of Christianity is a morally bankrupt cancer eating away at humanity.
nineteenthly, Dec 23 2009

       //I do wonder if the providers of both services ever exchange notes ...//
//Would those people all come shooting back to Earth or what?//

       So has anyone ever claimed to have been raptured, had eggs or sperm removed, then returned to earth?
ldischler, Dec 23 2009

       That link - youvebeenleftbehind.com - simultaneously reinforces my despair at the moronity of humanity and my admiration for the ingenuity of scammers.
MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 18 2010

       Apropos hippo's link. I notice that Post Rapture Pet Insurance now seems to be a booming industry. If ever there was anything that showed why we are halfbakers and not multi-millionaires (the two categories being mutually exclusive I suspect), then this is it. Another fantastic business opportunity has passed us by. I feel so inadequate.
DrBob, May 20 2011


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