Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
h a l f b a k e r y
The phrase 'crumpled heap' comes to mind.

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Resume Rifle

Eat hot paper. Now with Paragraphs!
  [vote for,

Walking up to the enormous office megacomplex, you unsling the CV-47000 strapped to one shoulder. Loading a cartridge into the breach, you slap the weapon shut with a satisfying "click". The unit balanced on your shoulder, you take aim and pull the trigger. A burst of compressed air whips through a release valve, launching the payload upward at a 45 degree angle. The shouts of alarm from onlookers turn to open-jawed gapes as the projectile ablates throughout its arc, shedding the resumes, CV's, and cover letters stapled together which make it up. A parabola of papers flutters to the ground, walked on and noticed by thousands of potential employers.

But your work is not done. Many of these people will take the back entrance. The CEO of the company will leave in his helicopter from the roof. There are probably hundreds of people who didn't witness your insane stunt. With the grim knowledge that this is unacceptable, you slap a clip containing a ream of off-white manila into the bottom of the weapon, pull back the laser printer head, (The CV-47000 fires from an open bolt), and set the fire selector to full auto. Storming through the door, you blind the security guard with a windstorm of rapidly printed summaries of your professional accomplishments. Sprinting towards the elevator, you slide in just before the door closes and the guard regains his balance.

From your research earlier, you happen to know that all of the department heads have their offices located on the 19th floor, for convenience of conference. Pushing "19", you clip the scope to the top of the weapon, and set it to "single fire". When you arrive at floor 19, however, something is amiss. The hallway is dark, laser sensors criss-cross it (visible, movie-type sensors that wave back and forth), and an ominous fog has risen. If you leave the elevator, they will surely catch you! Not to worry. You calmly use the laser sight to take aim at the name emblazoned on each door, and pull the trigger. Advanced optics coupled with a powerful processor and OCR software instantly "read" the name on the door, and print it in the "salutation" section of the cover letter, after which the gun rolls the cover letter and resume around a tack and fires it at high velocity into the wooden door. On impact, the notice rolls open invitingly. After calmly sniping each and every doorway, you slowly pull your foot from the elevator doors, and push the button for the roof.

Your heart beats faster, this is the moment you have been preparing for ever since you signed up for ninja business training. The CEO of this company is a notorious paranoid recluse. He lives and works in a three-story victorian mansion that has been airlifted to the roof and mounted to stilts. The acre of roof-space surrounding it is fenced off jungle containing a pair of tigers trained to appreciate the game living within, but really enjoy the taste of human flesh. The walls are heavily soundproofed against the constant helicopter traffic from the other CEO's, the windows 6 inch thick bulletproof glass. You know no avalanche of paper, no swarm of carefully targeted resumes will penetrate his awesomely isolated attention.

Nevertheless, you step out onto the roof, the confidence returning as you actually see your objective. Moving quickly, you set up the weapon on a tripod, sighting in on the CEO's bedroom window from a good half mile away. You flip the fire-select to "long-range", and aim through the scope as a loud hum begins to emanate from the instrument and it begins to heat up ominously. Three red dots appear on the ceiling of the CEO's bedroom, widely separated. With some twiddling of the controls, the dots become one just as the weapon chimes softly. The rifle locked and loaded, you push the remote shutter release, and the aluminum covering the aperture irises open. Thanks to precision swiss optics, your resume is reproduced in full color on the exec's white ceiling, corrected for angle to appear undistorted. Animations pop and swirl as your name appears again and again, surrounded by glowing references to your great intelligence, experience, and trustworthiness.

You watch through the scope until the bearded, wizened face of the powerful madman appears at the window, then pack up your tools and dive off the side of the roof, your mission accomplished. Your parachute opens 100 feet from the ground, and you float to a landing. You pull the release to free the black parachute and sprint to your motorcycle, roaring away into the night, never to be seen again. At least until the interview.

GutPunchLullabies, Jul 06 2004


esomas, Jul 06 2004

       I've used a CV-47000, and I would disagree with your assessment that closing the instrument makes a satisfying "click". It's more like a "ka-chunk".   

       I also found the tendency to jam at inopportune moments vexing. I've heard that later revisions of the model addressed some of the causes of this.   

       But the primary reason I sold mine at a loss was the guilt I felt at watching all those resumes become litter in the wind. Even if they did have [GutPunchLullabies] name on them.
normzone, Jul 06 2004

       Ouch ouch paper cut ouch.
jutta, Jul 06 2004

       "Yeah, he looks good on paper..."
lostdog, Jul 06 2004

swimr, Jul 06 2004

       Might work if you're trying to get a job as a Navy Seal.
RayfordSteele, Jul 06 2004

       I'm not reading all that.
simonj, Jul 06 2004

       It might be long, but worth the read.   

       'Not sure if I'd hire this guy, Bob... he might be creative, but from what I can tell he's a bit of a psycho.' +
Lacus Trasumenus, Jul 06 2004

       That's awesome. However, with your name, address and full contact details in the header of every page, the local council will know to whom the bill for the cleanup operation should be sent.
reap, Jul 06 2004

       I just like the thought of what a laser printer printing 5000 pages per minute would sound like. Also, it had paragraphs when I typed it.
GutPunchLullabies, Jul 06 2004

       "I'm just going to call some of these referees..."
Detly, Jul 07 2004

       awsome idea + should be rentable though
engineer1, Jul 07 2004

       You get the job. Welcome to Engineering.
david_scothern, Jul 07 2004

       //resume's// You've got to admit, there is also such a thing as too much punctuation. :p
Lacus Trasumenus, Jul 07 2004

DrBob, Jul 07 2004

       Copy this idea and send it to 100 friends or you will have bad luck for a whole year.
phundug, Jul 07 2004

       You're interveiw, should you choose to accept it...   

       I got bored after reading half of this...Couldn't you have just edited it down to "a gun that shoots resumes"? At any rate, fish for you.
TheJeff, Jul 07 2004

       I agree. All I saw was [Walking up to the enormous office megacomplex, you unsling the CV-47000 strapped to one shoulder yada yada yada yada......]. Also, I'm not sure my future boss will enjoy being shot at, or be impressed with the amount of litter this creates. Do you have a gun that shoots fishbones?
energy guy, Jul 07 2004

       < br > without the spaces will start a new line without having to start a new paragraph, if that's what you were aiming for. Double enter will generally serve you better though, unless you wish to write poetry.   

       I like this. WTAGIPBAN, if I may. (Provided [GutPunchLullabies] is new enough and the handing out of these tags isn't entirely the responsibility of krelnik.)
RobertKidney, Jul 07 2004

       I gave all of your ideas fishbones without reading them too.   

       P.S. No, I didn't really. :)
GutPunchLullabies, Jul 07 2004

       [Gut punch] - If you cant take criticism without getting personal, I pity you. If you were offended, I'm sorry. Just because someone doesnt want to read a whole bunch of badly written stuff without paragraph breaks, doesnt mean they are illiterate. Your just whinging because we gave you fishbones.
energy guy, Jul 07 2004

       . . . and not enough fish bones, in my opinion. Viva la raza! [-]
contracts, Jul 07 2004

       After our discussion, i actually forced myself to read this through. It is well written, but I still think it needs at least 3 paragraphs. Also, though it was well written, the idea still gets a fishbone.
energy guy, Jul 07 2004

       Excellent - "I believe I am ideally suited to this job. I have excellent interpersonal skills and am able to handle difficult situations with tact and a sense of proportion"
hippo, Jul 07 2004

       Part of the reason I visit the halfbakery every day -- Pfffha ha ha ha! <giggle> *snort* -- I mean every 10 minutes, is for the laughter. This idea definitely gave me that, so +++
phundug, Jul 07 2004

       All right, by popular demand, here it is "edited". Actually all I did was turn the single returns that got ignored before into nice, wholesome, double returns. Goldang new-fangled computers...
GutPunchLullabies, Jul 07 2004

       Welcome to the bakery, GutPunch. No, Robert, I don't mind at all if other folks hand those out once in a while.
krelnik, Jul 07 2004

       Well written.   

       When does the novel come out?   

       [hippo] - you just took the words right out of my application form - does that mean I don't get the job?   

       Welcome [GPL]. + Now, how about a Resume Mortar?
saker, Jul 07 2004

       Stupid AND funny. I mean the idea not you. Bun
dobtabulous, Aug 03 2004

       If there were add-ons say for personal flyers, events, school sports days then this would be great. Limiting yourself to resumés (I don't know what it is that your character keeps wishing to resume is) will push your product into only a specialist market. +
Sattamassagana, Aug 03 2004


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