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Rock Toaster

Pops Out a Perfectly Toasted Rock Every Time
  [vote for,

This is a heavy duty toaster designed for toasting rocks. Two models are offered --- the two rock and the four rock. To use, simply place your rocks in the toaster, pull down the bar, and in no time your rocks will pop up toasty warm and ready to use.

Warm rocks have long been prized by snake owners, who use them to keep the objects of their affection warm and comfortable. Warm rocks are also a key feature in many passive solar heating systems.

Years ago, alarmists warned of a "nuclear winter," describing a world where, after repeated tit-for-tat mutually assured expressions of fondness between disagreeable nations, the sun's warming rays would be blocked out by the detritus ejected from the earth and into the upper atmosphere. Ironically, much of this material would be pulverized rock, leading to what might be a worldwide shortage of suitable rocks. For this reason, GROGco Laboratories suggests keeping an underground bunker full of rocks.

Don't wait! Order your rock toaster today.

Grogster, Jul 29 2012

Ishi-Yaki http://www.geishabl...-hot-stone-cooking/
You probably need an industrial-sized toaster oven for these cooking rocks. [jurist, Jul 30 2012]

hot stone massage http://spas.about.c...sage/a/Hotstone.htm
[xandram, Jul 30 2012]


       Will it have an indicator light?
MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 29 2012

       No, but if the bar stays down a long time the rocks will glow when they pop up. Please see Rock Toaster User Manual, page 42 footnote that reads, "...Toaster Adjustment Addendum: If Your Rock Glows Red, Your Snake Will Be Dead..." and Rock Resource Guide, "...Rock Sources: Abandoned Uranium Mines..."
Grogster, Jul 29 2012

       I'm not buying it without an indicator light, I'm afraid. My latest bread-toasting implement has a blue light which stays on all the time, to let you know the toaster is still there. Without an indicator light, how would I tell if someone had stolen my rock toaster? I think you need to get your design team to talk to your consumer survey team.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 29 2012

       Perhaps a combination mouse/snake toaster is in order, because a cold snake thinks it is dead, and therefore it will not eat a mouse of any temperature.
Alterother, Jul 29 2012

       A snake toaster (warmer) would need to be one of those conveyor-type ones where you put the snake in at one end.   

       For cold environments, maybe an ouroboros design ...   

       // it knows the mouse is dead and won't eat it. //   

       Presumably the mouse is in no doubt, however.
8th of 7, Jul 29 2012

       If your toaster can also handle stones as well as rocks---perhaps a toaster oven would be preferable--- the product would also be marketable to hot stone massage therapists.
jurist, Jul 29 2012

       //hot stone massage therapists//   

       Does anybody do anything these days which is not therapy? And if they're not therapists they're bloody technicians. As in "hair therapist and nail technician".
MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 29 2012

       // Does anybody do anything these days which is not therapy? //   

       Yes. They're called "front line combat infantry", and you really don't want to experience what they do.
8th of 7, Jul 29 2012

       [jurist], funny you should mention it... GROGco Laboratories toyed briefly with a prototype Therapist Toaster, but the mortality rates were annoying. Rocks don't scream loud enough to put you off your lunch, therefore were deemed a more suitable choice by GROGco's battery of lawyers.
Grogster, Jul 29 2012

       //"front line combat infantry"//   

       So you've not heard, then? As of September of this year, front line combat infantry are having their job titles amended to be either "intervention therapists" or "enemy personnel management technicians". Except there won't be any 'enemy', since they will be redesignated as 'non-aligned counterpart personnel' or 'differently objectivised clients'.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 29 2012

       You're probably right, Max. I should have just called them hot stone gigolo masseurs or chakra bimbo masseuses, as the gender dictates. I apologize for having tried to be less explicit and less gratuitously provocative.
jurist, Jul 30 2012

       As a new thought, perhaps there is a way to market this product to Ishi-Yaki restaurants. I recall being rather impressed with the nearly-ceremonious process of hot rock cooking while consulting in Osaka and Kyoto. [link]
jurist, Jul 30 2012

       //...Without an indicator light, how would I tell if someone had stolen my rock toaster?...//   

       [MaxB], for some odd reason the design team remains cool on the idea of an indicator light. However, they did incorporate a theramin and a rather loud sound system into the Mark II Second Generation Rock Toaster --- it changes pitch when the rocks pop up, and/or when someone enters the ten foot detection radius. It is therefore being re-marketed as a rock toaster/burglar alarm.
Grogster, Jul 30 2012

       Well, I posted the hot stone massage link before I read down to [jurist]'s link! I don't see what [MB] has against therapy...as we said before the hb is some of the best therapy we can get!! (hot or cold!)
xandram, Jul 30 2012

       //However, they did incorporate a theramin//   

       That, then, will do nicely.   

       [Grogster]: the Wizard of Odd.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 30 2012


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