h a l f b a k e r y
There goes my teleportation concept.
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'Dis whole Claus thing. You think you knows 'bout some Saint
Nicholas and some ancient eastern stahgazahs with gold and
whatnot. Hah! FuGEDaboudit. Lemme tell 'ya how it all
Mr. Carlos Santini, a respectable citizen in 'dis fine
community and my employah, yah see, needed
a public image makeovah, and the boys all felt he needed to
get back in touch with his roots. See, if ya got no family an'
no roots, 'ya got nobody. There was 'dis woid goin' round,
you see, that he was involved in some kind of disreputable
business practices. Now, me, I gotta problem wid that,
'cause I happen to know for a fact that Mr. Santini never
strong-ahms nobody. He just has connections and likes to do
favahs for people, makin' sure they stay outta trouble, see.
Can he help it if they repay his generosity?
Anyway, Mr. Santini felt he needed a public image makeovah,
see. So we figured that spreadin' the wealth around once a
year during the holidays to the local rugrats would be a nice
touch. Well, they was complications--Mr. Santini doesn't like
to be out in the public eye, you see. In this business we
have competitahs who are less reputable and would love
nuttin' better than to see my employah take a hit. So a
disguise was in order. Figurin' that our competitors knew
that Santini liked to stay in the background, me and the boys
thought that the best defense was a good offense and the
best way to hide was right in plain sight. So hid his face with
the whole beard and cap nonsense while at the same time
found the brightest red costume we could lay our hands on.
If you're gonna stick out like a sore thumb, ya might as well
do it in some class.
The best thing was dese gifts could be anything you wanted
to send to anybody, and sendin' surprises to your competitors
through the local mail all legit-like has its benefits. And it
helped establish a sense of family in the young ones, which is
a good thing. If you know Mr. Santini, you know how
important family is to him.
It woiked for years, 'til the kids from outta town started
expectin' it too and the whole thing snowballed. Then some
snoopin' newsie caught on, and nearly blew our covah. De
other bosses, dey started suspectin' that SC was really CS.
Well, we woiked some connections, and now everybody's
cousin wears the suit 'round that same time, and our
competitors won't find 'im. But in order to make it stick with
the public we needed to do somethin' drastic. As it turns out,
Mr. Santini and the pope go way back. Gotten eachother out
of more than one jam, see. Lefty had the idea of adding a
bit of gifting to the Good Book 'bout mysterious wise guys
from 'de east visitin' Bethlehem in order to make the
tradition stick with a believable history. They'd just fade in
somewheres, give their gifts, and fade out. No harm done.
Now I'll bet you're wonderin' 'bout the whole north pole /
elves / reindeer gig, what's tha' all about, right? Well, when
you work for Mr. Santini, the base of operations is what you
might call a trade secret.
Now, the construction biz here in the Big A is all ran by a
colleague of ours who happens to be a midget named
Hermey. Nice guy, Hermey. Way I hear it, he wanted to be a
dentist before life took ovah and he landed as don. Well, we
needed a favah, and he wanted in. Bada-boom-bada-bing,
we had to make space for the elves.
Well, now that I've gone and told 'ya all the real scoop, I'm
gonna have to make sure it never gets out, see. Nuttin'
poisonal. Just business. Now if you'd kindly follow Guito,
my fellow business associate, he'll fix you up right good with
an offer you can't refuse.
||Obligatory Rudolph's bloody head in bed Post
||hahaha nice one thumbwax.... but if this is a mafia thing, (and trust me i know), if say, Fat Tony's (example only, you never saw nothing) kid doesn't get what they want for xmas, then what would happen? Fat Tony is going to bring santa's elves down, then his reindeer, then mrs claus, then santa, etc.
||<Chico> Now I knows yous jokin', dere ain't no Santini Claus ! </Chico>
||Sounds more like marked-for-termination-with -extreme-prejudice to us, [bliss].
||Nah, just business. Mr. Santini always said that hating your enemies just clouds your judgement, and there's no point in hating your business partners until after they're dead.
||Remember, he always knows who's been 'naughty or nice.' Connections, you see.
||Santo di tutti Santi keeps Santa's friends close, but Santa's enemies closer.
||"Turkey is a dish best served cold" ??
||Did ya think the turkey was gonna squauk, huh ?