Schlosstein

Given the awesome tradition of Teutonic words having more letters than most people's full names, I am sorry that I couldn't be more creative with that bit.

Whenever attending the Oktoberfest piss up, I always bring the biggest stein I can find - half a gallon. The bugger of it is not the heft or the extra seat it takes. Rather, my mates consistently bring their standard issue steins at one third the size of mine. This means that as they drain their drops, they start wanting to bum off me as if I was a petrol pump. I can't leave the mug alone for the loo lest they drain it too. Now, it's not that I don't want to be a kindly sort, I'd just rather have it on my own terms.

So I figured the best way to fix the situation was to install an integrated combo lock. The lock would be on the handle and thumb controlled. The handle itself would be a German maiden wearing her Dirndl. Actually, there would be several different choices of Dirndl, in a sort of mix and match pattern. There would be three or four options each of legs, dress, bodice, and head. Sort the pieces to your predetermined code and the lid will open. Shut the lid and spin the handle 'round to keep out flies and other thirsty buggers.

Hidden extra feature: if you're too drunk to remember your combo, it'll cut you off.

May also be installed with an anti-theft alarm. Should the lid be locked and the stein then moved, 5 seconds will elapse before an ear-splitting yodel will be heard from the base. Or maybe the sound of a Nazi soldier screaming, "Halten Sie!" Your choice.

(Basic idea credit to my mate who told me he had one. He lied)