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Scripted Audience Noise

All one. One!
  [vote for,

Audience noise is troublesome during classical performances. Usually this is coughing during quiet parts. Occasionally there is a sneeze or a phlegm-rattle. These sorts of noises are generally accepted as unavoidable by audiences.

I propose that a new classical-style orchestral piece be written which incorporates such noises. Audience plants would actually be performers. Initially noises would seem to be the spontaneous regular sorts of things. As the piece proceeds, the noises occur more frequently, sometimes together, and timed with the performance. Other audience members would at first be irritated, but by 3/4 thru the performance it is clear to all that these sounds are not random and that they are part of the piece. At this point the range spreads out to include other previously silent audience plants including fussy toddler, talking ushers, and a mass ring of cellphones.

bungston, Jul 23 2010


       It could hardly be less attractive than the works of either Stockhausen or Schoenberg...
8th of 7, Jul 23 2010

       Is this idea negatively affected by my strong desire to punch people who make the avoidable noise (coughing doesn't trigger it, fussy toddler might with the parent as the target, talking or cell-phone both are punch worthy offenses as far as I'm concerned).
MechE, Jul 23 2010

       At the point where noise seems punchworthy, things are changing fast enough that audience members will experience the punch urge only for a minute or two.   

       I envision at the end the conductor turning to conduct the assembled coughs and snorts. Quickwitted folks like MikeD might join the participants. The orchestra members too might get cell calls or double over in paroxysms of sneezing.
bungston, Jul 23 2010

       Would be great background music for hospitals and doctors' offices as well.   

       el dueno
el dueno, Jul 23 2010

       Do what you like, just leave us the one that dropped the box of Maltesers in the back row of the stalls in a raked auditorium ....
8th of 7, Jul 23 2010

Jinbish, Jul 23 2010

       Ironically, it's pretty quiet here.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 23 2010

       [+] But:
If this is supposed to take the audience by surprise, then
1) It's more of a practical joke than a work of art
2) You could only get away with one, or a few performances before it became an open secret.

       I like it better if the audience knows that audience noise is a part of the performance. Was that the original intention?   

       You still get a joke, that way, but it works like this: That guy over there whose cellphone is ringing. Should you shush him for spoiling the performance, or is _that_ the performance? What about the idiot who's shushing him? And so on.
mouseposture, Jul 24 2010


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