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Silent Toilet

A layer to go before 'it' leaves the vacinity
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I was thinking about when I have to go and 'sit' while I'm at work. I also know how embarrassing it is when I make loud splashing noises in public stalls. And furthermore, I hate it when I splash myself! What I want is a layer of disposable material in lieu (pun intended) of water. Instead of water I say we need to have a air driven toilet.

What I propose is a toilet that has a layer of disposable material suspended a few inches(cm) below the seat level. The material must be porous for the urine to go through, but strong enough to hold on when a large load is forced upon it. When finished just grab the corners (making sure not to touch the nasty stuff) of the material and wrap up the waste so that it looks like, for the loss of my poetic dictionary and lack of better words, a Heresy’s Kiss. Drop the waste in the middle of the toilet and press a foot pedal. The foot pedal activates a vacuum that sucks the waste material and urine into a septic tank or city sewers.

Alright, blow this idea to bits, I'm ready for a little criticism, or a lot as the case may be.
barnzenen, Oct 01 2001

Disco Party Bathroom http://www.halfbake..._20Party_20Bathroom
[pottedstu, Oct 01 2001, last modified Oct 17 2004]

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       Well, the power of the vacuum was more, in my mind, like the vacuum of outer space. The sort of vacuum that if you didn't have a good hold on something you would go hurlting down a tube that can only be thought of in nightmares, or atleast get your head stuck in the toliet. A new twist to the idea - when the vacuum engages have an air tight seal cover the seat so that books, newspapers, small pets or children don't accidently get sucked down with the waste
barnzenen, Oct 01 2001
  

       Sorry, but the Disco Party Bathroom solves the problem in a much more fun way (by playing loud music). Alternatively, you could get one of the machines I hear they have in Japanese toilets that generate flushing noises to drown out your tinkles and splashes.
pottedstu, Oct 01 2001
  

       [barnzenen] Just drop some toilet roll in the bowl before you relieve yourself.
Jim, Oct 01 2001
  

       I thought everyone knew about paper silencer.
Or you could buy one of those Swiss toilets with the inspection shelves, they just make soft *thud* noises although the shelf isn't very far down which can be unsettling.
darndog, Oct 01 2001
  

       I think we need an idea titled "Heresy's kiss." But a real idea; something that lives up to the title, and not just lameness for the sake of using the title.
beauxeault, Oct 02 2001
  

       UB, diapers are just nasty, have you ever had to change a 70 year old's diaper? Something that I don't suggest you do, unless of course you either get kicks from it or do it for a living. Also, the paper silencer that [Jim] and [darndog] are talking about just doesn't cut it sometimes, or if I ... I mean some people used enough paper to truly silence it then they would stop up the toilet. I just need to hop a ride on the next commercial spaceship and live up there.
barnzenen, Oct 02 2001
  

       Just fold several sheets of toilet paper into a concertina type fashion, hold it in your right hand, reach behind yourself as you sit there and gently lower the waste product into the bowl. Easy, satisfying and silent.
pussygalore, Oct 03 2001
  

       How about an advanced solution to the toilet silencing problem. A combination toilet and wind tunnel. Upon entering the cubicle, the turbine spins up and air is pushed downward out of nozzles located on the rim and spaced along the length of the whole waste pipe.   

       Anything 'placed' in the toilet (whether liquid or solid) will be whisked away by the air jets and (due to boundary layer effects and a clever positioning of the nozzles) won't even touch the sides.   

       It may not be completely silent but won't make ploppy sounds and will stay 'sparkly' clean.
st3f, Oct 03 2001
  

       You'd have to fill the gap between the rim and the seat with putty too.
st3f, Oct 03 2001
  

       Couple of ideas for you -

1. Toned-down disco party bathroom idea: In a house my parents lived in, the bathroom was right off the livingroom. My mother came up with the idea, and I implemented it, to put a switch on the door frame so that, when the door was closed, music came from a small tape player.
2. Instead of silencing the toilet, amplify and annotate it! For a really loud gaseous event, say "boy, that was a good one" or "ouch, that's gonna bruise." Basically, much of stand-up comedy involves amplification and annotation of behaviors that would normally be embarassing, so just bring that spirit with you to the loo. Instead of being embarassed, you'll be the star of the show. Co-workers will call each other to the lavatory to cheer and applaud.
quarterbaker, Oct 03 2001
  

       I got over the needing for applause for going to the bathroom when I was 2. I don't know, I think it's just me, but I would rather people not be in the bathroom when I am going.
barnzenen, Oct 22 2001
  

       I am all for Disco Party/Potty. I hate more than anything people talking to me through the loo door. "What's that? Sorry, one of the go-go dancers has a tambourine." Practically, though, [barnzenen]'s idea, the original one, has an integral flaw:C'mon, noone's touching poo. Or a 'poo pocket,' as the case may be. Seth "smooth chocolate" Azrael
eat the damn crayon, Oct 23 2001
  

       Who said anything about touching poo?
snarfyguy, Oct 23 2001
  

       The regs require that there be a ventilated space between any room containing a toilet and any 'habitable room', a term which includes living rooms, kitchens, and dining room, but not bedrooms.
angel, Oct 23 2001
  

       If your bedroom is a toilet, can you apply for a government grant to build an extension so as to comply with regs?
sven3012, Oct 23 2001
  

       ALRIGHT! We got our own heading, "toilet isolation."
barnzenen, Oct 29 2001
  

       Uh, people... there is a fully baked, perfectly silent, splashless toilet - it's called an outhouse.
lsenater, Oct 29 2001
  

       Well, on the 'masking noise' front, go to the men's room at the Icon Grill on 5th Ave. in Seattle, WA. It's hilarious.
cpt kangarooski, Feb 17 2002
  

       Soundproof cubicles.
sirrobin, Feb 17 2002
  

       How can toilet paper and #2 (you know) go through this plastic material?
andrewm, Mar 08 2003
  

       If the water in the bowl were level with the seat, all excretion would be subsurface from the beginning - no plop, no splash. Plus you incorporate the hygienic bidet aspect.   

       There would need to be an emergency overflow catchment, in case folks who were unusually well endowed in whatever respsect displaced more water than usual on assuming their seat.
bungston, Mar 09 2003
  

       No WAY am I dangling my ass in a public toilet's water, bungston. Besides, rip a good air-biscuit under 2 inches of water, and it'll splash high enough to get your collar wet. I like the idea; you could have a very simple crank mechanism bundle it up and send it down the chute, powered by closing the lid. Think cigarette roller. Lift the lid, and it draws the next sheet of paper for you. Set the whole thing at an angle, and you get the benefits of minimizing splash, etc.
MuddyBuddy, Feb 19 2004
  
      
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