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Speed-'em-Up Toilets

For use in high-traffic restrooms that accumulate long lines. Inspired by airline toilets.
 
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This is a toilet that forms an airtight seal around your arse, then evacuates all the air from the toilet, creating a powerful suction to rapidly empty one's bowels. Combine with an ultra- low frequency bass amplifier to break up any stubborn blockages, and you'll see shorter lines at bars (meaning more people getting back to the business of buying your beer) and fewer break violations at work.
21 Quest, Apr 13 2009

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       Ouch...!!!
blissmiss, Apr 13 2009
  

       Worst case: rectal prolapse. More likely: thigh fart sounds.
tatterdemalion, Apr 13 2009
  

       possible use in the case of dysfunctional colon muscles; apart from that... <ugh>.
FlyingToaster, Apr 13 2009
  

       Very similar... but it's the bass amplifier that makes the difference.
21 Quest, Apr 13 2009
  

       This may be quite the draw that the poster expected ... [+]
Aristotle, Apr 14 2009
  

       //I suggest modelling it on the shape of a traffic cone//
<cautiously> In which orientation? </c>
coprocephalous, Apr 14 2009
  

       Both? Depending? Ugh?
blissmiss, Apr 14 2009
  

       // I suggest modelling it on the shape of a traffic cone.//
  

       Did anyone see a goat around here?
Noexit, Apr 14 2009
  

       Jiffy Loo, Now with extreme prolapse protection, In and "out" in five minutes or less, Guaranteed or your money back. Ask about our free belts and hoses inspection. 20% off all bidet and hemorrhoid services through march. Get ready for the summer weather with an undercarriage "painless" waxing. All of our proctal technicians are SAE certified. Present this coupon to receive a free "happy ending" with any #1 or #2 service.
WcW, Apr 14 2009
  

       Wcw... that is so wrong! And don't you mean A.R.S.E. (American Rectal Service Equipment) certified instead of SAE?
21 Quest, Apr 14 2009
  

       no, Society of Anal Extractors.
WcW, Apr 15 2009
  

       Does it come with tyre lever to prise you off the seat afterwards?
xenzag, Apr 15 2009
  

       No, it just repressurizes.
21 Quest, Apr 15 2009
  

       I repeat then...ouch!!!
blissmiss, Apr 15 2009
  

       I'm not sure you understand how the bowel really works.
nomocrow, Apr 16 2009
  

       It's potentially hazardous to literally suction out one's waste. The better alternative is to place sensors and apply a mild electric shock to quicken one's rectal muscles' evacuation rhythm.
rotary, Apr 16 2009
  


 

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