Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Spidergoats and Parachutes

They make their own.
  (+7, -3)
(+7, -3)
  [vote for,

Orlando sloppily separated some lines from the large batch of powder on the table. If this stuff was as pure as the Colombian gear flooding the streets recently they might be able to carve themselves a market, get back on top – the Kings of New York - just like the old days. Orlando dreamed of the big time as he diced the pile into 3 lines, one for Luis, one for El Bicho, and the largest one for himself.

The small camp somewhere East of Caborca seemed to creak in unison, the wooden huts groaning under the hot Mexican wind. Even at night the humidity burned its way through your skin and laid to rest like dust. The beams of light from outside were intermittently cut by the armed guards roaming the site. The camp was extremely well protected, and Orlando could feel the professionalism with which he was dealing.

As the coke shot up Orlando's nose and into his bloodstream, and the synapses in his brain began to fizz and click their fingers, discovering new thoughts and avenues of adventure, the sound of confusion rose from outside. Orlando was aware something was very wrong, even before the noise grew, and the sounds of human screams became clearer. His hand moved of its own accord to the handgun strapped under his arm and he stood abruptly, careering his chair noisily across the room.

The door burst open and José fell to the wooden floor in frenzied hysterics.
Luis picked him up, "José! What is happening?"
Wide-eyed and with his mouth straining to one side, José replied in what could only be abject terror. "He's here Luis! The Devil has come to collect his due! Such horrible things," he wrenched his arm from Luis' grip, "You don’t understand! They're coming for us!" He stumbled back against the wall.
"Calm down José! You’re not making any sense."
"José!" El Bicho walked towards him. "You'll answer us or I will fill your face with my knuckles. There's nuthin' out there worse than me, amigo."
"I'll take my chances!" he cried

Orlando was nervous. No, not nervous. Anxious - but thinking clearly. He unholstered his handgun, walked calmly over to José, pushed his shoulders hard against the wall and placed the barrel dead centre on José's forehead. "Tell me what I want to know, José."
José breathed heavily for some time, his eyes flicking about, taking everything in as if his life depended on it. He took one last deep breath and spoke.
"All of the guards are dead Orlando. These things came from the sky! Enormous beasts," José responded to the added pressure from the gun barrel, "It's true amigo! Giant monsters with eight legs, horns on their heads, and beards on their chins, shooting pellets of steel from their giant udders! They move silently and are on you before you even knew they were there, man! I heard screams, and I don't know why but I looked up, and they were coming down from the sky! They're everywhere man! Orlando, please! We've got to leave! Now!"

Orlando had heard of such things. "Spidergoats. They're real." The mutated brethren of the spidersilk industry. He uncocked the gun and lowered it absently. He stared over José's shoulder imagining the monstrosities that the US military had adopted to combat South American drug running. He brought his gaze back to José's.

José was transfixed on a point in space above and behind Orlando's shoulder. He was trembling so much beads of sweat from his cheeks flicked off his face as if leaping to their deaths in terror.

José's eyes - Orlando had never seen such horror - a horned spider crawling out of their reflection.

"Dios me perdone."

theleopard, Feb 06 2008

Spidergoats, Balloon! http://www.agricult...mber/011109OSL.html
A write-up on those daring young arachinds and their flying machines. [Noexit, Feb 06 2008]

Homosapienaic WMD Human_20Precipitati...Defence_20Programme
Care Bears, not Bonjour Petit Chat. [theleopard, Feb 06 2008]

Will these scientists never learn?!!! http://en.wikipedia.../Sheep-goat_chimera
[theleopard, Feb 07 2008]

Now they can swim!!!! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hippocamp
(To be fair, this looks like a completely useless, nay, harmless creature.) [theleopard, Feb 07 2008]


       A buzzing noise made him spin round, and before him sat El Bicho, his trouser leg rolled above the knee.   

       Suddenly his tuneful limp was explained. In a moment of rare clarity, Orlando sprang into action.   

       "José, lift his torso."   

       In clumsy drug-fuelled jerks, they up-ended El Bicho as he was loosening the fastenings of his droning leg.   

       As the first wave of angry insects took flight, a spidergoat lunged at José.   

       "Goat jam it" yelled Orlando, and in a flash, the sugary dollop of defence struck udder.   

       Orlando knew the fight was far from over, but at least they were still in it.
marklar, Feb 06 2008

       Now if we could just make them with human faces, women's hair, lion's teeth, and locust bodies we'd be all set.
RayfordSteele, Feb 06 2008

       [UnaBubba] That was my initial sentiment, along with "You obviously have far too much time on your hands, perhaps it might be better spent seeking professional help".   

       But then I realised it applies to me too, so I just went with it.
marklar, Feb 06 2008

       [UnaBubba], please, from the beginning, if you will.   

       You know in your heart of hearts that this is a perfectly plausible theory, and reflects everyone's fears of what might indeed happen when genetically splicing goats with spiders. It won't be long before these monsters of science will be unleashed upon small unsuspecting countries, whose governments valiantly oppose the West's foreign policy. The whole catastrophy finally concluding with a complete loss of control over the spidergoats, coupled with an incomprehensible breeding rate and finally culminating with the birth, and international recognition, of an entire arachni-capra nation.   

       I implore you to reconsider. This, along with human precipitation, is among the most terrible of threats our plighted planet faces.
theleopard, Feb 06 2008

       I guess you can't complain MFD genetic engineering if it's already been done, so I just sit back and welcome our new spidergoat overlords (+).
MisterQED, Feb 06 2008

       Even more plausible than the government dropping them on unsuspecting third world drug lords is the notion of spidergoat offspring ballooning to further spread the species.
Noexit, Feb 06 2008

       i didn't vote last time because you mentioned hello kitty as a weapon of mass destruction.   

       i'll give you a bun today for not mentioning her name.
pyggy potamus, Feb 06 2008

       //hello kitty as a weapon of mass destruction.//   

       The Care Bears my dear. I wouldn't say anything bad about Hello Kitty. It's the Care Bears that are a bunch of murdering bastards.
theleopard, Feb 06 2008

       //It's the Care Bears that are a bunch of murdering bastards.// *GASP*   

       (sorely tempted to take back bun)   

pyggy potamus, Feb 07 2008

       [noexit], I envision a big Queen spidergoat in a constant state of propagation, probably nesting on a rickety old bridge over a river, scaring away a family of peaceful trolls that lived underneath.   

       Furthermore these genetically liberal creatures might find ways of inducing other species into their genus, like, for instance, lions and serpents. Yes. That's right. Beware the Chimera my friends, for it will rear its ugly heads once more!
theleopard, Feb 07 2008

       It's been happening for years!!! [links]
theleopard, Feb 07 2008

       You sound awfully like a Care Bear [UnaBubba], if that is your real name...
theleopard, Feb 07 2008

       Sounds more like a Scare Bear.
skinflaps, Feb 07 2008

       //and the synapses in his brain began to fizz and click their fingers, discovering new thoughts and avenues of adventure\\ Doesn't happen, coke is no fun. Don't perpetuate that myth.
zeno, Feb 07 2008

       //coke is no fun//   

       Coke is fun, that's why people take it and why it's such a massively popular drug with a thriving illegal market. It's the long term socio-economic results to third-world coca-growing countries that is no fun, along with the personal effects of cocaine addiction destroying your brain, your personality and your health.   

       But, we're talking about spidergoats here. And filthy bastard Care Bears. I'm sure you have an opinion on these?
theleopard, Feb 07 2008

       Who says they have cocks?
theleopard, Feb 07 2008

       I've never written a videogame. I'm sure I don't know how. But I'm going to learn, and I'm going to write a game chock full o' spidergoats. And the final boss shall be their Queen.   

       Or is that too much like Half-Life?
Noexit, Feb 07 2008

       Old McDonald had a farm... and on that farm he HAD a goat..   

       This kinda reminds me of the old classic budget movie "Revenge of Billy the Kid".
skinflaps, Feb 07 2008

       Old McDonald was into genetic engineering? Who knew?   

       But that still doesn't explain all the E-I-E-I-O crap.
Canuck, Feb 07 2008

       Drugs like DET, DMT, LSD and the natural ones like Peyote, mushrooms, toadspit, thc and such can cause a state of mind in which one experiences fun. Other drugs like coffee, speed and yes, coke enable one to do more of other drugs than usual, like alcohol (in most cases), or to dance longer or to feel less pain. These drugs are not in themselves fun. And even the fun drugs can ofcourse fry your brains out so don't do it. I do not believe you know what you are talking about.   

       I have no knowledge of these care bears so I will refrain from forming an opinion which would be solely based on these immature ramblings.
zeno, Feb 08 2008

       Thanks for sharing. I think you're wrong, and quite insulting with it, but you have your opinion as I have mine. I'd appreciate it if you didn't hijack an idea's thread to air your social agenda though.   

       And coffee isn't a drug.
theleopard, Feb 08 2008

       The gentelest of annotaters am I, he who finds offence finds himself.
zeno, Feb 09 2008

       [zeno], never have I encountered smugness on such a grandiose scale. Your arrogant, self-satisfying annotations are as patronising as they are erroneous. You're dragging me into a discussion that I had no wish to pursue like some kind of lecherous left-wing troll and it irks me. I am terribly irked.   

       Hook, line and sinker, I'll begin: Coke does not just "enable one to do more of other drugs than usual" and increase stamina. Do you think the consumers of a $77billion industry's product would all be taking it just to be able to take more of other stuff? People enjoy the drug because it breaks down the social barriers they felt before, it makes them feel good about themselves, confident, outgoing, like the soul of the party. They have fun as a result.   

       Unlike the introspective hallucinogenics you appear to prefer, cocaine is a social drug fur having fun with other people. Yes, it has its drawbacks (due to excessive use) like arrogance and sometimes aggressive behaviour, but so do all drugs.   

       No drugs are in themselves "fun". They are catalysts. If you feel like killing yourself, drugs will fuel that fire. If you are having a good time, drugs potentially can elevate your enjoyment.   

       You clearly don't know what you're talking about and are more concerned with appearing like a dutiful, morally upstanding PC activist. You've forced me to defend an illegal narcotic in order to outline your apparent ignorance and this makes me very uncomfortable. Despite the appearance of my argument, I don't condone the use of any illegal drugs.   

       If you don't like immature ramblings I suggest you find somewhere other than the 'bakery to nestle your preachy do-gooder crusade.
theleopard, Feb 09 2008

       Being from Holland doesn't necessarily equate to an exhaustive knowledge of narcotics.   

       And coffee isn't a drug, caffeine is.
theleopard, Feb 09 2008

       Well, as long as we agree we shouldn't advocate the use of any drugs to others, I'll leave it alone.   

       <<turns to mother, points at [theleopard] and cries he started it>>
zeno, Feb 12 2008

       <Wipes sweat from brow> Phew, that was most uncharacteristic of me. Sorry, I'm just having a bit of trouble controlling these BASTARD MOODSWINGS. Talking of coffee, does anyone fancy one?   

       //You're rght, caffeine is the drug, as I pointed out.//   

       [UnaBubba], you're not saying... we're both right, are you?
theleopard, Feb 12 2008

       I want a new drug. One that does what it should. One that won't make me feel too bad, one that won't make me feel too good.
Noexit, Feb 12 2008

       //One that won't make me feel too bad, one that won't make me feel too good.//   

       That's just no drugs at all isn't it?
theleopard, Feb 13 2008

       //The -ine on the end gives it away.//
Like in "brine", "chlorine" and "fluorine"?
AbsintheWithoutLeave, Feb 13 2008

       Or 'strine ?
AbsintheWithoutLeave, Feb 13 2008

       Are dogs, cats, horses and cows all alkaloids as well? How do you take them? Smoke them? Snort them?   

       The only creature I would inject is herron.
theleopard, Feb 14 2008

       Careful with that. The injection can cause moles.
MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 14 2008

       reached up to "dust" and then lost you. Could you give a synapsis. I know its an old idea but looks like one that interests me (spiders, parachutes)   

       ok ok, read it all, and the links. [hippo] did you see that? ...   

       Simply put: US military to fight drugs with a medically created hybrid "ballooning spider" and goat, that falls out of the sky, scaring the whits out of the drug dealers and their suppliers.   

       The spider reaches extreme heights using its fiber, then grows to the size of a goat and falls from the sky together with thick silk webs.   

       Some of the details left to the halfbakers imagination.
pashute, Jul 02 2013

       It would be slightly awesome to look out over the fields on a spring morning and see all the little spidergoatlets trailing gossamer threads, rising on the thermals to colonize new land.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 02 2013

       Crumbs, didn't think I'd see this one come back up.   

       If I remember correctly, there were a glut of spider- goat silk ideas at the time, and while everyone was talking about a goat with tiny spider-like attributes (the ability to secrete silk), my B-movie brain could only foresee this, the mutated offspring: enormous spiders with goat-like attributes (horns, udders), inevitably used by the US military in their perpetual war on drugs.
theleopard, Jul 03 2013


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